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My heart began to pound. I felt like it would fly from my chest. I got a slight reprieve when my daughter stirred beside me.
“Mommy?” her sleepy voice called softly. I turned back toward her, leaving my phone lying on the bed behind me. “I’m cold.”
“I know baby. I’ll get one of those warm blankets you like.” I stroked her hair back with gentle, repetitive strokes that I knew she liked and leaned down to place a kiss on her forehead. She smelled sweet; like shampoo and powder. “Are you hungry? Do you want a snack?”
She shook her head and my heart fell. “Will you watch TV with me when you come back?”
“You need to eat more, baby.”
“I don’t feel like it.”
Remi was so grown up for her age. She was only five, but we played a lot of games designed to teach her many things. She could read before she went to kindergarten, and I’d continued to work with her when she got sick and couldn’t attend school.
I’d been lucky. When Remi got sick, Jensen insisted I quit my nursing job to devote all my attention and care to her.
Guilt washed over me. There was so much that I could never repay him for, and his kindness only increased my shame. I should divorce him for no other reason than to give him back his life, but as long as Remi was sick, I needed him; she needed him. He deserved so much better than I could give; someone who could love him with her whole heart. I knew he loved me, and I knew he loved Remi. I wasn’t sure which would be worse for him; leaving or staying. He deserved the type of love I used to have with Chase. Everyone deserves that, at least once in their life.
I got up and walked to the door of Remi’s room, opening it and searching the stark halls for a nurse. The hospital was new and modern, but it was still a hospital, sterile and cold. They kept the temperature down to kill germs, but the patients suffered for it. I knew where the warmer was at the nurses’ station and made my way toward it. It was hard to keep track of all the nurses. Remi had been in the Children’s Hospital several times, but there were so many nurses, and she never seemed to be on the same floor, I couldn’t keep track.
“Hello, may I please get a warm blanket? Remi is shivering.”
A pretty young CNA smiled at me. “Of course. Is one enough?”
“May we have two, please?”
She nodded and disappeared around a corner. The nursing assistants all wore blue, the nurses a dark olive green, and housekeeping and food service staff had to wear dusty pink scrubs. It was always obvious who had what job.
When the young woman returned she handed them over. “Is Sally her nurse?”
“I’m not sure,” I murmured, taking the blankets from her. They felt wonderfully warm to the touch. “I can’t remember what the names are on the board. I’m a bit scattered today.”
“That’s okay,” she said; understanding. “I’ll find out. Should I bring some juice or a cookie if the nurse says she’s allowed to have it?”
I offered a tired smile. “She said she wasn’t hungry, but maybe if it’s in front of her, she’ll want it. Can you bring some hot tea, two cups and a couple of cookies? Maybe if we have a tea party, she’ll try.”
“That’s a great idea!”
I glanced at her name badge. “Thank you, Alissa. You’re very sweet.” I turned to go back to Remi’s room before the blankets cooled.
“You’re so welcome. Your daughter is so beautiful. Such a gentle soul and so brave.”
I nodded and smiled again, though sadness rocked every cell in my body. “Thank you. I’m grateful for her every day.”
Remi had turned over in her bed and had the TV on. She was still shivering, her teeth starting to chatter, but she’d managed to turn on SpongeBob and was smiling up at the screen. “Mommy, this is the chocolate show,” she explained the episode. “SpongeBob is so silly.”
I unfolded the blankets and put them around her, taking the remote so I could cover her from the neck down. I pushed the blankets around her. “Get warm. Mommy ordered a tea party for us.”
Her eyes lit up as she studied me. “Mommy, do you need a nap?”
I nodded and sat on the bed next to her. “Probably. I’m a little tired, baby.”
“Why don’t Cindy and Wally come to visit me this time?” she asked about her best friends?
It had been my rule to always tell her the truth in a way she could understand for her age. “Well, your leukemia makes it hard for your body to fight off infection, so the doctor’s don’t let anyone but Mommy and Jensey visit. That’s why we have to wear these funny yellow dresses.” I smiled. I was thankful we didn’t have to wear masks like we had done on more than one occasion. They were awful and used to scare her.
“When can I go home? I want to play with Cindy and Wally. And I want to make cupcakes and sleep with Jewel.” Jensen gave her a stuffed black lab for Christmas two years earlier and promised her that when she was better, we’d get a real one. It took her five days to name a stuffed animal because she wanted it to be the name of the actual puppy when it was possible to get one. She insisted it had to be perfect, and I thought it was.
“That reminds me. After the tea party, you’ll have a nap and Mommy will run home and get Jewel for you? Would you like that?”
