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It was one thing to hear from Teagan that the two of them were getting divorced, and another to hear it from him. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Teagan, it was that Jensen might tell her one thing and be feeling another way. Teagan’s explanation gave me a clearer perspective on Jensen’s motivation to help her and despite the betrayal still sitting annoyingly in the back of my mind, I understood why things happened the way they did. I was still unhappy with the pain we all suffered, and the lost years, but perpetuating the anger wouldn’t help anyone; least of all, Remi.
There was also Teagan’s response to the reporters to consider. It gave me pause to wonder if she wasn’t torn. We had this rush of emotion between us, and clearly, our behavior had demonstrated that we weren’t exactly thinking clearly. No matter how much I loved Teagan and wanted to be with her, was it the right thing? Had too much happened and too much time passed?
I hated that these thoughts nagged at me. I hated all of the doubts messing with my mind and heart and the way it was ate away at my insides like acid, but the bottom line was that we’d all fucked up in a big way. Now, it had to be all about Remi, and Jensen was a huge part of her life. As much as I hated how it happened, it was the reality that had to be dealt with.
I could let myself fantasize about an idyllic life with them; flying high on the brand of happiness like I’d felt with Teagan in the surgery suite. I could even feel relief that knowing the whole truth facilitated the bloom of forgiveness deep inside my heart, but I couldn’t lie to myself that there might still be residual feelings between Teagan and Jensen. He’d been with her longer than I had been and that alone, hurt, but nothing would be harsher than to reconcile with Teagan only to watch it fall apart. To lose her again and see it play out in front of me if she stayed married to him, would be the cruelest twist of fate.
Still, I needed the truth. Even if it ripped me to shreds all over again, I had to face it. As much as losing Teagan would destroy me, Jensen could face the same sort of desolation. One of us would be on the losing end.
My parents, Jensen, Teagan, and I had been up in the isolation unit all day waiting. We had no access to Remi, though we could watch her through a window that reminded me of a natural history museum display. The room was divided into two halves separated by glass.
The side we were on was living-room-esque where the family could relax and the other was a high-tech hospital room. There was plenty of plush furniture, a table and chairs, a private bathroom and a nice size television. It at least felt like we were in the same room with Remi, and there was an intercom system set up so we’d be able to speak with her when she woke up. It wasn’t nearly as isolated as I feared. No, we couldn’t touch her or hold her, but we could see her and talk to her, read to her, and stay with her so she didn’t feel alone. If Teagan had her way, we’d be singing to her, too.
The isolation unit took up half of a hospital floor and there were ten similar suites, each one a private haven for patients and their families. It was hard to imagine that ten patients were going through something similar to Remi at the same time, but I supposed they weren’t just used for radiation patients, but also those with infectious diseases.
Her nurses and doctors entered from a door on Remi’s side of the room, which I assumed came from a sterile space behind it. Still, they all wore get-ups that looked almost like space suits with clear plastic windows in the hoods so they could see what they were doing. They were covered from head to toe.
And then there was Remi. My heart ached looking at her, so pale and hooked up to tubes and wires. Right after we came upstairs, there was an empty blood bag, which I was told was actually how the marrow was administered, still hung above her. She still had a full bag of slow dripping saline so they could give her medications and make sure she was hydrated, and an EKG machine that beeped out her heartbeat. I wondered why she was still sedated, but the nurse who was constantly with her, monitoring her progress, told us that the doctor felt it best to keep her lightly sedated so she wouldn’t be scared until the family arrived, but that would wear off soon and we were all waiting with baited breath.
Teagan was curled up on a chair near the window, glued to it since we’d come upstairs, and I’d managed to maneuver out of the wheelchair and onto one of the sofas and was stretched out and laying as flat as I could. It was much more comfortable than the couches throughout the rest of the hospital, and for that I was grateful. I was still aching badly, my hips and lower back throbbing because the pain meds I’d received during the surgery were wearing off. It felt like I’d been hit in several places with a hammer, and each puncture site burned like a son of a bitch. I wasn’t prepared for the burning.
“Are you doing okay, honey?” My mother vacillated; flitting back and forth between worrying about me and going back to stand beside Teagan’s chair at the window. She’d been crying when Teagan and I’d arrived upstairs, shaking her head in disbelief. The precariousness of Remi’s situation was upsetting her, but the steady demeanor of my dad helped to calm her down.
“I’m okay, Mom,” I lied, but she saw me wince and concern filled her features.
“Are you telling the truth?” she demanded.
“No. It hurts like a bitch. Is that better?” The corner of my mouth lifted wryly.
“Stop being smart with me.” She said, a wrinkle appearing between her finely manicured eyebrows.
I snorted. “What? You asked.”
“I know, but parents don’t like to see their babies suffer.”
I knew what she meant. It was staring me straight in the face with my own child. “What do you think of Remi?” My fatherly pride wanted the answer.
“Oh my goodness, Son! She’s so small, but so beautiful.” Her voice cracked a little.
“Wait until she opens her eyes; then you’ll see how beautiful she is. What’s so incredible is that she’s so happy, despite being sick. She’s amazing.”
My mother dabbed at her eyes with a Kleenex. “I didn’t expect the poor little thing to have hair, but I’m glad she does.”
“She’s had a rough few years. I wish I could have been here to help her.” Regret must have filled my face because my mother reached out and patted my hand.
“You’re here now, and you have the rest of your lives to be together.”
My eyes went to Teagan; she was still watching Remi sleep. “I hope so,” I said softly, unable to tear my eyes away from her beautiful profile. I’d always wanted forever with Teagan, and my heart still felt the same way, and I wanted more kids.
“Have you made any plans?”
The answer to my mother’s question was laced with unknowns. “We’ve talked about it. If I have my way, we’ll be a real family.” I kept my voice low because I still had to speak to Jensen and I didn’t want him to overhear.
“So you forgive her, then?”
“I do. Her dad was a prick; he threatened to hurt my career, and refuse her tuition because Teagan wouldn’t get an abortion.”
“Well, thank God she didn’t do that! He never liked you.”
