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“Yes, sir. I’ve heard all about you. There’s a buzz about our patient’s famous soccer star, dad.”
I flushed again slightly, uncomfortable that I felt as if I had something to explain, even though it was nonsense. I wasn’t someone who cared what other people thought about me. I played the game for the sake of playing. I was who I was, and I didn’t make apologies, but this was different. I didn’t want people thinking I’d abandoned my child when it was the furthest thing from the truth. No child deserved to be fatherless, especially one as sweet and amazing as Remi.
“I don’t really think about people knowing who I am,” I murmured, just to clarify. “I play for the game, not the fame.”
After I explained the difference in the phone numbers and how she’d need to dial the country code because my phone was out of London, I was striding down the hall toward the elevators.
I felt as if I’d been rolled over by a tank. Physically, I was fine, but emotionally, I was completely spent. I longed for the mindless peace of sleep, but I’d sacrifice to spend time with the woman waiting in the parking lot.
I shook my head in self-disgust. I should hate her, and I wanted to; badly, but I’d come to the realization years earlier, that even if I could move on with my life, even be with other women, Teagan would always hold my heart. It was like a life sentence that I’d never be able to escape.
My thoughts dominated as I made my way down to the first floor; the ding of the elevator as the doors opened brought me back to the present. I focused on the glass at the front of the hospital and gleaming tile floors that led through the large lobby to the big revolving doors.
Teagan’s silver SUV was parked under the covered driveway just outside, and I kept my eyes trained on it as I pushed through the doorway. It wasn’t that late but it was dark outside, with just a hint of pinkish purple very low on the western horizon. The smells and sounds were different from those in London and it hit me how it was warmer, the air more fragrant and soft. Almost like a caress on my face and arms. My phone rang and I ignored it.
Teagan was bent down a little, watching me come outside through the half rolled down window of her vehicle.
“Hi,” she said. She looked freshly showered; the ends of her dark hair damp and less smooth than I saw it earlier that day. She didn’t have much makeup on, and she was dressed in dark leggings and an old Kings of Leon T-shirt.
She’d probably just pulled it out of a drawer and threw it on, but I remembered that concert and that night. It was shortly after we met and I’d pilfered Jensen’s ticket so I could ask her to go with me instead. I had to pay him four hundred bucks for his seat, but it had been an unforgettable night. After the concert, we’d made out in my car until almost dawn.
I inhaled, trying to push away the memory as I climbed inside and shut the door behind me, reaching for my seat belt to fasten it.
“Hey,” I returned. The perfume she always wore wafted around me, filling the interior of the vehicle and somehow it pissed me the fuck off. “Did you wear that shirt to stick it to me?” I asked curtly, unable to help myself.
Given the direction of my thoughts, my statement was a harsh contradiction, but any memory of the amazing way we had been together and how our relationship was ruined, it felt like a dagger to my heart and I literally wanted to kill something. I knew when I made the statement that it would hurt her, but the part of me that wanted to punish her didn’t care.
Teagan faced forward as the car pulled away from the front of the hospital, but I could see the glisten in her eyes and her struggle in the way her lips pursed. She shook her head. “No. I often wear it to bed.” She looked down at her chest, realizing why I was pissed. “Oh.”
Upset that I’d shown even the smallest vulnerability, or remnant of old feelings when she didn’t even realize what the shirt would mean to me, I closed my tired eyes and leaned my head back on the headrest and changed the subject. “Did Kat give you the cash?”
“Yes, thank you. I’d never have been able to get it all done alone.” I could feel the car moving and mentally see the route in my head. It was a short drive. Though I needed to get to bed and I was mad at Teagan; I wished it were five hundred miles to the hotel. I could sense she wanted to talk. I could feel it boiling under the surface and the new hesitation that hung between us.
“Just say it.” I turned my head toward her as I opened my eyes.
“What?” She glanced at me quickly before turning her attention back to the road.
“Just say what you want to say and get it over with.”
I was studying her profile; her perfect face that I’d memorized and dreamt about. Almost six years hadn’t changed her, other than the sadness that haunted her. She wasn’t as exuberant or vivacious, but then, life happened to us both.
“I have way too much to say to do it in the car ride to your hotel.”
I turned away and stared out the front window, seeing our destination was less than two blocks in front of us, I could see her point.
“Mostly, I just want to make sure you know the depth of my regret…” Her voice broke a little even though she spoke in a measured way. Her struggle was real, but the bottom line was even though I wanted to relapse into how we used to be together, I didn’t trust her. “…and, how much I appreciate that you’re here.”
I didn’t really know how to respond. That was it? I just offered a quick nod. “Okay.”
She turned into the parking lot of the hotel but didn’t drive up to the door to let me out, but parked on the edge of the lot facing away from the building, instead. It offered as much privacy as could be had away from the eyes of anyone coming or going from the building.
It was still very warm outside, so she left the engine and the a/c running, but unbuckled her seat belt and angled toward me. In turn, I released mine and rotated a bit, pressing up against the door so that I could look at her. Our eyes locked, but then she looked at her hands folded in her lap. “I know you don’t want to hear any of it, but I want to tell you so much.”
It wasn’t that I was trying to make it harder, but I just couldn’t make it easy; I had too much-unresolved angst boiling inside me. “I guess I don’t see the point. I’m here to help Remi.”
Her deep brown eyes flashed up and then down again. “The point is, that this is the only time I’ve lied to you, and I want to set it straight.”
“You should have thought of that before.”
