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“Bronwyn, I’m in Brazil with two pairs of underwear and one change of clothes. So, it better damn well be casual or I’m shit out of luck. They’re sending a car in thirty minutes.” I scrubbed the shampoo into my head and closed my eyes so that the suds wouldn’t run into them as I turned to rinse my hair.
“So I can’t come, then? I want to be there. What if they want to renegotiate your contract? You don’t want to end up out on your arse.”
Ugh, I thought. I turned off the water and yanked down the fluffy white towel I’d hung over the top of the shower curtain. “I’m taking a leave of absence, not leaving the team, and we’ve been through this. You’re not my agent or manager. You’re my trainer.” I knew I sounded like a dick, but the conversation was exhausting.
“Thanks for the reminder; I’m just hired help,” she snipped.
I dried off my chest and groin and then wrapped the towel around my waist, leaving rivulets of water trailing down on my arms, back, and legs. I stepped out of the shower. “I didn’t mean it that way. I just don’t want to drag this out or make a bigger deal out of it than it already is. I want to get in and get out. I’m gonna try and get a flight out back to the states tonight.”
“What? Why, for pity’s sake? It’s already ten!”
I grabbed another towel from beneath the wooden vanity where the cleaning staff had stacked them, and flung it over my head and started to rub briskly to dry it off.
“I want to get back. This shit is eating me alive.”
Bronwyn’s irritation was obvious in the way she crossed her arms and scowled. “You can’t change anything by rushing back! I was looking forward to this trip, Ace! We were going to stay in Brazil and take a few days in Rio, remember?”
I walked past her out of the bathroom carrying the stack of clothes I’d taken in with me and threw them onto the bed. I went in search of my phone. Glancing down at it, shattered screen and all, a pang of disappointment filled me that there was no message from Teagan. I shook my head, silently chastising myself for even checking. Bronwyn was still close on my heels as I started to dress. I felt crowded and if she didn’t back off, I might blow.
“Change of plans,” I stated the obvious and threw the phone down, starting to dress. I could almost feel Bronwyn’s eyes burn a hole in my back as I threw on a dark teal button down over some blue jeans and slid my feet into my tan Vans. I quickly shoved the rest of my clothes, my leather Dopp kit, and other gear back into the duffle.
“But—”
I turned and let loose; throwing my arms wide as I got right in her face. “But—my kid is dying! Jesus Christ! What’s wrong with you?” She literally jumped back a couple of feet, her face startled. I turned away and kept on stuffing my shit into my duffle as if nothing had happened. “I might not have much time with her!”
“I—I’m, sorry. I’ll make flight plans for you while you’re meeting with Noonan.” I could hear the tears in her voice and felt like an asshole, but it didn’t stop what I was doing and I didn’t stop to comfort her. Instead, I kept my voice even and controlled.
“Cool, thanks. I have my stuff so I can get a cab straight to the airport, later.”
“I’m thinking it will have to be two or three AM because of security,” she said quietly, gathering her composure.
I was halfway to the door and was suddenly hit by a wave of guilt. This wasn’t her fault, and I shouldn’t take it out on her. “Look, I’m sorry. My nerves are pretty shot, but it’s not fair to yell at you.” I walked over and bent to place a quick, chaste kiss on her lips. Her hands lifted to grab onto my arms, but I pulled back before she could deepen the kiss. “I’ll talk to you soon. Please… just text the flight information.”
I wasn’t sure if the car would be waiting in front of the hotel or not, but I was anxious and so made my way to the lobby after an awkward exit. I felt guilty for my coolness toward Bronwyn, but there didn’t seem to be anything I could do to change how I felt, and I couldn’t lie about it.
Maybe, when the transplant was over and I was sure Remi was going to be okay, things would go back to normal. Maybe if I kept telling myself over and over it might be true, but a bigger part of me was hoping there would be a new normal. With Teagan and Remi. As wrong as it was, and despite the heartache, or maybe even because of it… we were still connected. If betrayal, bitterness, heartbreak and wanting to kill myself didn’t change the love, nothing ever would. It fucking sucked and yet, it left me stunned.
Taking a break from the game would put a pinch on the team, but I felt sure the managers, and Coach Noonan, would understand as long as I kept them informed. If not, then it would be bye bye Arsenal. As much as the team and playing soccer meant to me, I’d walk away without a backward glance.
***
The plane was finally arriving in Atlanta as the sun was setting in the clear blue sky.
Bronwyn was asleep in the seat next to me. I was annoyed when I arrived at the airport and she was waiting with two tickets in hand. I didn’t have the energy to argue, especially with the flight time imminent. We had to run to make the gate after we passed through security. After an hour layover in Miami, we were finally here. It felt like ten days rather than ten hours en route.
I’d texted Kat just before we were wheels up in Miami and hoped she’d already been waiting. Bronwyn had checked luggage and so we weren’t able to just breeze through the airport and out without heading down to baggage claim. I was impatient and annoyed, but it was what it was. I wasn’t sure why, but everything Bronwyn did was rubbing me the wrong way. I felt like I was ready to crawl out of my own fucking skin.
“Hey,” I nudged her awake. “We’re landing.”
Bronwyn opened her eyes and sat up slowly, in her typical prissy and deliberate manner. She’d been leaning on me as she slept and my arm was asleep. I rubbed it absently, wondering why her presence, which only a week ago would have been no big deal and expected, was somehow abhorrent to me now.
The answer loomed in front of me like an ocean that I was trying to cross in a rowboat. The ocean had a name and I couldn’t deny it. No matter how I tried to dig in, or how desperately I wanted to disseminate my feelings, it was impossible. And it was more than just Remi. I couldn’t shake the inevitable hold Teagan had over me. Even though I’d gone through the past couple of years trying to convince myself and everyone around me that I was over her, I knew now, that it was one huge lie; and in fact, one I needed to confront to get through it. At the moment, I was drowning; clawing for the relief that had eluded me for years.
“Did you sleep?”
“Not on this leg.” My voice was flat and emotionless.
The time from touch down until passengers were allowed to deplane always felt long, but this morning it was taking for-fucking-ever. Once they shut off the systems the interior of the plane immediately became stuffy, and it was so damned annoying how people started standing up and gathering stuff before it was their turn to leave. I mean, why? Did they think standing up made the people in the rows in front of them get out more quickly? I huffed my agitation.
