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Teagan’s movements were practiced and second nature. It was obvious much of her time with Remi was spent in hospitals caring for her. I was even more determined that Remi would heal and we’d move past this. I used to think I’d give anything to erase my memories of Teagan from my mind so I wouldn’t have to suffer losing her, but in this moment, I wouldn’t trade a thing. In this room, like it or not, was my entire life.
TEAGAN
Despite everything, tonight had been a mixture of heaven and hell.
I was glad Jensen and I had some things settled, but sad because I knew he was hurting. The interaction between Chase and Remi was amazing and somehow healing, but I had been unprepared for meeting his girlfriend.
His girlfriend.
Just the thought of it killed me. Knowing she was in town was one thing, but actually being confronted with her and seeing her try to keep touching him, was another. She was pretty, and I could see she was athletic. I was thin, but I wasn’t muscular like her. I guess it was to be expected of a professional trainer, but I thought she’d be a bit more tomboyish. Instead, she was feminine through and through. Funny how you imagine things turning out one way, and then reality makes it worse. Being able to actually picture her in Chase’s arms hurt worse than any image my imagination could conjure.
I had no right to presume that Chase would want to be with me, even if I did get a divorce, but it was my heart’s highest wish. His presence filled a void in my heart and in my life; one that couldn’t be filled with anyone else. Not Jensen, and not even Remi.
Love for my child was engrossing, but I loved Chase in a different way, and the loss I felt without him was debilitating. You learn how to function day-by-day, especially when you have something as serious as Remi’s illness to face, but having him back ripped open how much my heart bled without him. I missed him like a damned soul misses salvation. I didn’t know if he could ever forgive me, but I at least needed the chance to explain.
Remi had been given her nighttime meds and was drifting back to sleep as I sat beside her bed and held her hand. Her fever still lingered and it was obvious how crappy it made her feel. I stood to pull the covers up and tucked them around her and leaned in to kiss her forehead. I realized I couldn’t kiss her properly through this damned mask, but I wanted to feel close to her, and more, I didn’t want her to feel isolated.
I was exhausted and the thought of spending another night in a chair in a hospital room was less than desirable. Jensen had already gone home because he had to pack for an assignment in L.A. over the weekend. Remi’s illness had become a sort of normal for us and we’d gotten so used to hospitals and tests. In the beginning, he called out of work a lot, but we needed the medical insurance, and he had to make sure his job was secure. It was hard on him, but Jensen was a good provider and since I no longer worked, we had little options. A fresh wave of guilt washed over me as I checked Remi one last time to make sure she was asleep.
I wasn’t sure if I’d find Chase and Bronwyn outside the room or not, but it was late, I was tired and I needed something to drink. I wanted Chase to be there but wasn’t sure if I could handle the English woman. She hadn’t been rude, but it was uncomfortable as hell, and the situation was hard enough already. I pushed open the heavy door to the room and shut it behind me before pulling off the latex gloves, mask and paper gown and shoving them in the waiting waste bin. The lights in the hospital halls were dim due to the lateness of the hour, and still, there were a few nurses here or there, but no sign of Chase.
My heart fell in disappointment. I didn’t know what I expected, but I’d hoped he be here, without Bronwyn. Maybe they were in the cafeteria getting something to eat. I pushed both hands through my hair and shoved it behind both ears. I knew I looked a mess, and I didn’t care. I started a slow, weary walk around the corner and down the hall to the beverage station that was put there for patient family and friends. There were a couple of small couches with a TV in the sitting room across from it, and I filled a paper cup with ice and water and went in, intent on stretching out on the couch. I could hear the television but hoped there wasn’t anyone in there. I needed just an hour or two of sleep to feel better.
I stopped dead in my tracks as my breath hitched. The only light was from the television but I could clearly see Chase’s long body stretched out across one of the couches. He had one arm over his eyes and his legs hung off one end so far they were bent at the knees. It reminded me of the many times we’d fall asleep studying in my dorm room the year we met. He still looked so boyish; lying there all rumpled, even with the heavy shadow of a beard that was starting to show on his jaw. I wanted nothing more than to be close to him, to feel him next to me, to smell his cologne and skin.
I momentarily closed my eyes, then moved across to the other couch and sat down. I took a drink from the cup, sat it on the nearby table before curling my legs under me and leaned my elbow on the arm of the sofa. It was hard and uncomfortable and even though my intentions were to sleep, I was sure two things would prevent me. The awful couch and my desire to stare at Chase, unobserved; to drink in every bit of him I could.
When we were together, I used to catch him staring at me like this and it made me smile, but for me, now, this might be my last chance. He must be dead tired to sleep so soundly on such an uncomfortable piece of furniture. His jeans were ripped on the left knee, and the skin on the knuckles of his right hand were broken and bloodied. Once again, the two men who I loved were hurt because of me.
I couldn’t help wondering if they both wouldn’t be better off without me. At the moment, I needed them because of Remi, but when this was over, I knew I had to let them both go. I was so tired of crying but unable to stop. Everything seemed so hopeless. I looked down at my lap, willing the tears to stop, willing myself not to fall into self-pity, but my heart was broken.
Chase inhaled suddenly and his body jerked. I quickly wiped the tears from my face as he sat up slowly. He seemed a bit out of sorts as he glanced around and his eyes landed on me.
“Did something happen to Remi?” The urgency in his tone was reflected in his panicked expression.
I shook my head. “No. She is sleeping.”
He ran a hand over his face. “Shit.” He inhaled deeply.
“Bad dream?”
“Something like that. Are you okay, Teag?”
“Not really,” I admitted honestly; hesitant to bare my soul. I was struck by the shortening of my name. He hadn’t called me that since we broke up. “Where is Bronwyn?”
“Kat took her back to the hotel. Are you planning to stay here all night?”
“I usually stay with Remi most of the time. Hopefully, she won’t wake up because of the sedation, so I don’t know if I’ll stay tonight. You don’t have to stay, either way.”
“It doesn’t feel right to leave you here alone, and I’m terrified something will happen. I’ll never be able to forgive myself if I wasn’t here when something happened.”
He was already an amazing dad and I was thankful he wasn’t holding any of this against our daughter. His instincts were right on, just as I’d known they would be. “Do you want to talk about what happened with Jensen?”
Chase huffed and leaned forward; his elbows on his knees. He didn’t look at me. “Isn’t it obvious? Did you think I wouldn’t still be pissed as hell? The pain doesn’t go away. It may have dulled over the years, but this— I knew it was going to be hard to see you again, but it’s just—” He paused. “Torture. Magnified by the lies and Remi’s illness, I have to remind myself to keep it together ten times an hour.”
I knew how deeply Chase felt things and he was being ripped to shreds. I could see it on his face, hear it in his voice, and sense it in his agitation.
I got up and moved over to sit beside him. I wanted to be closer, to touch him, to take some of his pain away. “I know. I can say I’m sorry a million times, but I know it doesn’t help.”
