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The phone in my hand vibrated again, breaking into my thoughts. I sighed before I answered. Life never turns out how you expect; Kat and I were friends, and Chase wasn’t part of it.
“Hi, Kat.”
“Hi, sweetie,” her soft voice came through the phone. Kat was beautiful, her voice was pretty, her demeanor was perfect; even when she was mad at me, was always so level-headed. She was three years older than me, two years older than Chase and worked as a receptionist in a local doctor’s office in Greenville. Chase’s family wasn’t well off; his brother, Kevin, was an electrician, like their dad, and they had both stayed close to home. “How is Remi?”
Remi was always the topic of our conversations, and I understood why, but the sound of Kat’s voice asking about her always flooded me with guilt.
I realized I would never have even a moment’s peace, ever. The guilt I felt at the pain I’d caused others was devastating, and Kat was another casualty in all of this. I was the worst person in the world and many times, I considered that Remi’s illness was some cruel get-even scheme from God. I was at the end of my rope, and without a miracle, I’d have no choice but to contact Chase. Kat’s call was just a gentle nudge to bring up, what I’d been trying to avoid.
“She’s sleeping,” I said softly. “She’s weak,” my voice cracked. “They want to give her another round of chemotherapy and I’m not sure if I can watch her go through it again.”
“Oh, no.” Concern laced her voice. “I’m so sorry to hear that. Are there alternatives?”
“Just one. A marrow and stem cell transplant, but to do it they have to radiate her and kill all of her own marrow. If it doesn’t work, she’ll have no immune system and could die right away.” My throat was thick and full of pain. Tears started to stream down my face as I whispered into the phone. “I’m so scared, Kat.”
“Should I come? I’m sure David would be okay with it, and Mom and Dad can help with the twins.” Kat and her husband David had a modest home, not two miles from where Kevin, Chase and she grew up. Her parents still had that house, one that I remembered well. A few months after we started dating, Chase took me home over a weekend in the spring semester of my freshman year, so I could meet them. He was supposed to sleep on the couch, but he snuck up into his old room and we had sex all night. I was scared to death they’d catch us and hate me for life, but he’d managed to get his way with me. Like always.
“Um… I’d love to see you, but I don’t want to impose.”
“You should have someone with you. Jensen’s gone on assignment, right? I was making dinner last night and I could have sworn that I heard his voice on the TV. Alan was watching Monday Night Football in the other room.”
“Yes. I don’t even know what team is playing. Dallas is playing in San Francisco, I think.”
“What’s going to happen with Remi? Do you have a donor?”
“Not yet. I tested, but I don’t have enough of the markers. There are national donor banks and they’re looking. If we don’t find one, we’ll have no choice but to put her back on chemo.”
“I thought that parents would be an auto-match.”
“I wish. There are all kinds of antigen markers that measure how your immune system works and in order for it to work there are several levels that I don’t match her. The best matches are usually siblings, so…”
“Teagan… what about Chase?”
I sniffed and sat up in the bed at her words. “I know, I have to call him…” I closed my eyes and drew in a shaky voice. “He’ll hate me even more than he already does and I’m not sure I’ll be able to stand that.”
“He doesn’t hate you. You have to do it for Remi.”
“I know, but there’s no guarantee Chase’s marrow would match, either.”
“You can have another baby. Would the cord blood work instead?”
I felt my face flood with heat. I’d already considered it. “Maybe, but it’s a risk to wait that long. It could be a year. Besides, a baby with Jensen wouldn’t be a close enough match.”
“I wasn’t thinking about Jensen.”
My breath rushed out of my body at the speed of light. I knew I had no choice. Chase was my last hope to save Remi but my heart fell in anticipation of his reaction. It would be hard enough just learning he had a little girl and that she was sick.
“Oh, God, Kat. I can’t believe you’re even suggesting such a thing. How would that go? Hey, Chase, I know I lied to you and broke your heart, but by the way? We have a sick kid I didn’t tell you about, and I need your sperm to make another one? Right. This will be hard enough.”
“I know it won’t be easy, but— it’s unavoidable.”
I knew where she was going and I interrupted her in panic. “You promised not to tell him,” I said empathically. “You can’t just drop a bomb like this. He’ll be pissed at you, too.”
“Yes, he’ll be hurt, but more than that, he’ll be mad. I have struggled with this ever since I found out about Remi. And since she’s been sick, I’ve picked up the phone a hundred times. He’ll probably never forgive me.”
I sighed, the air filling my lungs so full it almost hurt. More tears squeezed out from closed eyes as my face crumpled. “That’s why I have to tell him, myself.”
“Yes, you do. I should have had my head examined to keep quiet this long.”
