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Her silky head nodded beneath my chin. “Better now that you’re here. The procedure is pretty routine if it weren’t for the infection.”
“I understand.” We separated reluctantly and sat down side-by-side in two of the chairs. I reached for her hand again, unwilling to end the easy contact and automatically her fingers threaded through mine; so familiar and somehow comforting. I could only hope Teagan felt the same way. “Remi will be fine.”
Teagan’s brow furrowed even though she nodded in agreement. I could see the worry and the pain written all over her. “I know.”
“She will, Teagan. I can’t have it any other way.” I glanced at my watch. It was just past 8:30 AM. “I’m hoping I’ll hear something about the DNA results today because if I don’t, I’m ready to beat the shit out of someone.”
“Even if we do get positive results, it might be days before Remi is free of infection. They won’t do the transplant until then.”
“I know, but in case I’m not, the sooner we know the better, so we can consider options. We can’t just sit here; we have to find another donor or something.” My eyes involuntarily filled with tears. “I read up on things. Chemo is literally poison.”
Teagan’s fingers tightened again. “I know. It’s bad, Chase. Remi calls it the mean medicine.”
“Well, this is going to work,” I said matter-of-factly. I got a knot in my stomach knowing this was the time to bring it up. “If it doesn’t, we have to have another baby.”
“I’ve already considered that.”
I tried to gauge her reaction as my eyes skimmed her face.
She got a scared look in her eyes and her hand reached out to wrap around my forearm. “That isn’t why I let the other night happen, Chase. That was about us.”
I wanted to ask her if it were possible she could get pregnant or if she was on birth control, but that would only dig up shit I didn’t want to deal with. Birth control pills would mean she and Jensen were sexually active, and while it was completely plausible, it was abhorrent to me. “Look, until we get things figured out between us, can we promise each other we won’t sleep with anyone else? Even if we aren’t with each other; I just have to have that promise, Teagan. Especially, not Jensen.”
She nodded, squeezing my arm and leaning into me. “That’s easy.”
I sucked in a deep breath. “So, no matter what we have to do, Remi will get better, grow up like a normal little girl, and have everything she’s supposed to have, I promise.”
Teagan’s red-rimmed eyes were evidence of tears and her face showed a lack of sleep. Still, she was so mesmerizing to me. The way she loved Remi, and how devoted and loving she was as a mother only made me love her more.
She nodded but didn’t speak. We sat quietly, leaning gently against each other our shoulders touching. “You’re tired,” I murmured. “How long have you been here?”
“All night. I went home to shower and change clothes when they took her down to prep at six. Surgery was supposed to begin at 8, but they never start on time.”
“Yeah.” I slouched in the chair a little, settling in to wait for the unknown amount of time.
Teagan’s head dropped to my shoulder and she sighed but recoiled quickly. “Oh, I’m sorry.” I held fast to her hand even as she tried to pull it free. “I shouldn’t have presumed. I wasn’t thinking.”
“Hey, it’s okay. It’s easy to slip back into it.” I stared into her eyes, glistening as she blinked and swallowed. She was nervous and I understood. “It’s fine to lean on me. I want you lean on me. It’s how we are supposed to be.”
A tear tumbled down her cheek, and then another on the opposite side, as her face crumpled.
“I have no right to.” Her voice was fragile and trembling, threatening to crack over the next word. She shook her head again, shortly.
“It’s you and me. Old habits die hard.”
“I know, but it’s not fair.”
I could deny it. It wasn’t. We continued to sit there looking at each other, Teagan brushing the tears briskly off of her face, and my throat aching. My lower jaw shot out and I closed my eyes. I wasn’t sure if I was fighting telling her I loved her, or just losing it right there in front of everyone.
“I should have told you about Remi, Chase. I’m so sorry. I’m not apologizing because I’m trying to feel better, I just… I would do anything in order for you to feel better. There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not consumed with regret, and even if you hate me forever, I still want you to be okay.”
I knew she was telling the truth because it was written all over her. I cleared my throat trying to get beyond the overwhelming emotion threating to overflow. “Regret is a useless emotion.”
“If I could just decide not to feel it, I’m not sure I would. I deserve it.”
She thought she deserved to feel pain. I spoke softly, trying to soothe her with my words. “It’s useless for me to tell you not to feel like shit when I feel like shit, too. And, I regret everything after I got that fucking offer, Teagan. It’s my fault, too. I shouldn’t have left.”
“Professional soccer was your dream.”
