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Jensen would be on another assignment soon and Bronwyn needed to go back to London, so I could really talk to Teagan. My not-so-subtle hints weren’t working, and I was getting close to the point of bluntly insisting. It was either that or tell her I was still in love with Teagan. I’d be forced to admit that she was the only one I could see a future with and I was willing to do anything to make that happen. It wasn’t going to be pretty, but Bronwyn had to have suspicions because I rebuffed all of her attempts for sex since we’d arrived back from Brazil the prior week. It felt wrong.
Kat had gone home three days earlier, but before she left she helped to find a small basement apartment in a converted old house just three blocks from the hospital. It wasn’t much, and I’d certainly gotten an earful from Bronwyn about how awful the place was. Either way, it was all I needed. I didn’t care that the appliances were twenty years old, or that the carpet had seen better days. The landlord was a widowed elderly man who lived on the middle floor. He was quiet, it was cheap, and had the three things I required the most: a bed, a shower, and it was clean.
I didn’t care about the lack of luxury in the apartment and I didn’t care about Bronwyn’s objections, in fact, I was hoping it would make her leave. She was still sleeping when I left the apartment, and I didn’t bother leaving a note. I was in a hurry and she’d know where I went, anyway.
The sun was shining and a light breeze rustled the trees. The sky was amazing, dotted with fluffy, cottony clouds, and the morning traffic was bustling. Stores were opening and there was the smell of bacon and pancakes in the air from a coffee shop on the corner. If it weren’t for Remi’s illness and my fucked up emotions, the quaint charm of the neighborhood could have been a more modern version of a fifty’s sitcom.
My steps were brisk as I walked to the hospital, anxious to see Remi after her surgery, anxious to get the results of my DNA test and anxious to comfort Teagan. The test results had taken longer than we expected and the delay made me nervous.
What if I didn’t match? The question was constantly nagging in the back of my mind, but I never spoke it aloud.
I’d spent most of the previous night researching Remi’s type of leukemia, the treatment options, and the likelihood of a marrow match. Chemotherapy, radiation, and marrow transplant were pretty much the only treatments available, and as I poured over page after page of information I’d discovered that the best donor matches were siblings, typically, and that wasn’t an option for Remi.
The sick hollowness that started to ache inside my chest was becoming familiar. If I’d stayed with Teagan, we’d no doubt have another child by now and Remi would have a better chance of survival.
My heart sank into my stomach at the direction of my thoughts.
One decision. One shitty decision followed by more shitty decisions. It was like a domino effect that fucked everything up from that moment on.
I shouldn’t even be thinking about having another child with Teagan, but if my marrow didn’t match Remi’s, then every option would have to be explored. It could get messy, but a child with me had a better chance of matching than one with Jensen. It seemed almost cruel to an unborn baby to try and conceive it just to save the child you have, but last week when Remi lay lifeless in my arms and I wasn’t able to wake her settled into a crystal clear perspective. It got worse when her heart stopped in the ER and Teagan fell apart right in front of me. Witnessing that created a deep desperation worse than any I’d ever felt before; even more than when Teagan left me for Jensen.
I’d be damned if I’d sacrifice any chance that Remi had of surviving, no matter what I had to do. I was sure Teagan, and even Jensen, would agree but the question was whether we could keep Remi alive long enough to make it happen.
I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jeans, silently shaking myself. One of my teammate’s wives had trouble getting pregnant and he’d confided that they were trying In Vitro. IVF was expensive and it could take months or even years to result in a viable pregnancy. It would mean a lengthy process of Teagan taking fertility drugs, harvesting eggs, implantation, and then waiting to see if a pregnancy happened. If it didn’t take, the process would need to be repeated, cycle after cycle. I knew in my heart, Remi didn’t have that kind of time. We’d be lucky to eek out the nine months to a year it might take if she managed to get pregnant the natural way. Plus, I was worried how the numerous drugs Teagan would have to take would affect her health and that of an unborn child. And after the other night, I selfishly wished Teagan was already pregnant. I couldn’t help thinking it would be hypocritical to use IVF after what happened between us.
I took a deep breath, expanding my lungs to capacity. After making love, all I wanted to do was touch her. When she was sobbing in the ER waiting room, I had to get her into my arms or felt like I’d die. The love I still felt for her for was so damn amazing, and I believed her when she said she felt the same way. It emanated in every glance or touch… I felt it with the same magnitude as if I was standing near her or looking at her across a room. It was there whether I saw her or not as if nothing had changed between us. Still, her betrayal still stung; so utterly surreal that someone you love that deeply could have done something like that, but everything that she said put it all in perspective.
Since the night Jensen and I beat the hell out of each other, I’d replayed the words he yelled at me in the parking lot over and over in my head. “You’ll never know the truth if you don’t listen. Do you think you’re the only one who suffered?”
No, I didn’t think I was the only one who suffered, but I sure as hell was the only one who wasn’t given a choice, and that was the one thing I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to get over it. God knew I wanted to, but it was as if a white-hot knife was twisting in my gut whenever I thought about it. I wasn’t allowed to decide my own future. I felt robbed and that might even be worse than thinking of Jensen making love to my girl, and I never thought anything would make me feel worse than imagining that. I was broken hearted and resentful, but howling at the moon for what should have been, didn’t change one damn thing.
I felt helpless, sad, and furious all at the same time, and yet my heart remembered only the incredible love. Even though Teagan was the cause of all of the pain, I realized that having her back in my life and having her love was probably the only hope I had of resolution. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to forgive her completely, but being close and letting each other in was a step in the right direction.
I pulled my sunglasses off and made my way through the lobby of the hospital to the information desk and asked for directions to the surgery waiting room, then readily set off in the direction the receptionist had indicated.
It was a large room filled with several families but as I walked in, my eyes were instantly drawn to Teagan sitting at the end of one row of upholstered chairs in front of a big window. The sun was streaming in and even though her back was to me, it gave her hair a soft auburn glow as it flowed in soft dark curls down her back. She was sitting up, her back straight and I ran my eyes down her slender form registering everything about her. She was dressed casually in a white jersey top and blue jeans. I couldn’t see her feet, but knowing Teagan, she had on black Vans. She didn’t look a day older than when I left for London six years before.
I paused briefly to drink in the sight of her. My hand came to my chest and my head cocked to my right as I registered how beautiful she was, even in her sadness. I inhaled deeply as the inevitability of Teagan was to me. I was never going to stop loving her and I needed to know she was okay. Even if we couldn’t work everything out and be together like before, I needed her in my life in some way. I swallowed at the lump forming in my throat and blinked at the tears burning my eyes.
Her head turned as if she felt me standing there and our eyes met. I couldn’t help the small smile that curved my lips as I looked at her beautiful face. I took a few steps toward her as she rose from her seat, using her hand to indicate the empty chair beside hers.
“Hey,” I said, as I approached her. I took her hand in mine and leaned in to place a gentle kiss on her velvet cheek. She smelled of vanilla and sunshine and I breathed in her essence, pulling back just enough to move and press another kiss at her temple. Her fingers tightened on mine as a gasp escaped her mouth. I felt her free hand curl into my shirt above my belt. It felt involuntary and desperate. It felt emotional and it felt right and expected; it felt like us.
My pulse quickened and I was sure she could feel my heart beating through our joined hands, where my lips touched her skin, and in the air around us: one pulse that kept us both alive.
“Chase,” she whispered.
I paused, letting the moment linger, savoring her nearness. I didn’t want to pull away. My fingers tightened around hers and I pulled back just enough to look down into her beautiful dark eyes. Those unique eyes haunted me and always would. I didn’t want to let go of her fingers but couldn’t stop myself from brushing the knuckles of my free hand against her jaw. Her lids closed slowly and she leaned her cheek against them.
Teagan dropped my hand and stepped forward, sliding her arms around me and pressing close against me and in less than a second, I enfolded her close and pressed her tight against my chest. I sucked in my breath and pulled her closer still.
“Will you hold me? Just for a second. Don’t be mad. I can’t help it.”
“I’m not mad at you.”
“You should be,” her voice was barely a whisper, but I could still hear the break in her words. “It’s so hard to hide how I feel when you’re around.”
“Me, too. Are you okay?” I had to ask.
