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Remi frowned and recoiled as if the needles were a worse prospect than breaking the bone. “That will hurt, Daddy.”
“It might, but I’m tough, I can take it. Don’t worry about me.” He winked and touched her chin.
“Why do you have to go away today? Mommy said you have to go somewhere.”
“I’m going to get you a big present.” His voice wavered and he blinked. “But you’ve gotta get better before I can give it to you.”
“What is it?” she clasped her hands together, her expression lighting up.
“It’s a secret. Nice try, though,” Chase teased.
“Is it a cheeseburger?”
Chase and I both laughed softly, both of us fighting our emotions. “No, baby. It’s better than a cheeseburger.”
“Hmmm. I really like cheeseburgers.” She looked at him coyly, with a tilt of her head.
“We’ll go somewhere and get an amazing cheeseburger when you’re better. I promise.”
His answer seemed to satisfy her. “Will your trip take all day?”
“Most of it. I’ll try to get back in time to say goodnight, okay?”
She nodded. “Don’t forget.”
“I won’t,” Chase promised.
“Daddy has to go, baby girl. He’s got a long drive in front of him.” I nodded toward the door, silently telling Chase I was going to walk him out. Chase stood and kissed the top of Remi’s head, cupping it when he was done. He seemed reluctant to leave and I understood how he felt. Remi was going to be vulnerable as hell after the radiation and it was happening late tonight. It would be a race to get back in time.
“Remi, you be big and brave for Daddy, okay? Jensey will come see you later, and Mommy will stay with you.” She held up her arms to him, and he didn’t hesitate to scoop her up until she was completely in his arms.
Remi hugged him tight in return. Jensen and I had always shown a lot of affection to Remi and we never left her without showing love. “I love you, Daddy.”
Chase’s eyes widened and then closed. He held our daughter tighter and kissed her temple and then her cheek. “I love you, pumpkin. Don’t be afraid. I won’t let anything happen to my best girl.” He sniffed and his voice cracked when he set her down then turned toward the door to her room and started to walk out.
“I’m going to go say goodbye to Daddy, honey. I’ll be right back.” I handed her my iPad that was loaded with games and books for her. Her illness meant she wasn’t able to attend Kindergarten last year, but Jensen and I had decided to homeschool her with K12, an amazing online school program in South Carolina. Remi was smart and it was easy to engage her, except when she was in the throes of chemotherapy. “Do you want to play AniMatch until Mommy gets back?”
Remi took the iPad from me. She was smart and though we had to keep her out of school, I had a lot of learning games loaded for her. “Kay, Mommy.”
Chase was ripping the god-awful paper gown from his body, exposing muscled arms and biceps, the outline of his chest visible under the fine material of his expensive V-neck t-shirt. The olive-green material emphasized his eyes and sun-kissed strands of his hair. His face was mottled and he pulled the mask off and clenched it in his fist.
“Maybe I shouldn’t go.”
There were two nurses, one male and one female, who were outside of Remi’s room discussing another patient’s case and their conversation stopped for a brief period as they observed us. Discretely they turned away and pushed the computer cart they were working on farther down the hall to give us privacy.
I was suddenly calm, even though my emotions were a mess. I laid a hand on his chest and tried to keep my voice steady. “Chase.” I looked up at him and his eyes locked on mine. We were both teary eyed and I could see a muscle working in Chase’s jaw as he struggled with leaving. “It’s okay. I know you need to do this.”
“Yeah. They need a chance to know her, but it might be too late. What if—” He shook his head adamantly. “I don’t want to be away if—”
“Hey. You had faith that your marrow would match and it did. You said she’s going to get better. She will. Have that same faith she’s going to be okay. I trust you.”
Inside I was just as terrified and part of me didn’t want him to leave, but I didn’t want to stop him. He brushed a loose tendril of my hair behind my ear. “Jensen said the last years had been hell and I had been spared, he wasn’t kidding. This is brutal.”
It was. After three years of dealing with it, I wasn’t much better at handling the unknown or the stress. The strong façade, necessary in front of Remi, was exhausting. “It is.”
“I’m proud of you, Teagan. I don’t know how you do it day-in and day out, year after year. You amaze me.”
“I do it because I have to; for Remi. She can’t see how scared we are or she’ll worry about dying. I can’t let that happen.”
