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A fast breath entered my body through my nose, almost involuntarily filling my lungs to capacity. This wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but I realized I had no right to expect her to just jump into my lap and change her entire life around based on a late apology and a couple of days together. “Yeah, I’d like that. And maybe I can come to Memphis or Knoxville, too, or we could meet in Nashville or New Orleans.”
“Dylan, you know I want you around. I always have, but now, what about Alan? I can’t just run off on random trips without him. He is not really the jealous type, but then again, I’ve never had this type of thing come up before now.”
I could read her so well, and I could see the inner struggle. I knew she wanted to ask me if I wanted more than being best friends and everything inside me screamed to tell her the truth, but was it fair of me? The muscles in my throat started to constrict uncomfortably and I cleared my throat. “I understand all of that.”
I watched Remi push the lettuce in her bowl around with her fork again, but still barely eating any of it. I badly wanted to tell her to be with me, but I knew I couldn’t. My heartbeat thrummed so hard inside my chest that I could feel my pulse throb in the vein in my neck. “I’m not trying to uproot your life, but I just couldn’t bear for us to have this incredible weekend together and then, nothing.”
She pushed her bowl away gently. “It has been amazing, and I don’t want us to be nothing, either.”
I nodded and finished my beer. “Listen, I didn’t mean to make you cry,” I said, meaning it. “We don’t need to over complicate it, but I do want to figure it out.”
“I know. You should eat up. You were so hungry when we were leaving the park.” She blinked as if she was holding back more tears and it was clear she was changing the subject. I felt like an ass for making her feel bad, and I picked up my fork to at least try to eat the healthy meal in front of me. I finally gave up on the salad and downed half of the chicken sandwich.
We picked at our dinner in relative silence until we’d both managed to get most of it down and I’d gone to get us both another beer. I chastised myself because I felt I was chickening out and knew if I didn’t finish the conversation, I’d regret it. I wanted to tell her that she was the one, to dump her boyfriend, move to KC with me and we could live happily ever after, but I also knew I couldn’t be so selfish. Acting that way was what got me into this mess in the first place, and just as professional soccer was my dream, working at St. Jude was hers.
I was torn between my heart and head; struggling to stay between the lines. It was so difficult to keep from blurting out how I felt, what I wanted, and how we could make it work because I could move closer to her and commute the same way Chase had done from Atlanta all the years we were growing up.
When Remi was clearing the remnants of our meal away, I was unable to move, to get out of my own head. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her. Pushing away from the table and standing up, I grabbed three empty beer bottles and the errant napkins and headed to follow her. I shoved the stuff into the recycle bins. The conversation, as well as the sun and full day of walking, was weighing on me. She was only a couple of feet away and I couldn’t help myself, I put my hand at the back of her waist and rubbed up and down on her back, ending with a couple of pats. I just wanted to put her at ease and work through the awkwardness of all that was left unspoken.
“What do you say we do the movie thing in your room again. I’m beat.”
“Sure, but I get to pick the movie this time.”
“No problem.” I yawned. I really was tired, and though it wasn’t the way I wanted the night to end, at least I’d be close to her. “I’ll meet you upstairs? I’ll just change and get a fire going in there, okay?”
“Sure.
I huffed out a soft laugh. “It seems funny that it’s early summer and yet, I want to build a fire.”
Remi smiled softly. “Yeah, but it’s the Smokies.”
I nodded as we both headed toward the stairs. “Yeah, and if it gets too hot, we can always just crank the A/C.” It was silly, but I wanted the coziness of the fire, and snuggling under the covers with her, and if that meant turning the thermostat down to fifty degrees, so be it.
Remi
My stomach was tight, both with apprehension and excitement.
Was Dylan saying he wanted to be more than friends? The thought of a night alone with him with the possibility was thrilling, and though I’d wanted to hear those words from him ever since puberty, I still wasn’t sure if that’s what he implied. And what about my relationship with Alan? I sighed as a wave of guilt washed over me, but I didn’t want to think about it as I cleared away the rest of our meal. Dylan finished his sandwich, but there was still half left of mine; I wrapped it up and stowed it in the refrigerator, thinking he might be hungry, later.
As I slowly climbed the stairs to the second floor of the cabin, I took a deep breath. I was nervous about the evening ahead, which was dumb. This was Dylan and we knew each other better than anyone else. This weekend proved that no matter how much time passed, even years of not talking much, we could pick up right where we left off. The problem was, were we doing that or heading into completely unchartered waters?
Dylan loaded logs into the fireplace, and I stopped in the hallway to lower the thermostat.
Walking into my room, I found Dylan bent over the fireplace using a candlelighter to light a small pile of toilet paper and smaller pieces of wood the host had supplied for kindling that he’d piled beneath the logs. The paper incinerated quickly and fed the thin wood pieces to start the fire. Dylan had placed the logs in a way that would allow oxygen through and soon the flames were high enough to catch one of the logs. Soon, it would be blazing. I stood there quietly, just watching, but I knew he sensed my presence.
Dylan glanced at me as he rose from bended knee. “I’m going to change, while you pick out a movie,” he said. His eyes met mine then flashed away. He was nervous, too.
“Okay, I need to change, as well.”
I quickly threw on the same pajamas I’d worn the night before. This was a short trip and I’d only packed one pair. I folded the shorts and top I’d put on after my shower before dinner neatly, because I’d be wearing them on the trip home tomorrow. I found myself wishing we had more time here. I picked up my cell phone from the nightstand and paused only briefly before shutting it off. That little nag of guilt hit me again, but I pushed it aside. Something inside just didn’t want to hear from Alan, and I told myself I’d call him tomorrow before we left to return.
I sat on the bed and flipped through the movies on the pay-per-view. There was a small assortment in each category, but they blurred into oblivion as I got lost in my thoughts. I glanced up from the TV screen when Dylan knocked lightly on the closed wooden door.
“You look sad,” he commented, correctly judging my mood.
“Yeah, a little. This weekend has been amazing, and it’s gone by so fast.”
“It has,” Dylan agreed, still hovering in the doorway to the room.
