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I was hanging on to every second we had left of the day as we got closer to South Carolina where I would pick up my car and drive to Tennessee the next day and Dylan would take off for the ranch in Wyoming before heading to Kansas City. Then, what? I wondered.
Dylan was so happy. I loved just looking at him as he’d talk to me about his excitement about playing national soccer and being coached by my dad.
My heart was racing as he held my hand during the drive and a soft rock station was playing on Sirius Radio. It felt so right. I was flooded with waves of love and elation, but what I’d have to say to Alan when I saw him next hung over me like a thunder cloud. I’d been ignoring his texts and they were coming closer together and getting more frantic. My phone dinged again, and I closed my eyes in reaction.
“What’s wrong?” Dylan asked, the look on his face thoughtful. He was in complete control of the car, but totally connected to me. His hand holding mine; his thumb rubbing over the top of mine.
I turned my face toward Dylan before I spoke. “Just… Alan. He’s been texting all day and I feel awful ignoring him. What do I say to him? Hey, Alan, thanks for being a place holder until the one I’ve always wanted finally woke up?” My voice cracked as Dylan’s fingers tightened on mine. I swallowed hard to push down the tears.
“That’s not how it is, Remi. I’ve always loved you. It just took me a while to find the stones to admit it. Not just to you, but to myself.”
“The reasons won’t matter to Alan. He’ll just see that the plans we made are gone and I have zero loyalty.”
I felt and visibly observed Dylan tense. He pulled his hand away. “You can stay with him if that’s what you want, Remi. I understand I’m late to the party.”
Silent tears fell from my eyes, and I quickly brushed them from my cheeks with both hands. “What I want doesn’t mesh with what is the right thing to do, and I hate ruining this last day with you. I just want to be with you and let myself forget reality, but I should answer him. I wish… I just wish you’d come to your senses a couple of years ago. Now I’m stuck, and I have to hurt someone that matters to me.” My voice was thick, and my nose was starting to stuff up from the tears.
“I know that,” Dylan said shortly. He ran a hand down his face to his strong jaw. “I’m a bastard. I get it.”
“Do you? If I don’t hurt him, I can’t have the one thing I’ve always wanted. I mean, it took me years to reconcile that you just didn’t feel the same way… to accept that you’d never love me. It’s the only way I could move on.”
“That’s the thing, Remi; I never moved on. I’ve always loved you. I always figured that in the end, it’d be you and me.”
More tears fell as Dylan said the words I’d always wanted to hear. A soft sob broke from me as I covered my face in my hands. My heart was breaking because of the time we wasted. I ached to blurt out that if he never moved on then he wouldn’t have been able to be with anyone else. Though that was how my heart felt, but I knew that if I couldn’t get over it, we could never be together.
The car slowed and Dylan turned onto an off road that led to a campground and stopped the car. He turned and reached out to brush my hair back and cup my cheek. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I shouldn’t have let you go before, and I shouldn’t have made love to you before we figured everything out. I didn’t mean to confuse you.” His expression was pained. “I just can’t let you go again, Remi. I won’t make that mistake again.”
His words were what I needed to hear. “Last night… I just wish it could last forever.” I couldn’t help but press my cheek into his hand and raise my eyes to his. This was Dylan. My best friend, now my lover, and the person I’d secretly worshipped since I was six years old.
He reached out with his free hand to hold my face between both. His thumb brushed a tear away from my cheek. “It can. It can, sweetheart.”
He leaned toward me, and his mouth brushed mine. It was soft and he gently tasted my lips, gently teasing and coaxing until it bloomed into a deep, passionate kiss. Our tongues tangled and our hands desperately held each other. One hand cupped the back of my head and I felt one of his arms slide around me. My hands slid up to tangle in the hair at the back of his nape. This must be what heaven felt like. He softened the kiss and ended it by softly sucking my lower lip into his mouth. “I’m sorry that my timing sucks, Remi, but I want to make this work. I want to be with you forever.”
Our heads bent toward each other, and our foreheads touched. “Dylan,” I breathed out his name.
“If you want, I can come with you to speak to Alan. This is my fault and I’ll take the heat.”
He was holding both of my hands, as our heads still touched. “I have to do this alone.”
Dylan backed up and used both of his thumbs to brush the tears from my face. “Ok. It’s your decision, but I’m here if you need me.” He lifted my right hand and kissed the inside of my wrist and repeated the action with my left hand. “I’ll be here for you, no matter what,” he promised. “You’re my damsel.”
I nodded as a joyful laugh burst forth through my tears. “I know.” I did know it. I felt it. He’d always taken care of me besides the years that I’d run from him.
“It’s so beautiful here. Do you feel like a walk?” His expression was soft and inviting. His deep cerulean eyes imploring.
“A walk would be nice,” I agreed with a small nod yet not wanting to break the magical connection for even a moment.
I shouldn’t have worried, because when we got out of the car Dylan fell into step beside me and our hands connected as if drawn together by magnets, our fingers lacing together. He pulled my hand up and free hand wrapped around our entwined fingers and pulled it to his heart. My own heart stopped. I knew at that moment that no matter the consequences, there was nowhere else I wanted to be for the rest of my life.
We walked along a trail that led away from the campground; for a while without speaking a word. I looked up at the trees and clear blue-sky peeking through the canopy of leaves, I listened to the symphony of birds singing and squirrels chattering angrily at each other. I was acutely aware of the warmth of Dylan’s possessive hand holding mine, and his presence at my side. Every sense was heightened. I inhaled deeply; the freshness of the forest surrounding me.
“I just love being with you,” Dylan murmured. “I know the way this happened wasn’t ideal, or even right, Rem… but after last night, I don’t think we can ever go back to the way things were. I don’t want to pretend anymore.”
His words both excited me and filled me with trepidation. I wanted it to be true; I wanted the fairy tale that I’d pictured all my life to be realized.
“Say something,” Dylan prompted. “The silence is killing me.”
I glanced at him as we walked along. “You know how I feel about you. I always have. I’m just sad that in order to be happy, I’ll have to hurt Alan, and I’m worried about the distance.”
