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“Here we go,” Remi said in the living room, piling the pillows with the quilt on one corner of the sofa. I continued to rinse the plates and throw away the containers from the Indian restaurant.
“Remi!” Alan demanded.
I stayed in the kitchen but moved closer to the arched doorway so I could see what was happening while remaining in the shadows.
“I won’t allow him to stay here with you!”
Remi was making up the couch, basically dismissing his anxiety; she didn’t miss a beat. “It’s fine. He’s family. He’s not going to a hotel, and that’s that.” Her voice was calm and dismissive. “It’s late, I’m exhausted, and Dylan has had a long trip.”
“But…” Alan began. “Remi, this is not appropriate.”
She put her hand on his arm and started to gently push him toward the door, but her voice was soothing. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Like you did when you were at that amusement park?” he stated indignantly.
He was right. Remi did disappear the last time we were together, and if she was seeing him romantically, I’d respect the boundaries this time; not allowing hormones or emotions to rule our actions, but I intended to speak to her to get some things clear first.
They were close to the door, and I kept the water running, pretending to still be rinsing the plates and silverware, then loading them into the dishwasher, making more noise than necessary. Their voices were low, and I wanted desperately to know what was said, but decided it was the right thing to do to give them time.
The door was open, and Alan was halfway out but I could see him still talking urgently to her, and though I couldn’t hear his words the abruptness of his hand gestures spoke of anger. Finally, she managed to calm him down. In another minute, the door was closed, and Alan was gone. I turned off the water and reached for a dish towel to dry my hands. I inhaled deeply but wasn’t sure if it was in relief or anxiousness about the conversation that would come next.
She lingered in the entry to the kitchen watching me finish up. “What a surprise to see you,” she said quietly, studying me.
We were finally alone, yet I struggled with the unseen abyss caused by the argument during our last call. I threw the towel on the counter. “I hope it’s okay.”
She nodded, carefully watching for my reaction. “It is, but I’m not sure why you came.”
I moved forward and took her hand, leading her back into the living room to the sofa, pulling her down next to me. I didn’t release her hand as our eyes met. “I didn’t like how we left it and I know you’ve been upset about stuff at the hospital. I wanted to make sure you are okay, but I didn’t mean to interrupt your evening with Alan.”
I could see the muscles in her neck move as she swallowed hard, then she looked at our hands. I moved and threaded my fingers through hers. “I had a long day and he offered to bring dinner. I said yes out of habit. It wasn’t a thing.”
Habit. What should I read into that? It meant he was in her life, and I wasn’t. “He thought it was,” I murmured.
Her eyes flew to mine. “What did he say?”
“He just made it plain you were with him.”
“But I told you that I’m not.”
I rubbed the top of her hand with my thumb. “I know.” It was time to be honest with Remi and with myself. “I’m torn between being glad you have someone here so you’re not alone and being jealous that it isn’t me.” I offered a sad smile and reached out with my free hand to push a lock of hair that was falling over the side of her face behind her ear.
Her chin lifted and she looked up into my face. “I know the feeling. That’s how I felt at Clemson.”
“I know that now,” I said simply. What else could I say? I couldn’t change the past.
“I’m confused and unsure where we are, now.” Her eyes got glossy as tears formed. “I don’t understand how you can be so…” she hesitated. I wasn’t sure if she was struggling to find the words or just didn’t want to say them.
“It’s okay, Remi. You can say anything to me.” It was true, but part of me was terrified. Losing her was the only thing that scared me. I’d told Alan that she was mine for life, and I meant it; Ifeltit, and my gut told me she felt the same way, but then all the shit with Christy happened and now Alan was back in the picture in the months that had passed since our trip. The years that had gone by since we were together day and night were years ago… so much had changed. I’d known it would. Growing up was hard, but Remi was the one part of my life that I never thought would change, but reality has a way of smashing dreams.
She lifted a hand to brush away just one tear that had managed to escape her left eye. “I’ve got all of this emotional stuff going on, and it’s not just because of things with us. And when you’re with me, I just want to fall into your arms because somehow, you make the world go away. But, so much stands between us when we’re apart. I’m afraid of getting hurt; I’m afraid of losing you; but I don’t even know what this is. I’m confused.” Her voice was thick with emotion, and I felt my own throat constrict.
We were sitting facing each other with barely any space between us, but it seemed like miles. I wanted to hold her in my arms. I ached for it, but it was more important to talk.
“I know. I’ve thought about all of that, too. I get it.”
“But you’re mad that I don’t trust you, and if I’m candid, there is a part of me that worries, Dylan. I’ve seen how women are attracted to you… and then Christy being at the ranch. I have to be honest; I don’t trust you…not completely. I want to and it hurts to doubt you, and I don’t want to hurt you by saying this, but I won’t lie to you.”
My head dropped as I acknowledged her words. After I’d found my voice, my head came up and my eyes searched for hers. It did hurt hearing it, though the anger I’d felt at first had vanished. I could see the sadness in her eyes as she struggled not to cry.
