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I think Adam’s death brought into focus everything he missed out on with us. Opportunities he’ll never get back. Opportunities he regrets wasting.
“I’m good, actually. I think I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I’ll nevernotmiss him. But I think it’s okay to miss him.”
I give her hand a squeeze. “I miss him, too.” I glance past her at AJ. “Especially when I see him building LEGOs. Adam loved doing that when we were kids. He’d be right in the middle of it. Hell, he’d probably encourage AJ to put off his school project so they could keep building together.”
“He absolutely would,” my mum chimes in. “There were quite a few times your brother claimed to be sick, so I allowed him to stay home from school, only to find him hours later making an entire village with his LEGOs. The next time he attempted to pull one over on me, I said I needed to use a rectal thermometer on him. That made him change his tune rather quickly. He was dressed in his uniform in a matter of seconds.”
We all erupt in laughter, the sound welcome in this place that’s typically filled with sorrow and loss.
“What other things did my dad do?” AJ asks after a beat, his question slightly hesitant.
It’s silent as we exchange glances.
For years, Adam’s been the elephant in the room. We’ve told AJ bits and pieces about his father, did everything to make sure he knew he died a hero, but we haven’t gone into too much detail.
And AJ never asked.
Until now.
“He would watch your Uncle Creed sleep,” Mum says after a few moments. “He was so excited about having a little brother. But he didn’t understand why he slept all the time, so he would always sneak into his crib and watch him.” Her eyes glisten with unshed tears, a nostalgic smile tugging on her lips as she meets my gaze. “From the beginning, he always watched out for you. Always wanted to keep you safe.”
I swallow hard, pushing down the new wave of remorse filling me. My mum doesn’t mean anything by it, but it makes me regret my actions even more.
Solidifies I made the right decision in New York.
“He would make a mess in the bathroom whenever he took a bath,” my dad says, his voice wistful. “I lost count of the number of times I told him the point of a bath was to keep the waterinthe tub. Not out of it.” He shakes his head and chuckles. “He would bring all these toys in with him. Army figurines. Dinosaurs. Stuff like that. He always had a rather active imagination. Would make up these stories as he splashed around.” He pauses, pulling his lips between his teeth. “I wish I was home more to watch that.” His gaze lifts to mine, an apology within.
I give him an understanding smile. My dad may not be perfect, but at least he’s trying to do better.
“How about you, Uncle Creed?” AJ looks my way. “What’s your favorite memory of my dad?”
I fix my eyes forward, searching my brain for one memory of my brother I’d consider my favorite. It’s harder than I thought. My brother and I may have had our differences, but we also had a lot of good times together.
Like when we rode our bikes to the local market on the “busy street”, as we called the road with slightly more traffic than our sleepy residential neighborhood.
Or when we built a fort out of bent trees in the wooded area behind our house, complete with a “No Girls Allowed” sign.
Or when I called home during my training for special teams, ready to give up, only for him to remind me I was stronger than this and to persevere.
But there’s one memory that will always stand out.
“The day he told me your mum was pregnant with you. He wanted to go to the shops and start buying baby clothes, even though he had no idea if you were a boy or a girl.”
I look into the distance as I remember how ecstatic my brother was, the memory of that day playing like a movie in my mind. I didn’t think he could get any happier than when he first told me about meeting Rory. That was nothing compared to the unbridled joy he exuded when he told me he was starting a family with her.
“But he was also a little scared.”
“Scared?” AJ presses.
“Worried he wasn’t going to be a good dad. I assured him he would. He was always an amazing older brother to me.” I lift my lips into a smile. “Still, I promised I’d always be there for him, as well as you and your mum. And it’s a promise I’m happy to keep for the rest of my life.”
Rory reaches for my hand and squeezes, eyes awash with gratitude.
“How about you?” I ask her guardedly.
She chews on her bottom lip as she stares at the red liquid in her wine glass. Then she pulls her hand from mine. I worry I overstepped. That she’s not ready, even all these years later.
“He always brought me coffee in the morning,” she finally says. “It was such a small thing, but every morning when his alarm went off, he prepared two cups and we spent twenty minutes drinking our coffee in bed, talking about our hopes for the future. Even when he was on assignment, he made sure to FaceTime me each morning so we could still have our coffee together.” She swipes at a few tears falling down her cheeks. “It just shows how thoughtful he was. He always made time for those he cared about, regardless of how busy he was.”
