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Another silence settles in the room, the only sound that of Christmas music playing in the background. Then my father stands, raising his scotch glass. “To Adam.”
We all follow suit. Even AJ lifts his glass of water, all of us toasting the impact Adam had on our lives. It’s bittersweet to share these memories. But also freeing. Like we’re finally allowing ourselves to put our past behind us.
* * *
“I’ll be right there,” Mum tells Dad as they start toward the door after Rory’s taken AJ up to read with him before bed.
“Sure thing.” He gives me a brief hug. It’s a change from the typical handshakes we once limited ourselves to. “Happy Christmas, son.”
“You, too, Dad.”
He pats my back, then slips out of the house. I grab my mum’s coat off the rack in the mudroom and help her into it.
“How are you, Creed?” she asks as she pulls on her gloves.
“Good,” I respond, although I can tell her question is deeper than a polite inquiry.
“Are you happy?”
I avert my gaze. “Of course I am.”
She studies me for a beat, her analytical stare sweeping over my face. Other than Adam, she was the only person who could figure out what I was feeling or thinking.
“He wouldn’t want this life for you. You know that, right?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Adam,” she says softly. “He wouldn’t want you to sacrifice your happiness like this. Don’t get me wrong. What you’ve done for Rory and AJ is remarkable. You put your life on hold to give them the support they need. But you did so at the expense of your own happiness.”
“Mum, I—”
“The story you told tonight. About how happy Adam was when he told you Rory was pregnant.”
“What about it?”
“He’d hate to know you never got to experience that same happiness.” She places her hand on my arm. “You need to stop punishing yourself. Because that’s what you’ve been doing since Adam’s death, Creed. You’ve been punishing yourself.”
“I’m not punishing myself,” I insist, although my words lack even a modicum of conviction. “I’m just fulfilling my promise to Adam. He asked me to look out for Rory and AJ if anything were to happen to him.”
“He’d take it back in a heartbeat if he knew about all the sacrifices you’ve made in order to fulfill that promise.” She grabs my hands in hers. “You know how much your brother loved you. He was willing to lose everything so you’d be happy. He wouldn’t want this life for you. Hedidn’twant this life for you. I don’t want this life for you, either. I know things are…complicated. I wouldn’t count yourself out just yet.”
She hoists herself onto her toes and presses a soft kiss to my cheek. Then she turns and makes her way out of the house, leaving me with even more questions.
Was she talking about Esme when she mentioned things being complicated? And what did she mean by saying Adam was willing to lose everything so I’d be happy?
Once my parents’ car pulls out of the driveway, I head up the stairs, my thought consumed by my mother’s words. Until I peek into AJ’s room and admire his sleeping form.
While I appreciate my mother’s concern, AJ needs to be my priority. He’s nearing an age when he’s going to need a positive male influence in his life. Since my father was never around much for me, Adam filled that role for me.
And now I need to repay that favor.
Not chase something as fleeting as happiness.
ChapterForty-Two
Esme
“Happy New Year!”Harriet greets me with a lopsided hug when I step into her townhouse, making me think she’s already been hitting the bottle pretty hard today.
