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With a hard swallow, I set the book down. “I’m glad to see you haven’t lost your ability to flirt.”
He chuckled. “I never lost it. I just chose not to.”
Somehow, that was harder to hear. A cold numbness settled over me. “It’s probably for the best.”
“Oh?” His smile went stilted.
“If Yazmin’s beast hadn’t killed you…” No, I couldn’t place the blame of us never making it on him. On his circumstance. It was me. All me. “I’m not very good at relationships. Being intimate is…difficult. We wouldn’t have gotten very far.”
“I don’t know whether to be insulted by that or not.” Gaige’s expression softened. Slowly, he moved to my side and parked his hip on the table, blocking me from continuing to peruse the books. “What happened to you, Kost?”
A familiar pang of fear sparked from the scar on my chest. We’d both just agreed that we never would have made it. Well, he didn’t agree, but he didn’t disagree, either. And that was enough. Fear shifted to pain as something fisted my heart tight. Being near Gaigehurt. Far beyond any physical ailment I’d ever had. Even when I’d been stabbed above my heart. Even as I sat for weeks and waited to die.
Unable to take this conversation any further, I looked past him to the clearing full of Charmers. “We’ll have to tell everyone about your shadows. About their nature, about the correlation to the monster attacks. Everything.”
He went completely still beside me. “Why can’t you just be honest?”
I rounded my gaze back to him. “I am being honest. We can’t hide what’s happening.”
“Not about me.” His grip on the table tightened. “We’re talking aboutyou. Not everything has to be about my shadows.” His voice rose an octave, and thin tendrils began to wrap around his feet like vipers. Their erratic movements matched the increased rhythm of his breathing, and I straightened.
“Gaige.”
“No.” He didn’t budge. “Maybe I’m not the only one who needs help, Kost.”
His shadows wreathed his legs and lashed out against the table, scattering books. They finally caught Gaige’s attention, and he glanced down at what he’d unintentionally summoned. His face blanched, and suddenly he wasn’t looking at me in annoyance anymore, but fear. Panic flooded his steel-blue eyes.
“It’s okay.” I grabbed his wrists and tried to anchor him to me. “Try to center yourself. Slow your breathing. Imagine throwing a blanket over your power.”
He yanked out of my grip and stumbled away from the table. “Don’t. I can’t… What if…”
“You’re not going to hurt anyone.” I closed the distance between us. Alarm raced through his expression, but I wouldn’t run from him. I needed him to know that he wasn’t alone in this. He never had been. If anyone had been failing here, it’d been me.
Slowly, I brought my hands to his once more. He twitched beneath my fingers but didn’t retreat. His shadows, on the other hand, began to recede. Every breath from Gaige made them dwindle further, until they were no longer crawling across the table.
“Good.” I gave him a squeeze.
The tension racking his frame lessened. His eyes fluttered closed, and the chaotic tendrils quieted. Soon, they were no more than wisps ringing his ankles. And then they were simply gone.
Gaige peeled open his eyes and looked down at the space where they used to be. “They’re gone.”
“Yes.” I still hadn’t let go.
His relieved smile was a beautiful thing. Then, he gently freed one hand to cup my face.
And kissed me. Soft. Questioning.
I froze beneath his lips, unable to wrangle my thoughts. And yet, in that moment, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to weigh the pros and cons, I simply wanted to act. So I did.
I let myself sag into him and felt my arms instinctively wrap around his neck. It was as if my response released something in him because he moaned in answer. His hands moved to my waist, gripping tightly for purchase as he crushed his mouth against mine. His breath was wild, his tongue hungry. Heat rushed through my bones and cooked the air around us, and all my senses narrowed to him and the tight, demanding pressure of his fingers. This was the kiss that should have happened ages ago. And I couldn’t get enough of it. I wanted more. I wanted to live in this sensation. A deep groan broke free from my chest, and I hardly recognized the sound of my own voice.
Gaige’s kiss consumed me, and I knew in an instant I was doing irreparable damage to my soul. It was a mistake to be so…vulnerable, but I couldn’t stop it. A part of me needed to know what we could’ve become. What I’d have to walk away from now to save myself, save both of us, from any future pain.
Every ounce of my being revolted at the idea of breaking our embrace, but I did it. And gods, I wasn’t prepared for the twisting ache of its conclusion. Even though I’d pulled back, I couldn’t convince myself to leave his arms entirely. Chest heaving, I closed my eyes as I went to war with my desires and allowed cooler emotions to prevail. When I opened them again, Gaige was staring at me, his hands still entrenched on my waist.
“Kost…” His voice was deliciously heady, and it sent me reeling. Face flush and lips damp and bruised from my kiss, he was too much to behold.
I couldn’t bring myself to answer. Nothing felt right. I couldn’t kiss him again—not ever if I wanted to keep my sanity—but I wanted to. I wanted to risk everything to feel this…this thrill again. But I knew wants and desires had a tendency to be fleeting, and if Gaige’s feelings ever shifted, I’d never survive. I was already in too deep.
