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Rudy hesitates, then lets out a huff. “A girl,” he finally says. There’s a pause, and he pushes a strand of wet hair off my forehead. “I had an ex with a daughter, and it…didn’t work out. If you think breast cancer is baggage, you have no idea of the complications that come with dating a woman with a kid.”
And just like that, my hope crumbles to dust. With great effort, I unwind the tightness in my muscles and busy myself running a washcloth over his pectoral muscles. “You didn’t like the girl?” I’m proud of how neutral my voice sounds, even if my pulse is pounding.
“I loved her,” Rudy says, his voice distant. “Thought I could be the best stepdad ever.”
Hope blooms inside me. He wanted to be a stepdad. He didn’t care that the kid wasn’t his blood. Maybe… Maybe he wouldn’t care about my baby being another man’s, either. “But…?”
He shrugs. “We broke up. She refused to let me see her kid, even though I was the only father she’d known for over half her life.” There’s a bitterness in his voice that I’ve never heard before.
I keep my eyes on the washcloth, letting the fingers of my other hand drift through its wake of suds. “What happened?”
Rudy watches me for a moment, then lets out a humorless huff. “You know, I’ve never told anyone about my past, but when you look at me like that, it makes me want to share it all with you.”
Is it normal for my chest to ache like this? I force my expression to remain neutral. “Oh?”
Rudy spins us around so he’s under the water. The soap rinses off his body, and his hands move to make slow sweeps over my skin. “I understand, you know. She was the girl’s mom, and I was just an ex-boyfriend. I had no legal or biological ties to her daughter. Logically, I know I had no right to be her father. But…” He shakes his head. “I love kids. I mean, doing the bookstore’s story time is sometimes the highlight of my week. I’m just not sure I could go through that again. Felt like it was my daughter I lost.”
The water is turning colder, but neither of us makes a move to shut it off. “It hurt you,” I say a little uselessly.
Rudy blinks, his eyes focusing on me. “Yeah. After that, I decided no stepkids. It’s not worth the pain.”
There’s nothing inside me. My heart has stopped beating. My blood has stopped pumping. I’m just…empty. The water from the shower hits my skin like a thousand icy needles. Shivering, I shove my head under the spray to hide the moisture in my eyes.
Rudy might want kids, but he doesn’t want stepkids. I heard the hardness in his voice, the surety. Once I tell him about the baby, he’ll be gone.
But didn’t I always know that?
It was stupid of me to go on a date with him after our initial dinner. When I felt the chemistry of our kiss, I should have known it would be more than physical between us. It was never going to be just scratching an itch. I lied to myself about keeping things casual, and I knew this would end in disaster.
There had always been this tiny kernel of hope, though. A dim, flickering flame that I kept alive in the darkest parts of my soul, thinking I’d found my white knight. Thinking I could be saved.
Maybe I really am living in one of the Grimm brothers’ stories. I sure as hell am blind.
I stare at the tile in the shower, then reach over to shut the water off. Neither of us moves to get out, since the shower stall is still warm and steamy. A cocoon.
Rudy keeps his hands on my hips, our bodies close. “It was for the best, you know. After we broke up is when I started the brokerage and went from a realtor to a business owner. I wouldn’t have half of what I have if I’d been part of their family. I’m not mad at her for taking the kid.” As if he suddenly realizes what he’s saying and who he’s talking to, Rudy jerks away from me and shakes his head. He drops his hands from my hips. “I’ve made a good life now,” he tells me, the words coming out hoarse. “Tracey did me a favor. I realized after that happened that I never wanted kids. Not even my own. They’re fun to be around, and I’m sure if I had siblings I’d make a great uncle, but fatherhood just isn’t for me. It’s too much of a burden to bear.”
Throat tight, I nod. “At least now you know.” It comes out as a croak.
Maybe what I mean is, at least now I know.
I should have told him about the baby when he asked me out for dinner that first time. Now the words stick to my throat, and all I can think is that I’m naked in the shower, exposed, vulnerable. I need to wrap myself in armor before I can tell him. I haven’t even told my family, for crying out loud.
So, instead of being responsible, telling him the truth, I just give him a stiff nod. “Well”—I suck in a sharp breath—“I’m sorry you went through that.”
Rudy opens the glass partition and a billow of steam exits the shower stall. He grabs a towel and hands it back to me. “What about you? Kids would hamper your travels around the world, no?”
I wrap it around my chest, feeling slightly more protected. Still, I force a wry grin. “Not much traveling happening these days.”
My world feels off-kilter, but what did I expect? I shouldn’t be dating anyone when I’m staring down the double barrel of cancer and a new baby.
I’ve always known I can’t pursue a relationship with Rudy. Now I know for sure.
I’ve been a fool, clinging to the first man who gives me attention. I’m going through the hardest time of my life, facing things that terrify me down to my marrow. Rudy rode in on his damn white horse, and every fiber of me wants to cling to him and let him save me.
How utterly pathetic.
Rudy is a good man, and he deserves a woman who won’t drag him down into the mud. He deserves a woman who can give him a childfree life. He deserves a future free of surgery and chemo and caring for someone he barely knows.
