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“Then you waltz in here and say you ‘don’t care about the baby.’ I don’t know about you, Rudy, but that’s not exactly a ringing endorsement for fatherhood.” I scoff, moving to cross my arms, then wince. Stupid operation. Stupid boob. Stupid cancer.
Stupid Rudy!
“That’s not what I meant, Lily. I just meant that I’ll be there for you. I was surprised, that’s all.”
“So?” I let out a bitter snort. “So what? You were surprised I’m pregnant. Great. So was I. I asked you for casual sex, Rudy. I didn’t ask you to be my kid’s stepfather.”
He bristles. “It was more than casual sex.”
“Fine. It was more. Then it ended. You can’t just stride in here like I’m going to fall at your feet and ask you to save me. I’m over it, Rudy. Over men thinking they need to pick me up and be by my side. I’m fine. I’ll be okay. I don’t need you. I just want to be left alone!” My little speech ends on a shrill note, and I know my face is red with emotion.
Rudy’s face goes utterly blank. He stands up straighter, taking a step back. His heel grinds into a shard of broken mug, but he doesn’t even glance down. He just holds my gaze as his throat works to swallow. Then his chin jerks down sharply. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have come here.”
I watch him turn on his heel and walk away, the cheery bells above the door ringing as if to mock me.
Candice and Fiona’s eyes bore into the side of my head, but all I do is lean forward and pick up my teacup. I sip at it primly, pretending it doesn’t taste cold and bitter after sitting on the table for so long. Swiveling my head, I meet the stares of my two girlfriends. “What.”
Fiona clears her throat and grabs the broom she’d leaned against the counter. “Well, you told him where you stand,” she says neutrally. “That’s for sure.”
Candice hums, still staring at me.
I turn my head and stare straight ahead, the last wisps of anger still burning through me.
Anger feels good, I realize. Sharp and astringent. I’ve spent the past couple of months drifting from crisis to crisis, feeling overwhelmed by everything the future holds.
But I made it through my surgery and yes, I’m still sore as hell, but I’m here. I drove myself down the block and sat myself in this chair and told not one but two men to leave me the hell alone. Which I sincerely hope they do.
Jen appears from the kitchen in the back of the café with a tray of fresh salted caramel brownies. She puts one on a plate and drops it in front of me, nodding without a word. Then Fiona starts sweeping, and Candice heads behind the till.
I eat every bit of that brownie, trying to forget that they’re Rudy’s favorite.
My chemotherapy is set to start four weeks from now. I have appointments with obstetricians and oncologists, and they all assure me that things are going well. I rest, eat, and even do some work. I go see Dr. Gardner twice a week, and she helps me center myself. My mother and sisters bring over so much baby stuff that my tiny apartment is overrun. The crib gets shoved between the wall and my bed, the rocking chair in the other corner of my cramped living room. There are diapers stacked all the way up to the ceiling in the corner of my bathroom.
Nora checks on me often, and even gets Fallon to cook dozens of meals for me, so my freezer is always stocked with home-cooked meals ready to be reheated. When I thank her, she just winks and tells me she used her super-special little-sister powers of persuasion to keep him coming back week after week, and I’m not complaining. The man can cook.
I’m lucky, I realize. And I’m nowhere near alone.
In those weeks, I don’t think of Phil—but I do think of Rudy. I see him driving around town, and I see his company’s real estate signs all over the place. I was rude to him. I know I was. He came over to tell me he’d stand by me and I pushed him away.
Again.
But I still feel like it was the right decision. The clarity I experienced after my mastectomy fades a bit, but I still feel more determined than ever. If I let Rudy sweep me away, I’m afraid I’ll lose myself. He promised me the world, but I’ve spent my whole life traveling and I’ve seen enough to know that I don’t need those kinds of promises. I need to know that my baby will be okay, that I’ll be okay.
I might not have a perfectly healthy body, but I’m going to be the most kick-ass mother this town has ever seen.
CHAPTER 37
Rudy
My life hasn’t changed. As the weeks pass, everything is the same as it was before Iliana came to town, so it shouldn’t bother me that she turned me down.
But it does.
I go to work, come home, work on my house, hang out with Lee, spend time with my grandmother, and it all just seems so fucking pointless.
Whenever I catch a glimpse of Lily, she’s with her sisters, her mother, and her friends, and I’m on the outside.
Autumn has already painted the leaves in red and gold when I run into Georgia Neves again. She looks as glamorous as ever, and she gives me a broad smile.
