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Then I remember what the hell I’m doing—who the hell it is that has his hands all over my stomach—and I stiffen. Rudy must feel it, because he reluctantly drops his hands and takes a step back. He rubs his neck and arches his brows at me. “I was worried when I saw you stop and grip the wall,” he tells me. “I thought something was wrong.”
Sniffling as I wipe tears from my cheeks and snot from my nose—sexy, I know—I shake my head at Rudy and try to compose myself. “It just surprised me, is all.”
“I’ve never felt that before,” he says, still slightly awed.
I snort-laugh. “Me neither. Except I just realized what I thought were chemo side effects might have been my baby all along.”
Rudy smiles that brilliant, earth-shattering smile of his, and all I want to do is fall into his arms. I rack my brain, trying to remember why it was that things didn’t work out between us. It was my fault, wasn’t it? He kissed me and I got angry. But now my thoughts are all jumbled and I can’t quite remember why.
“Can I walk you home?” Rudy asks.
My building is half a block away, so I shrug. “Sure. No margarita dates this afternoon?”
His lips twist. “Lily, that wasn’t what it looked like. We’re just friends.”
“I thought you were business associates.” My voice sounds bitter, and I mentally kick myself. Why am I being such a jerk? Why do I care? Why can’t I just be a gracious, elegant woman who floats along the street beside him and makes him realize everything he’s missing?
Instead, I’m a pregnant, frazzled mess who’s acting like a jealous girlfriend. As if. I’m the one who broke up with him.
We get to my apartment, and when I open the door, Rudy sniffs. He frowns, glancing at the lobby.
My cheeks burn. “It’s an old building. Smells musty, I know. You get used to it.”
“You should be staying somewhere better,” he says. “A house. Somewhere with room for you and the baby.”
“Yeah, well, when the House Fairy drops one off for me, I’ll move.”
I get lost in his eyes for a moment, loving the way his lips curl at my dumb joke. Without a word, he hands me the bag with my fancy moisturizer, and I hadn’t even realized I’d dropped it—or that he’d picked it up and carried it for me.
“Thanks,” I say sheepishly. “And I’m sorry for being so rude. You can have margarita dates with whoever you want.”
His lips quirk. “Glad I have your blessing.”
My stupid, traitorous cheeks start burning even more. “That’s not what I meant. I just… I’m…” I take a step into the lobby and grip the door like it’s a lifeline. “I’ll see you around.” Then I force myself to close the door and walk to the elevators without looking back.
We broke up because I’m going through the hardest time of my life, I remind myself. I remember now. Between cancer and surgery and chemo and childbirth, it’s too much for a fledgling relationship like ours. I have my family, and that’s enough.
It has to be.
CHAPTER 39
Rudy
For once, I appreciate that Heart’s Cove is a small town. Not only have I seen Lily at least once every week around town, but I’ve overheard my grandmother getting regular updates about her condition. I know her asshole of an ex hasn’t been back since that day at the coffee shop.
The baby is due in mid-January, and being at the beginning of December now, that means she’s about thirty-two or thirty-three weeks along. Not that I’m keeping track or anything. Ever since I felt the baby kick back in September, my mind just keeps track of these things without me having any control over it.
Lily finished all her courses of chemo and by all accounts, is doing okay. Of course she is—she’s strong.
The days have passed in a haze of work and renovations and petty distractions, but I still feel like a chasm has opened up inside me. Weeks go by in the blink of an eye, only punctuated by the moments I see Lily.
It’s pathetic, really. I should be over her by now, but there’s still an ache in my chest that I can’t seem to shake.
The only place I feel any kind of peace is my grandmother’s bookstore. Today, as a chill settles in the air outside, I inhale the scent of paper and ink and glue and wait for another day to pass me by. Maybe after Lily’s baby is born, I’ll be able to move on. When I know she’s safe and healthy.
I shelve a few new books we’ve received as Dorothy leans against the counter, chatting to my grandmother as if they’re the best of friends.
I’ve noticed a change in the two of them. They’ll say nasty things to each other, but there’s less venom behind the words. They’ll visit with each other and have perfectly civil conversations, when a few years ago there’d be projectiles flying whenever the two of them were in the same room.
