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She must do better than this. But Hespera help her, it was so much harder to go back to lying through her teeth, now that she had spent all these months living the truth.
“Forgive me,” Ben said, instead of debating as she had expected. “It is selfish of me to question your devotion to the Mother Goddess.”
She didn’t want to lie to him. This journey, however unwanted, was granting her one final word with the Tenebran world before her Gifting, and she wanted that word to be honest. This was her chance to say farewell to her few friends—and perhaps make amends with enemies, so she could go into her Gifting with a clear conscience.
She was committed to Hespera’s path. She knew she was worthy. But no matter how she tried to explain this to Ben, he would never understand.
So Cassia let him believe what made all of this easy for him. What kept him comfortable.
“I cannot marry Flavian,” Cassia said. “It does not befit my calling, and it is unfair for him to be tied to me.”
He started to walk again, his head bowed in thought. “You wish to take the path of a mage, then?”
There was a sliver of truth she could cling to. “Yes. Yes, Ben. My mother was not a handmaiden from a Temple of Hedon.”
His gaze snapped up. “What?”
“She was a powerful mage of Kyria.”
Benedict’s face flushed with outrage. “The king took a mage of Kyria for his concubine? He defiled a temple virgin? If I had not already disavowed him for his broken oaths to the lords of Tenebra, I would repudiate him for this.”
“He murdered her.”
Ben halted in his tracks.
Cassia had not intended to tell him. But it made her too angry for him to be more outraged over Thalia’s maidenhead than her life. “The king killed her and blamed it on an assassin. Solia was old enough to remember.”
Ben put his hand over hers where she still gripped his arm. “I am so sorry, Cassia.”
There. Finally. He spoke to her, not some vision of her that he imagined.
“I want to follow in her footsteps,” she explained. “Please try to understand. I know this isn’t what you hoped for, but it’s so important to me. To her memory.”
Ben’s face was grave. “As a Knight of Andragathos, I am perhaps one of the few who understands. It is difficult to walk a holy path outside of a temple, but the gods need warriors in the field. Or diplomats, in this case.”
She tried not to let her gaze drift to the nearby shrine of Hespera. The ancient stone basin was filled with rose petals and centuries of reverent bloodstains. Her Grace-father had crafted it. Her Queens had anointed it. Her Hesperines errant had worshiped here for ages.
Benedict’s sympathy would disappear if he realized Hespera was the Goddess who called to Cassia. He would see it as a betrayal of everything he believed in.
Her old life in Tenebra felt like weeds, tangling her up and trying to choke her.
She forced the words out. “Thank you for trying to understand.”
“You remain strong in your convictions, truer than I.” He gave her a sad smile. “It is wrong of me to want something different for you than Kyria has ordained. I see now that what I imagined for you and my lord cannot be.”
“You’ll help me convince him to end the betrothal?”
Ben nodded. “I will help him understand you must remain unwed in Kyria’s name.”
The lies wound tighter and tighter around her. But oh, how effective they were.
Lio almost wished Benedict’s amulet did ward off Hesperine hearing, for then he wouldn’t have to listen to Cassia playing along with the knight’s assumptions.
All of this was temporary, he reminded himself. The final dues they must pay to Tenebra. But for this price, it was not enough for Flavian to merely release her. Lio would have him acknowledge that her rightful place was at her Grace’s side.
Torturing himself eavesdropping would accomplish nothing. He needed to talk to Eudias.
Lio poured the mage a cup of wine from a flagon. “You can speak freely now.”
