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“Hi, you. You’re finally awake in there. How are you, baby girl? Daddy and I are so ready to meet you. Just… whenever you’re ready, pumpkin.”
The constant movement confirmed my daughter had heard every word.
“Daddy is taking us to dinner tonight. Mommy is so excited. Not only to fill our tummies, but to be having dinner with Daddy. I’ve missed him each time he walks out of the door lately. Every time feels like the last time and it’s killing me inside, not knowing when that feeling will be factual.”
Deeply saddened, I wiped the tear from my eye, but my smile never faded.
“I just wish we could grow old together without any worries or fears. But, life doesn’t work that way, pumpkin. It doesn’t. Mommy’s heart hurts knowing it. I just… I want us both here to watch you grow big and strong. The thought of—”
The soundof a tractor starting disrupted me. My eyelids parted and the world I’d seen behind my lids no longer existed. It was only me inside of my bathroom with a stomach much flatter than the one in the vision I’d just had.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I cleaned myself and flushed the toilet. Though I wasn’t easily bothered nowadays, I found myself a bit flustered with the unknown, starting with the name of the child I’d carried. For the first time, she’d appeared and I knew it had everything to do with Malachi and the question he’d asked yesterday.
Putting my troubles aside, I changed into a beautiful skirt that flowed the length of my legs, stopping right at my ankles, a pair of sandals I’d picked up in the city, and a button-down shirt I tied in a knot against my belly. A quick look in the mirror near my bed left me satisfied.
Though I only had plans to hang around the house and began getting the small room that was just at the end of the tiny home turned into a dream classroom for a first-year learner, looking the part felt absolutely necessary to feeling the part. After the night I’d had, I wanted to make sure I looked better so that I could feel better.
Cooking breakfast was first on my long list of things to-do, so the kitchen was my next stop. On the way, I unlocked my phone to find the playlist I’d created less than forty-eight hours ago. It was like a comforting hug that slightly suffocated you on any given day and that was exactly what I needed at the moment. Wrapped in slow sounds and meaningful lyrics that stuck with me long after the song had ended, that was where I wanted to be.
A text message on my home screen captured my attention. My mother’s number was among the things I remembered and would never forget. The sting of her betrayal was still fresh. So fresh, I had yet to save her as a contact and wondered if I would anytime soon. Our relationship was in such a weird space, making me feel indifferent about anything and everything that included her.
Nevertheless, curiosity didn’t allow me to leave the message unread. Opening it, I found a shared note that led me to click the link. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting but the long, never-ending page full of words stopped me in my tracks. I leaned against the counter and began reading each and every one of them.
To my only child, my golden child.
Your life was a gift to me the day I discovered my pregnancy. Thirty whole years later and it’s still a gift to me. Two years ago, I thought that gift had been snatched from me and I crumbled. I withered under the stress and the realization that I’d have to carry out the rest of my days watching my gift struggle to thrive as you were intended to. The thought of you not being able to perform simple tasks like washing your beautiful face, combing your beautiful hair, teaching your wonderful children, or going for a drink with your best friend, left me inconsolable. I cried myself to sleep each night and I had tears every morning for breakfast.
You are my life. You are the AEIR I breathe. Your name is special and not because it’s unique. It’s special because it’s the truth. My truth. Your father’s truth. You’re our reason. You’re our light. You’re our life. It doesn’t matter how old you are or how old you get, you’re our world. Our whole world. And, it came crashing down.
Aeir.Seeing you in the bed, unable to wake and showing little to no signs of life, I was deprived of that. Deprived of you. Every day, I felt like I was drowning, suffocating, and making you suffer in the process. I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like holding on was selfish of me, so I tried to let go. My emotions got in my way, clouded my vision and forced me to give up.
But there was this girl, one that I’ve loved since she came into your life, fighting and fighting hard for you, for us, for her. She understood it was pain that was driving my decisions and stepped in and stepped up for you. Jae was willing to fight me tooth and nail for your life, knowing you’d only get one and there was still so much of yours left to live. I’ll never stop thanking her for her tenacity and persistence. She is the epitome of sisterhood. And she was right.
I felt sick to my heart learning that you were moving to Berkeley but it felt just as good knowing that you were taking a leap. You’ve always been confined to Channing, and having you closer has always made me feel so much better. You didn’t have to admit to your move for your father and I to know that’s what was happening. We’re okay with your transition. We adore you for your bravery and we both think the city is a good fit for our girl. I’m praying it brings you all the happiness and joy because you deserve it.
I’m aware I’ve tarnished our relationship and it may never be the same. It’s something I have to live with. It’s a direct result of my actions and I’m just here to let you know you have every right to be upset with me. You have every right to cut communication. You have every right to tell me to go to hell.
But, I’m already there, Aeir. I’ve been there since the night of your accident. I just don’t want to be left there. So, if you can find it in your heart one day, I’m asking for your forgiveness. It doesn’t have to be today or next week. It doesn’t have to be anytime soon, but I’d like to breathe again. Whenever you’re ready, I need Aeir.
Mom.
The cheeks itched from the fresh tears that irritated them. Using a paper towel from the roll on the counter, I patted my skin dry. Every word of my mother’s note hit a bit harder, layering the heaviness our strain already plagued me with. Without sending a response, I closed the note and pushed play on the list I’d unlocked my phone in search of.
I had every intention of sharing my thoughts with my mother, but it wasn’t the time. It was much too early in the morning to be weighed down with the emotions a response would stir. I was looking forward to having a better day and going down that dark hole would just leave me in a space I didn’t want to be in.
Lauryn Hill lulled me to a much better place as she sang about finding peace of mind. I gathered the ingredients for the omelet I’d been craving, including the eggs I’d gotten from the chickens. There were enough in the fridge to last for a full week but my sudden greed for farm-fresh everything would devour them sooner.
A few dance moves and a few minutes later and I was staring down at a beautifully crafted omelet with chopped veggies and swiss cheese. I grabbed the brand new laptop I’d somehow managed to set up in my despair the previous night and sat down at the table in front of a cup of squeezed orange juice. Because I didn’t know the code to the wi-fi, I settled for the hotspot option on my phone to connect to the internet, again.
The cart I’d began filling with the prettiest pieces of gold jewelry was still on the screen. There were only three items, but I was determined to add an additional twelve to start my collection. Because I’d sampled the vendor months before my accident while sourcing for the brand that never came to fruition, I knew the quality of their product was immaculate and knew I wouldn’t be purchasing blindly when the time came.
I replayed Malachi’s words in my head, wondering if they still stood true. After our night, everything felt displaced. The only thing I was certain of at the moment was the fact that my stumbling upon Malachi wasn’t an accident. It was the universe’s way of showing us that fate and soulmates were real. Our reconnection was inevitable. It didn’t matter how much I tried to suppress it or he tried to deny me, our story had already been written.
One by one, I combed through the listings, adding only the most precious pieces to my cart. Two hours passed before I was finally happy with my selection. I’d succeeded in finding fifteen incredible pieces and managed to add an additional five. I loved each and every one of them too much to narrow my options any more.
I rubbed my fingers across the card with Malachi’s name on it. I missed him deeply. Closing my eyes, I tried summoning him in my head, waiting for him to appear behind my lids. And, when he did, my heart rejoiced.
I watched as he rocked a brand new, brown baby in his arms while smiling back at me.
