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He was very verbose for a vamp with an accent of a mafia wise guy—nice-looking in a pale vampy way, but rather mopey. I just hoped he didn’t start crying.
“I’m so sorry. That’s just awful, Dracula,” I told him from the roomy and comfortable backseat. While the conversation was out there, it did take my mind off of what I was about to do for a few minutes. “All this because you refused to vacuum?”
The vamp hung his head in shame. I was a little worried that we were about to drive right off of the George Washington Bridge, but pinched myself to keep from screaming in terror. The man was down and needed to talk. We’d both live even if the car took a dive into the Hudson River. However, it would look very suspicious to the human population if we walked away from something like that unscathed.
“Well, de lack of vacuumin’ and my three side pieces,” he admitted.
“Are we talking guns or women?”
“Broads,” he said. “A witch, a weretiger and a demon.”
“Oh my,” I said, shaking my head. Dracula Smith was a dumbass and clearly had a death wish. “You really shouldn’t put a flower in your asshole and call it a vase.”
“Didn’t understand a word of what youse just said.”
Of course, he didn’t. “What I meant is that lying will get you decapitated.”
“Interesting point,” he said, mulling the advice over. “So, youse are sayin’ I should tell all da side pieces about each other. Get it all out in the open?”
“Oh my God,” I choked out. “Not sure that’s in your best interest. How about you break it off with the side pieces then get down on your knees and beg the forgiveness of your true love? Lying can end in castration and loss of limb. The best policy is honesty. If you really love the… umm… the one who’s not a side piece then you need to put yourself out there and go for it.”
I was one to talk. Being an idiot in the love department didn’t make me the best man to dole out relationship advice, but the vampire’s conundrum was absurd. The answer was fairly obvious. I wished my own situation was as cut and dry.
Dracula Smith mulled that over for a few minutes as he navigated traffic. “Genius!” he bellowed. “Don’t know why I didn’t think of dat.”
I refrained from commenting. If one didn’t have something nice to say, one should keep their lips zipped. Vamps were notoriously violent. I wasn’t in the mood to have my ass kicked for being snarky.
“Sven said youse was a great guy,” Dracula said, smiling and showing a little fang. “Youse did me a solid, now I’m gonna do one for youse. Lay your problems on me, Johnson Jones, caftan designer to the stars!”
“Thank you, but that’s really not necessary,” I said, very sure I didn’t want to bare my soul to a bloodsucker who thought side pieces weren’t a bad plan.
“Oh, but it is,” he insisted. “Youse saved my junk. A gift like dat must be repaid.”
I closed my eyes and sighed. Insight came from the strangest places. Maybe, I was in a Mercedes with Dracula Smith for a reason that was more than just a ride to Abra Cadabra Matchmaking Services.
“I torpedo all my relationships,” I admitted. “I’m not even sure if I’m qualified to give you advice. It might be all wrong.” I sighed and stared out of the window. “I’m actually on my way to a matchmaking service. That’s how bad I am at finding a man.”
“Nothing wrong with needin’ a little help,” Dracula said. “World’s a crazy place, Johnson Jones. Youse are a good-looking wizard. Outfit’s a little iffy. Look at me, I’m de idiot who’s in danger of losing his pecker because I’m afraid to commit to a hot-as-hell vamp with enormous jugs.”
“Why?” I asked. Maybe Dracula Smith had the answer.
“Oh, day ain’t real,” he said, confusing me. “She got ’em done. Went from a C cup to a triple D. Dose melons are beauts!”
And maybe Dracula Smith didn’t have the answer…
“No,” I said, giving it the old college try. “Why are you afraid to commit?”
“Why are youse?” he countered.
I shrugged. “I have no idea.”
The vampire nodded his head as he looked back at me and almost mowed down a cyclist. This time I did scream. Dracula jerked the sedan to the left and avoided a shitload of jail time.
“Whoopsiedoodle,” he said with a chuckle. “Dat would have sucked. Anyhoo, if youse are afraid of commitment, my shrink told me it’s usually somethin’ to do with your past.”
Dracula Smith’s words seemed prophetic. However, I’d been alive a long time and couldn’t put my finger on anything specific. I’d have to bring this possibility up with Edna in our next session.
“We’re here,” he said.
