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“Umm… funny, kind, smart and easy on the eyes would be nice.”
She nodded and jotted it down. “Anything else?”
“Comfortable in his own skin. Monogamous. Sense of adventure. Honest.” I kind of blanched at that one since that was one of my issues. “I haven’t always been up front with dates in the past,” I admitted, embarrassed.
“Tell me what you mean?” Cha-Cha asked with no judgement in her tone.
I sighed dramatically and considered pulling one of the wine coolers out of my roomy pocket, but decided against it. I didn’t need Cha-Cha to jot down that I was a drunk. Helen had encouraged me to be honest. Honest I would be. “Whenever something is going well, I ruin it. I ghosted the last man I dated and I think he might have been the one.”
“Interesting.” She jotted down what I said. “Why do you think you do that?”
I shrugged. “I have no clue.”
She smiled and patted my hand. “Don’t worry your handsome head about it. When you meet the right man, you’ll know and make it work.”
I wanted to cry. I had met the right man and I’d already ruined it. However, there were more fish in the sea… I hoped.
“Tell me a few things your friends would say about you,” she suggested.
“I’m very loyal,” I told her. “I’m quite adept at laughing at myself and always have my friends’ backs in an emergency.”
“Examples?” Cha-Cha asked.
Dwayne’s comment immediately came to mind. I went with it. “When my buddies and I were playing ding-dong ditch with the local whack-a-doo witch coven and got busted, I stepped in front of Dwayne and took a bolt of lightning for him.”
Cha-Cha cackled. “Impressive. Which coven?”
“New Jersey.”
She threw her coiffed head back and laughed so hard, I started to giggle. “Those witches are bitches. Next time you ring and run, I’m in!”
I loved her.
“May I ask a few questions?” I inquired.
“Of course,” she told me. “We’re an open book here at Abra Cadabra Matchmaking Services.”
“Is this a purely gay dating service?”
She shook her head. “Nope. We’ve matched gay, lesbian and heterosexual couples. Voila does not discriminate against anyone and neither do I.”
Voila sounded like an excellent person. Cha-Cha was a given already.
“What about you?” I asked, eager to learn more about the amazing gal.
She smiled. “Well, I’ve been with Voila’s daddy, Merlin, for six centuries. The man is a pain in my ass and I wouldn’t trade him for all the riches in the world. Scrapbooking is my passion and I’m wild about action films. I have two handsome boys, Voila and Kiefer. Now, Voila isn’t my oldest boy’s real name, it’s an alias!”
I was curious as to Voila’s real moniker, but didn’t ask. If he wanted his privacy, that was fine by me.
“I say we get back to what’s making you torpedo your relationships,” Cha-Cha suggested.
“I’ve been in therapy for years,” I told her.
“Hmmm,” she said, tapping the pile of papers with the tip of her pen. “Tell me about your momma.”
I gulped. That wasn’t a subject I enjoyed talking about. “Let’s just say she doesn’t accept me for me and leave it at that.” It was an understatement, but it was as deep as I wanted to go.
“She has a problem with you being queer?” Cha-Cha demanded, getting red in the face.
