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And none of that can happen until the girl with lavender hair and gray eyes comes home safely.
22
LENNON
Xav thinks he’s cracked me, but I’ve retreated so far inside, I can only hope he won’t find me. They’re planning something, but I don’t understand what they mean by buyers. How can you sell someone who isn’t for sale? What do they want?
My silver-blonde hair lays in curls all around me, and I’m so glad there aren’t any mirrors around. Nurse Ratched came in hours earlier, yanked me up onto my feet, and forced me to shower. I studiously ignored the mirrors, and if she thought I was odd, she didn't say otherwise. Barking out a laugh without amusement, I shake my head.
Look at me, worried about looking crazy while in a mental institution.I haven’t seen my mother in my head in over a week, but something worse would be looking into a mirror and her reflection shining back at me.
This would mean I deserve to be here, history is repeating itself, and I’m truly lost. Staring at the wall, I wish for things I can’t have for just a moment. Roark, Turner, and Derek… kids… figuring out what’s so special about the man with the beautiful green eyes who kept me from ending everything.
A rare surge of anger fills my veins, and I wish he had been a little slower. If he had been, then I wouldn’t have had to withstand Collymore and Nurse Ratched stripping me of the straightjacket and my clothes while Xav took photos of me. I wouldn’t have had to endure Colly flipping me and spitting in my asshole before pushing his fingers inside of me just to show he could while Xav chuckled.
“You can have your fun later,” he promised. “I have to get these to some very important people.”
And just like that… it all snaps into place. I lived in a haze as it all happened, even as I screamed and pushed them away. But now that I remember it all, let myself feel everything, I remember the flashes of how often they called me pretty, talked about breaking me for people, and Xav told people not to fuck me.
Because I was promised to someone else.
Starting to hyperventilate, I stare up at the white ceiling, asking God just to kill me. I have never been one for prayer, but I don’t want to live through what’s going to happen. Xav is salacious for money, he has big things in the works, and cash makes the world go round.
Apparently so do beautifully broken, blonde rockstars. And that’s what I am now, especially when Xav finally gets what he’s been working for while he’s had me. Sitting here on this cold, hard floor, I wonder if these men will care about the various healing knife marks and bruises all over my body. My skin is indented slightly from the constant press of the straightjacket. Will these men care? They’ve all made a concentrated effort to keep their hands to themselves outside of asphyxiation the last few days as they tell me what a worthless slut I am.
A few broken capillaries in my eyes aren’t going to be noticed, I guess. I can’t be mad at the green eyed man whose name I don’t know. I can’t remember if Xav ever said it while I was awake, but right now it escapes me.
Heart beating faster, all I remember is the feeling of the plastic hood as it covered my face over and over the last two days. The endless questions, without being given the ability to speak to answer.
It’s because your words don’t matter to them. Only your submission.
That’s a feeling that never gets old… having the breath taken from you. It’s a reminder that you don’t deserve anything, not even the air you breathe. Shuddering, I whisper, “Stop.”
Stop freaking out.
Stop overthinking your trauma.
Figure out how you’ll survive the next moment.
Because you either will… or you’ll let them win.
Forcing myself to take a breath, I remind myself I’m in my cell and not my room. As long as I’m here alone, this is my space, I have to control my thoughts. While I can.
I know nothing is as it seems. The beautiful stranger told me this, and I believe him. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m still crazy though. Who sees their dead mother? Who else believes they’re going to be rescued?
I may as well let go of the fantasy that anyone is coming.
I’m either going to die here, or I’ll have to get myself out.
The door opening makes me shiver. Nurse Ratched walks in with Colly and my eyes widen. I can’t hope to guess what’ll happen next, because nothing is ever what it seems to be here.
“Colly, grab her face while I make her take these. It’ll make her more compliant,” she says. Forcing a smile, she approaches me as if she would a skittish animal. “You’re going to be a good girl and open wide for me, aren’t you? Trust me, sweetie, this will make everything feel better.”
Pouncing on me, she takes me to the ground as I scream. Nurse Ratched has a shit bedside manner. As if I would trust anything she told me. Lifting my head, she bangs it hard on the floor, causing me to see stars. As I whimper, Colly forces my mouth open so she can force two pills down. I’m not much of a danger trussed up in my straightjacket, so I don’t understand the need for force.
Smiling cruelly at me, Nurse Ratched closes my mouth and pinches my nostrils to get me to swallow. Struggling, I buck and writhe as I scream, until all I can do is swallow the pills. Being unable to breathe will never get old here apparently.
As I heave in huge breaths once she releases me, Nurse Ratched runs her finger through my curls, fixing them as I glare.
