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Her head was spinning, and old familiar shapes were turning around and upside down to form a new picture.
‘You love him, don’t you?’ she said slowly. And as she spoke the words out loud it was like watching a film that seemed unfamiliar and then realising halfway through that you had seen it before and already knew the ending. ‘You love Alistair—not just as a friend, I mean.’
There was a short silence, and then her mother nodded slowly, her eyes filling with tears. ‘I’m so sorry, Dove. I should never have married your father. I knew it was a mistake almost immediately. We both did. But I was young and thoughtless and vain, and I didn’t know the difference then between love and being in love. By the time I did it was too late. I know you must be shocked and angry and hurt and disappointed, and you have every right to be all of those things.’
Maybe she was a very strange person, Dove thought, searching inside herself, because she didn’t feel any of those things. But maybe that was because Alistair was such a big part of their lives anyway. He was always there—helping, encouraging, listening...
‘I’m not angry, Mum.’ Reaching out, she took Olivia’s hands. ‘I suppose I’m confused. I don’t understand why you and Dad stayed married.’
Her mother sighed. ‘It’s complicated.’
It was an echo of another conversation...with Gabriel. ‘So simplify it, then,’ she said softly. ‘If you could sum up your reasons in three words, what would they be?’
There was a short silence. Olivia’s face was strained and sad. ‘I don’t need three words,’ she said, then hesitated, as if considering what she was about to say. ‘I can do it in one,’ she said finally. ‘Blackmail.’
Dove stared at her mother.Nowshe was in shock. Around her, the walls of the waiting room seemed to be swaying.
‘I don’t... I don’t understand.’
‘Your father always needed money. My inheritance gave us a generous allowance, but he always needed more—only it was all tied up in a watertight trust for you and your sisters. Perhaps if he had joined his family’s firm he would have known that,’ Olivia said, and there was an exhaustion in her voice that cut through Dove’s shock.
‘So he found out about you and Alistair and blackmailed you?’ Dove felt as if she was feeling her way in the dark, hands outstretched, each tentative step offering different, unknown choices. ‘What did you do? Did you borrow money?’
Her mother was shaking her head. ‘He did know about Alistair, but Oscar had multiple affairs, so he couldn’t use that. He found out something else.’ She bit her lip. ‘Guessed, really. But it was enough.’ She sounded very, very tired.
‘What was enough?’ Asking the question made Dove’s back prickle. ‘What did he guess?’
Olivia took a breath. Her shoulders were braced, as if for the impact of what she was about to say. ‘That you weren’t his daughter. That Alistair was your father.’
Later, Dove would wonder if she had always known. Now, though, she was just trying to pull her head together.
‘Does Alistair know?’ she asked.
Olivia nodded slowly, her eyes bright. ‘I told him. And I told Oscar I was going to leave him.’
‘But you didn’t?’
Now she shook her head. ‘Oscar went to see Alistair and threatened him. He said that he would go to court, make everything public and drag it out for as long as possible. Alistair was devastated. He felt so guilty—we both did—and he loved you girls.’ Her face softened. ‘Especially you.’
Dove swallowed past the lump in her throat. She could almost feel Alistair’s love for her, vibrating in her mother’s voice.
‘So what happened?’
There was a brief silence, and she watched as her mother returned reluctantly to her story.
‘Alistair told me that he didn’t want to break up our marriage. And he agreed to subsidise Oscar’s lifestyle. I only found that out after Oscar died that he left a mountain of debt that Alistair’s been trying to clear for years. He’s had to re-mortgage his house...the offices.’ Her lip trembled ‘I’m so sorry, Dove. None of this was meant to happen. One thing just led to another, and I was selfish and weak. I’m not expecting you to forgive me, because I don’t deserve it—’
‘There’s nothing to forgive. We can’t choose who we love.’ Dove felt her heart contract. She was thinking not about Alistair, but Gabriel. She squeezed her mother’s hands. ‘Why now? Why did you decide to tell me all of this now?’
Olivia looked down at their hands. ‘We’ve spent so much time not being the couple we could have been...the family we wanted to be. Seeing Alistair lying there, with all those tubes and wires, it felt like a sign for me to be brave. To stop living a half-life. Because life is shorter than you think. But it’s also wonderful, too. Or it can be, if you let it.’
She was crying, and Dove was too, and suddenly they were clinging to one another.
Finally her mother let go of her. ‘I know he wasn’t a good person, but please don’t think too harshly of Oscar. I don’t think he knew how to love...but he did try. Strangely enough, he tried the hardest with you.’
They hugged again, for a long time. The clock ticked steadily above Dove’s head, but she didn’t hear it. She couldn’t see the hands moving. All she could see was Gabriel’s face...the curve of his jaw as he told the pilot to turn the plane around and the softness in his blue eyes as he pulled her into his arms.
She had thought it was too late for them, but her mother and Alistair had shown her that wasn’t true.
