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With a sigh, I turned my attention to the weights. At least when it came to them, I knew what to do.
Chapter nineteen
ALISON
Threeweekslater,Iwas forced to acknowledge that guilt might not have anything to do with the fact that I was always feeling sick.
I’d spoken to Dad, and we had more or less settled things between us. He still didn’t love the fact that I’d turned in the evidence I had found, but he had to admit that he wouldn’t be able to claim the nobility of the SEALs that he liked to hang his hat on if he had been willing to sweep corruption under the rug.
“I have to hand it to you, I guess,” he told me one night. I’d come over to his house to watch old sci-fi movies on TV, and we were snacking on bowls of popcorn, though I hadn’t touched mine due to my constantly churning stomach. “I don’t know if I could have done what you did.”
“You could have,” I told him, stirring my soda with my straw. “If someone was stealing money from the SEALs? You would have acted. You know you would have. I don’t know why you think otherwise.”
“Well, maybe so,” he said. “I guess I never thought about it happening at all because it just didn’t seem like a possibility that someone could do that to the SEALs. I thought we were all above this.”
“Youare,” I told him. “But not all SEALs are as morally upstanding as you are.”
I was thinking about Brian, of course. How could I not?
By now, I had hoped that he would no longer be on my mind, but that had not happened at all. As the days went on, I found myself thinking about him more than ever, and I hated it. I hated how his face appeared in my thoughts whenever I closed my eyes. I despised the habit my mind had developed of conjuring up images and sensations of his body on mine in my dreams. In my subconscious, we’d fucked a dozen times by now, and I felt as if I was walking around in a state of permanent arousal, the way I had when I was seventeen years old. If he were to walk into this room right now, I’d probably jump on him and start humping him, even though my father was right here, even though I fucking hated him so much.
Dad switched off the TV.
“What?” I asked. “The movie’s at the best part.”
“Are we going to talk about what’s going on with you?”
“Nothing’s going on with me.”
“You hardly eat, Allie.”
I sighed. “I’m just feeling weird about making that report. It was such a conflict of interest for me.”
“You’re not upset about that anymore,” Dad countered. “I know you aren’t.”
“What do you mean? I’m very upset about it.”
“Okay, maybe you are, but you also know that you did the right thing. You’ve defended it to me a dozen times, Allie. I should never have made you do that—but it’s obvious that you know you were in the right. I don’t understand why you’re still so worked up. You’ve never lacked conviction. Did something happen during that investigation?”
Oh, something happened, all right.“I’m just not feeling very well,” I told him.
“Maybe you should stay here tonight,” Dad suggested. “Let me make you some soup and take care of you.” He reached over and laid a hand on my forehead. “You don’t have a fever… but you look pale.”
“That would be nice, actually,” I admitted.
“Do you have what you need? Or do you need to run home and pick up some things?”
“I should get something to wear to work tomorrow,” I said.
“You do that. I’ll make up your old bed, and when you get back, you and I can pajama down and finish this movie. I’ll even make some of my famous chicken soup; how does that sound?”
I had to smile. “That sounds awesome, Dad.” I had to admit that having him fuss over me made me feel a bit better. No matter what had happened with my investigation, he still loved me. It couldn’t change the way he felt about me.
If only I could have said the same about Brian.
Back at home, I packed some of my things up quickly. My outfit for tomorrow was already laid out, so it was just a matter of folding it neatly so it wouldn’t wrinkle. I picked my most comfortable pajamas and grabbed my favorite pillow—my dad had taken to using down pillows that offered no support at all, and I always woke up with my neck hurting when I tried to sleep on one of them.
In the bathroom, I stuffed a few toiletries in my travel bag. I wasn’t going to need much—basic makeup for tomorrow and my skincare routine.
