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“Of course, there isn’t.” I held out my hands like I was trying to soothe a spooked horse.
Harrison paced back and forth in front of the couch and abruptly stopped to face me. “You’ve never been through something like this. Your father didn’t want you, remember?”
Your father didn’t want you. I flinched at his harsh words. I licked my lips before I said carefully, “You’re just lashing out. You don’t mean that.”
Harrison ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know what I mean anymore. I’m just—I can’t handle the not knowing. Will she let me see Wren again? Did I screw everything up by filing? Should I have left it alone?”
I wasn’t sure what to say or how to answer him. And I was still stuck on his hurtful but true words. My father hadn’t wanted me. No one ever would. I was a nuisance. I wasn’t helping him. I was hindering him. Before I could fall into that negative spiral, one my mom would have encouraged me to go on, I pulled myself together, lifted the tattered pieces of my pride, and straightened my spine.
I wanted to support Harrison, but I needed space too. Maybe it would be good for me to take some time away. Go back to my apartment. “I should go.”
His forehead wrinkled. “Why?”
“I want to be here for you, but you won’t let me. You’ve been distant for weeks.” At night, he slipped into bed late, waking my body up with his mouth and his hands. It was the only thing nurturing our connection. Especially after what he’d just said. He knew it would cut me to the quick, but then, had he been thinking at all? Or did he want to push me away?
“That’s what a relationship is. Being there for the ups and the downs.”
“Is that what we have? A relationship? It started out as a fake, remember? Is it real now? I don’t know what to think, and frankly, it’s driving me crazy.” It felt good to say my worries out loud.
Harrison’s face screwed up in disgust. “You’re going to leave at the first sign of trouble, just like your dad. I should have known you wouldn’t stick around. You’re just like him.”
No one had ever accused me of that before, but then, I’d never let anyone in like I had Harrison. And it hurt like a knife to my heart. I couldn’t draw in a breath through the stabbing pain. When I could finally speak, I said quietly, “I’m nothing like him.”
But I wasn’t so sure.
Harrison shook his head. “Keep telling yourself that while you walk away.”
I looked over his shoulder, not really seeing anything. “I don’t know why my father left.”
“Maybe you should find out.”
“Maybe I should.” Logically, I knew Harrison’s words had nothing to do with me, but fuck, did it hurt. Harrison never let things get to him like this, but Lola had taken Wren on his weekend. He was scared. Hurt. Afraid he’d never see Wren again. I understand why he was lashing out, but why did it have to be at me, and why wasn’t he retracting his words? Apologizing for the hurt he’d caused?
It was hard to separate his words from the pain behind them.
Harrison pointed at the door. “Just leave.”
I wasn’t sure what to do. I was torn between my instinct and his criticism. I didn’t want to be my dad, and I didn’t think I was, but a small part of me worried I was.
“If that’s what you want.” For the first time, my eyes stung with unshed tears.
His palm came to his chest. “It’s not what I want. It’s what you said you were going to do.”
I stood, feeling unsteady on my feet. “I want to let you know I’m not leaving for good. I just think we both need a bit of space. Maybe it will give both of us perspective on the situation.” I was hoping to bring some logic to the situation.
“Lola took Wren.” Harrison let his words hang in the air for a few seconds before he added softer, “I don’t know if she’ll ever give her back.”
My throat tightened. “We don’t know that.”
He gripped the back of his neck, his gaze on the floor. “I screwed up. I asked for too much.”
“You asked for what Wren wanted. You fought for her. You did the right thing.”
Harrison sank onto the couch, dropping his head into his hands. “It sure doesn’t feel like it.”
I didn’t know what to do because Harrison was always the one to pull me out of funks, never the other way around. He always looked at the bright side.
“It will be okay.”
