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Several high-pitched screams followed, and I jumped up from the bed, my dick flopping in the wind as I hauled ass to the bathroom to make sure she was okay.
I found her sitting on the toilet, tears in her eyes, peeing and grimacing at the same time. “Oh my God! It hurts, Thatcher! It burns so bad right now!”
Ah fuck, this wasn’t good.
Not only was my wife’s normally beautiful pussy having some kind of serious reaction to getting what was apparently called vajazzled, but it was so fucking bad, she could hardly manage to take a piss.
I did my best to help her relax, kneeling in front of her while she grimaced on the toilet and placing my hands gently on her thighs. “It’s going to be okay, honey. I’ll make sure of it.”
Tears filled her eyes. “It hurts so bad.”
Fuck. I hated to see my Cassie in pain.
Finally done peeing, she stood up off the toilet, and that’s when I started to getreallyfucking worried.
The whole seat was covered in blue now.
“Oh, my fluffing shit!” she screamed. “Everything I touch is turning blue! Has Willy fucking Wonka been here with his candy or something?”
I tried to make sense of it all by racking my brain for rational causes. Denim staining her skin was out because she hadn’t worn any jeans, so what—
“Thatcher! Do you see this?” Cassie continued to screech, freaking the fuck out enough that it interrupted my thoughts. “I am turning blue! Everything is blue! Oh my God, do you think the baby is okay?”
Fuuuck.Why hadn’t I considered that this was spreading to the fruit of my loins?
“Oh, what the fluff? You think our kid is blue too?”
“I don’t know!” she shouted and started to pace in the bathroom. “Do I look like a woman who knows what the fuck is going on?”
“What in the fuck is happening?” I asked, and my heart was pounding like a goddamn kickdrum inside my chest. “Your pussy is all fluffed up and your skin is blue and what if our kid is blue too? I mean, Cass, we’re going to have to call that fluffing Blue Man Group now! It’ll be the only goddamn job he can get if he comes out looking like a fucking Smurf!”
“Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. It probably won’t even still be on Broadway by the time he’s old enough to cogitate,” she muttered, still pacing. “I think I might’ve done this! I think I just ruined our baby because I had to be selfish and get my stupid beaver vajazzled! I’m the worst mom—ever!”
Fuck.My woman had a fist of steel, but I’d never taken a harder punch to the nuts than hearing the love of my life say those words and mean them. Cassie wasn’t going to be a bad mom. She couldn’t be even if she tried. She had energy and spirit and so much fucking love to give. I needed to man the fuck up and calm her down enough so that she could understand all of that for herself.
“Cass, honey, this isn’t your fault.”
“Don’t be stupid, Thatcher!” she responded, and a sob got stuck in her throat. “This is all my fault! And to think, today, I was going to take you back to the salon to get the Supercock cock-jazzled! It’s like I’m trying to destroy us all!”
“Cock-jazzled?” I probed, momentarily pulled up short from my mission. “Is that even a thing?”
“Do you really think that’s what’s important right now, Thatcher?” she tossed back, and I knew she was right.
We had far more important things to concern ourselves with than the merits of cock-jazzling. I mean, I still didn’t know if that was even possible—like, it didn’t actually sound like a real thing—but it was the least of our concerns.
I needed to get my wife to a fucking doctor, and I needed to do it quick.
“Cass,” I said and stepped toward her to gently place my hands on her shoulders to stop her manic momentum. “I need you to take a breath, try to calm down, and get yourself dressed.”
She just stared at me, equal parts shocked and baffled. “Get dressed?”
“Yes, get dressed,” I repeated. “I need to get you to a doctor.”
“You think I need to see a doctor?” she questioned, her bottom lip trembling.
There was no sugarcoating this. No trying to appease her emotions to prevent a total breakdown. The only thing I could do was give her the straight truth.
“Honey, we need to go to the ER, and we need to go right now.”
