Page 63 of I Will Find You


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Agony ripples across his face as he staggers back, Malcolm next to him, a gun at his head.

"No!" I shout to Malcolm, my palm flat as I stand and walk toward him. "He has never touched me. Not once. You will not kill him."

Malcolm lets out a shaky breath. "I don't want to do this, Jason."

"It's okay, son."

"Son?" I gasp, looking closely at the two of them, tears in Malcolm's eyes. Oh, my Goddess, what have I done?

"I won't do it, Dad," Malcolm hisses. "She's not worth it." He holsters the gun.

"You're right. I'm not," I hiss, shocking them both. "Listen. I am following The Manual perfectly, as instructed. So are you. I cannot help myself for these thoughts and feelings." The lie feels like paste in my mouth.

Jason will not look at me. Only Malcolm.

"I want Jason sent away. Not killed. I want to see him once a week, in person, so I know he is not being killed. Tell The Mother that if Jason is eliminated, I will self-eliminate.”

Both men gasp. It’s a sound of relief and horror combined.

“NO!” Jason thunders. “I won’t have it!”

The knock on the door is so sudden, two sharp raps like gunshots, that Malcolm reaches swiftly for his weapon, his hand on his waist before I can start to inhale.

“Who the fuck is that?” he snaps at me, as if I know.

And I do. It must be Cam. He is here to save me.

“Malcolm,” Jason says in a dead voice. “Don’t.”

“Then they have to keep you alive, but off my detail.” I look at Malcolm. “I want you to stay.”

Of the two, Malcolm is less experienced, more shaken, and now - now he is in my debt.

I have power over him.

I’ve always had power over him, of course, but this is different.

I need him.

Need him so Cam can come in.

So Cam can rescue me.

So Cam can --

* * *

The shock of my own breath, cold like an ice spear, makes me hitch and moan, the dream so visceral, so real.

“I wouldn’t,” I whisper, pulling my pillow to my mouth so I can let out a muffled scream.

What an utterly depraved nightmare. I would never pretend to lust after Jason, of all people! How sick am I?

I deserve to be lashed.

Lashed for my confused, traitorous state.

Nothing is helping.

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