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“That’s not what I mean,” he says. “Of course I want you to be happy again. I guess, I feel like you’re forgetting about Sara. The idea of you being with someone else makes me feel like you’re replacing her.”
“You’re fucked in the head if you think for even a second that I could forget Sara,” I tell him. “Even now, three years later, she consumes my every thought. I could never replace her, but I need to make room in my life for something more. She’s a ghost, man. I’ve gotta stop hoping that one day she’ll come back to me. It’s never going to happen.”
Tom lets out a heavy sigh and lifts his beer to his lips, taking a long drink before putting the empty bottle on the coffee table. “It’s just . . . it’s hard watching you with someone else. I guess it’s just going to take a little adjustment on my part.”
I nod, getting where he’s coming from. “Is that why you were giving Gigi dirty looks all day?” I ask.
“Yeah,” he sighs, looking a little embarrassed.
“For fuck’s sake,” I grin, shaking my head at my best friend. “I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been struggling with it all day. The thought of being with someone else is terrifying. It feels like I’m betraying Sara in some way, even though I know she’d want me to try.”
Tom nods and gives me a tight smile. “She would want that, wouldn’t she?”
“Yeah, but it doesn’t matter anyway. I don’t think it’s going to be happening anytime soon. I’m pretty sure I’ve already fucked things up with Gigi.”
His brows furrow, looking at me in concern. “What do you mean?”
I let out a sigh, and give him the truth, realizing that after twelve years of only ever being with one woman, I have no fucking idea what to do when it comes to dating. “Well, she made it clear that she was interested, and I basically freaked out and shut it down.”
“How so?”
“When I took her riding, we went down to the creek and were talking. Then one thing led to another and I was gonna kiss her. But she was looking up at me with those big eyes, just daring me to do it, and I fucking bailed. I left her hanging and came up with some bullshit about needing to get back to Georgie. I could tell she was confused. She didn’t really say much after that and then I came back from my ride with you guys and she was gone.”
“Dude,” he laughs. “You used to have so much game in high school. What the fuck happened to you?”
I give him a hard stare. We both know exactly what happened to me.
“Shut up,” I mutter. “This shit is hard. I’m not some fucking manwhore like you and my brothers. I don’t have years of practice hitting on women. I fell in love with the first girl I dated.”
“I know, man,” he says, his lips pulling into an amused smirk. “Look, I’ll get the boys together and we could give you some pointers,” he suggests. “I know they’re a little rusty now they’re locked down and all, but I’m sure they’ll be able to offer something worthwhile.”
Fucking hell. I could only imagine the type of shit they would come up with. Not to mention, I’d never be able to live down asking my brothers for help in that way. “I’ll pass.”
“So, why didn’t you kiss her?” Tom asks, getting up and grabbing us another round of beers. “Were you thinking about Sara?”
I cringe, not wanting to admit to it, but knowing he’ll only keep pestering me until I do. “Yes and no,” I tell him. “At first it was Sara holding me back until I remembered that she’s gone and there’s no reason for me not to try. So I was all for it . . . until I realized that apart from Sara, I haven’t kissed another woman since I was sixteen . . . and I kind of panicked.”
Tom falls into a fit of laughter, barely able to hand me my beer. “Fuck, that’s hilarious,” he says, dropping down on the couch as my gaze shoots over to the baby monitor, hoping his booming laughter doesn’t wake Georgie. I’m just about to start laughing with him, trying to find the amusement in it, when his next comments have my teeth grinding together. “Dude, you got to find yourself a pair of balls and man the fuck up.”
The fuck?
“Look who’s talking, dickhead.”
“Whatever,” he scoffs. “I have no issues getting laid.”
“Exactly, it’s about time you manned up and created a life with one of them,” I tell him. “Look at you. You’re fucking thirty and stuck in the same old routine, letting life pass you by. This whole playboy thing is just a ruse because you’re terrified of commitment, same shit as Carter three years ago, and look how happy he is now.”
