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He holds the door open for me, letting me walk in ahead of him, and it’s just weird.
Wrong, actually.
To go even further, he doesn’t pounce on me the second the door closes. Instead, he uses the light coming in from the gauzy curtain to guide him to the lamp on the bedside table. When he clicks it on, it casts the room in a soft orange light.
“We need to talk,” he says. “I didn’t want to do this shit tonight, but we have to lay it all out.”
“I’m pregnant,” I blurt.
He freezes, his eyes dipping to where my hands are clasped in front of my stomach before drawing back up to mine.
“What?” he asks, as if he somehow heard me wrong.
“I did it on purpose. I mean, I couldn’t predict that you’d fuck me without a condom again, but you did, and yeah.”
He takes a step forward. “Do you realize what you’ve fucking done?”
He seems to be vibrating with energy, but as much as I want this man, I still don’t know him well enough to predict which mood I’m going to get.
“I was going to give you a fucking option, Alani. Even with all of that you’re mine shit in the truck, I was going to walk away if that’s what you wanted.”
“It’s probably best,” I say, my throat working on a swallow.
He shakes his head. “I would’ve struggled with it, but I would’ve done my best to give you what you wanted.”
I chew on the corner of my bottom lip, backing up when he inches forward.
He lunges, his hand somehow reaching out and softening the blow to the back of my head when I smack into the door.
“A fucking baby,” he whispers, his breath warm on my lips. “That changes everything.”
“For me,” I offer. “It doesn’t have to change anything for you.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, baby. I had that chance before, and it was literally ripped out of my fucking hands.”
My eyes close, the threat of tears more real now than it was before. I knew there was someone else before me. Sometimes I felt like he was punishing me because I wasn’t her, or at a minimum, he was upset that I didn’t meet his expectations the way she would’ve.
Before this exact moment in time, I wanted to know everything. But as I’m facing it, I realize I was wrong. I don’t want to hear his confessions of lost love. I don’t want him comparing me to her, knowing I’m only going to come up short in his eyes.
“My life before this one was dangerous,” he says, his lips moving against the soft skin on my neck. “I was just a boy, barely eighteen. I thought my love could protect her, but I was wrong. She died because of it. The baby we created died because of it. I was a changed man after that. I couldn’t let a single fucking thing inside of me, not even the love for my mother or my sister. The pain of losing her ate me from the inside out and left nothing behind. It had to be that way. I wouldn’t have survived it. Most days, I don’t know why I even bothered trying to live. Maybe it was my way of punishing myself. Staying alive was harder than dying.”
“I don’t—” He presses his lips to mine, but it really isn’t a kiss, more of just enough pressure to shut me up.
“I’m five seconds away from fucking you, Alani. Let me get this shit out because I don’t know if I’ll be able to talk about it again.”
I nod, tears trailing down my cheeks.
“I had a guy in the organization I was a part of help me fake my own death. He was with me when we wrecked. The plan was to crash the car and then set it on fire, but I knew I couldn’t leave a witness. I shot him in the car, expecting him to just fucking die, but he had other plans, and made me wreck worse than planned. The gas we already bought caught fire, and it fucked me up pretty badly. My skin was melted by the time I crawled out of the car. I didn’t know if it was going to work. All I knew was I had to get away. I do vigilante shit for money now because as evil as the men I was connected to were, they started something inside of me I have to feed on a regular basis. I’m basically a gun for hire, a mercenary of sorts, and there aren’t many rules or laws I don’t break regularly.”
He pulls back a few inches, his eyes searching mine. I know everything he’s telling me should freak me out. I’m having a baby after all. I should put the child first and walk away, but I know he won’t let me.
