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“Excellent.” She grins asBohemian Rhapsodyends. “Want to duet some Aerosmith with me?”
“Yeah, but onlyDude Looks Like a Lady. I need something fast.”
“That’s two of us.”
I didn’t know why I wanted to come out with Trish, but now I know. I needed to get out of my thoughts. I needed to hear someone who wasn’t invested in my relationship, someone who could see the forest instead of just the trees.
She’s right. It’s time for me to publish this book. I’ll figure out what to do about Phillip, but regardless, I can’t work under him.
Plus, if Trish and Phillip are right, I may not even need a job for much longer…
Fifty-Two
PHILLIP
The city splaysout below me in a myriad of colors. Oranges, reds, and golds shine off the steel and glass in the sunset as I sit in my office. Just like that day at the Brooklyn Bridge Park.
I don’t have a reason to be here. All my work is done, but I don’t want to go home. I don’t want to see the emptiness where there was life only three days ago. A Styrofoam takeout container instead of a home cooked meal. Silence instead of laughter.
I don’t want to accept that my life is exactly the same as it was before I met Addison. I don’t want to be forced to see that nothing has changed.
The pen in my fingers moves, a twirling motion that I’d seen Addison do so many times while she was working on her book in my office. It rolls over my fingers awkwardly and then falls. The clink of the metal against the marble tile is the only sound in the room, and even that tiny sound seems to echo in the silence, but then it’s gone.
“Is this what Father felt like when Mother died?” I whisper to no one. He had children, but other than me, he’d never spent any time with them.
How did I push her away? Did I really think that me being right was more important than her feelings? Even if Loughton House crumbled, is pushing Addison away worth saving it?
And is pushing her away any different from walking away? I promised her I’d never do that. I’d never walk away.
It’s like I’ve been transported to the one night in my life I saw my father drink. The night my mother died.
He sat in his chair and stared at the wall as he drank glass after glass of Scotch. Nothing else mattered to him. Just that wall and the Scotch. I’d put my brothers to bed and read them a story. I’d been the adult that night even though I was only eight.
Then again, I’d been an adult since I could walk in my brothers’ eyes.
When I went back into the dining room and sat down next to my father like I did so often, I didn’t say anything. The tears had dried on my cheeks. Father wasn’t crying, so I wouldn’t either. I would be a man who could be strong when other people needed me. And my father needed me tonight.
“You had no right to leave,” he whispered. I never found out whether or not he knew I was there. What I knew was that it wasn’t time to say anything back.
“You promised me you’d never leave. We promised each other, and I’ve never broken my promise. I’ve never backed out of it, no matter how hard it was. No matter how much I wanted to play with you, with my children. I was strong so that you’d never leave.”
And for the first time in my life, I saw a tear fall down Father’s cheek. I saw the strongest man in the world cry. “I was strong so you’d stay with me. But you broke that promise, Margaret. You left me all alone, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to live like this.”
He poured himself another drink, and another tear followed the last. I never made a sound as I watched my father’s heart break. “You betrayed me, Margaret, but I still love you. I’ll love you forever, and I swear that I’ll never break my promise. Our children will never want for anything. But I don’t know how I’ll ever survive without you. I’ll do my best, but I’m nothing without you.”
Then the tears had truly fallen. The only time in my life that my father cried was when my mother had died. I sat with him for more than an hour as he wept. Silent and motionless. He had talked more, but the more he drank, the less sense he’d made. Then, when the bottle of Scotch was empty, he stood up and walked to his room, leaving me all alone in the dining room.
That was the night I vowed to myself never to break a promise. In my entire life, a broken promise is the only thing that ever made my father cry.
I take a deep breath as the memory flows through me as it has so many times in my life.
I had been willing to walk away from Loughton House when Father was still running it. But now, it’s in my hands. Now, I can’t shake the weight that lies on my shoulders.
I’d been able to hold the weight when I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. When Addison was right there, supporting me. But now? Do I even care if my father’s creation dies a slow death?
I hope you live a long, long life, Phillip. I hope Loughton House never fails so that you never get to be anything other than the machine your father made you into.Her words have echoed in my mind since she walked out of my life. Since I pushed her away.Since I broke my promise.
The same rage that filled me when Addison compared me to my father explodes inside me. I broke a promise to the only person I’ve ever loved.
