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Just friends?
After we almost had full-blown sex in the kitchen, he now wants us to be friends? I’m struggling to get my head around it and was so embarrassed that I couldn’t keep my cool when he called me into his office. I’m avoiding him even more than before now, but I know this can’t go on. He is my boss. Avoiding him is on the brink of being negligent in my job. And unless I’m getting paranoid, I think he is avoiding me too, so we are in a terrible spot.
The memory of how I started crying and ran out of his office makes me burn with humiliation and I feel the tingle on my cheeks as I relive it.
He’s been leaving earlier and returning home later than usual all week. This is the first time we’ve had breakfast together in ages. We’ve only interacted briefly when discussing Daisy’s summer schedule and we have her as our chaperone. It’s less dangerous this way. Daisy seems oblivious to the weird atmosphere and asks if we can visit Richmond Park again. I told her I’ll take her, but she insists she wants us to go with her daddy, and she badgers him about it now.
I’m buttering a slice of toast for her before sitting down for breakfast. His eyes are on me, and I muster the courage to look at him. One look is all it takes, and the spark runs between us like a city power line.
‘Would you like to go to the park again, Nathalie?’ he asks.
His sensitive blue-grey eyes appear guarded, and I wonder if he’s shielding himself from me like I’m shielding myself from him.
The question triggers a mix of emotions in me, and the adrenalin rushes through my body as hope flutters in my chest.
Is that an invitation?
Before I can stop myself, I reply, ‘That sounds good. It was such fun last time.’ I can’t maintain eye contact with him as his eyes burn into me and I worry he can see into my soul. I look at Daisy and see her happy, eager expression.
‘Today! May we go today?’ she pleads.
‘Not today, darling,’ Sebastian tells her.
Her bottom lip protrudes slightly, and she clutches her half-eaten piece of toast in a sticky little hand. ‘Please, Daddy. Why not today?’
‘If your daddy says he can’t do it today, then we must accept that with good grace,’ I tell Daisy, kicking into my nanny role on autopilot.
But the hope that fluttered in my breast shrivels, and I chastise myself for reading too much into his question. He was just being polite and making conversation. It wasn’t an invitation.
I’m cross. I got my hopes up, even though I promised myself not to fall any deeper. He’s effortlessly charming and I fall for it every time, but I must accept that there’s nothing special between us beyond sexual attraction. He told me so, and I should believe him. I’m allowing myself to get carried away with fantasising about him again, and it’s fatal.
‘I can’t today,’ he says, ‘but tomorrow we can go if you like.’ He moves his plate to one side and picks up his phone. ‘Let’s check the weather and see if it’s nice enough to go tomorrow morning.’
My heart skips faster as he checks the weather app. How pathetic am I that I let my happiness depend on tomorrow’s weather?
If it’s dry and sunny, I’ll get to spend some stolen moments with him. If it’s raining, the park visit won’t go ahead. I pray for a dry forecast.
He raises his eyes to mine again and now they are warm and full of light. ‘Sunny and dry tomorrow. Should be quite warm. We could go about 10 a.m. before it gets too hot if that suits you?’
Daisy bounces off her chair, jumps up and down, and starts dancing. ‘Yay! Yay! Yay!’
Joy floods through me and I laugh at her antics, even though it’s not proper table etiquette. ‘Daisy, you’ll get indigestion like that,’ I say.
I feel his eyes still on me. He’s waiting for my reply. I turn to him. ‘Perfect,’ I say. ‘We’ll be ready at 10.’
Daisy’s enthusiasm is infectious, and we both laugh. The fog of pain lifts, and I’m optimistic for the first time in days. He still wants to spend time with me. Then I realise this may be part of his plan for us to be friends.
And it’s your job, you fool. He’s just spending time with his daughter, and you’re tagging along as her nanny. Don’t read more into it than that.
But all day, my treacherous heart glows, and all I can think about is we’re going to glorious Richmond Park tomorrow morning. We’ll get to hang out and chat about nonsense, eat ice cream and Daisy will ask me to take more photos of the graceful red deer. They are her favourite.
I feel my resistance slipping, almost like the removal of a physical barrier. Maybe being friends isn’t such a terrible idea, after all? At least I’d get to enjoy his company.
Later that afternoon, I hear the Range Rover pull up. I’m only just back from collecting Daisy from a play date and she is changing in her bedroom. I peer out the window and there is Seb, taking long strides towards the front door. My heart taps faster, knowing I’ll see him any second.
Briefly I wonder why he’s home now. It’s Friday, and he usually gets home later. He said we couldn’t take Daisy to the park today, so I presumed he would work late.
His phone rings as he enters the house and I hear the echo of his deep voice reverberate through the large entrance hall. My mind’s racing and I sense something is going on, but I tell myself I’m just getting in a panic. We go downstairs and he sweeps Daisy into his arms, and she gabbles in his ear about her day. He places her back on her feet and says he must go and get changed. It’s unusual for him to change when he comes in, and I wonder what his plans are. Maybe he’s going out this evening. He hasn’t been out in the evening since we went to the ball, and only on one occasion I recall before that when he said he was meeting his brothers.
