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I shake my head and swallow. I feel stupid.
‘No, it was my fault,’ I say, turning to him. ‘You tried to make things right, and it took me off guard, that’s all. I’m fine.’
His eyes emanate kindness as they bore into mine. I do my best to hold myself together and not let him see the emotion that’s rippling through me. The kindness just makes it harder.
‘You sure?’ He presses. ‘I don’t want you to be uncomfortable in any way.’
‘I’m okay,’ I say, tight-lipped, even though I feel anything but.
‘Can things go back to how they were between us, before, you know—’ His words tail off and he runs a large hand through his dark hair. He seems sad too, and it gives me courage.
‘Before we kissed?’ I say, suddenly bold, pushing my nervousness aside.
He nods and looks downcast. ‘I’ve said I’m sorry about that. Will you please forgive me?’
Clearly, he doesn’t realise his polite apologies destroy me. His apologising repeatedly just makes me feel worthless—like I’m a mistake he made and is desperate to tidy away as though that incredible time between us never happened.
The familiar vein of unworthiness rushes through me and I poke at my insecurities like a sore tooth. I thought I’d worked through my ‘not enough’ pattern with a therapist, but this dynamic with Sebastian brings it all flooding back to the surface.
I was a confident, happy child until my mother fell ill, and when she died, my father, sister and I fell into a despondent state. He started drinking even more heavily than he did during her illness. When she was alive, even from her sickbed, she somehow kept him from self-destructing, but after her death, he lapsed into a dark space and drank himself steadily into oblivion. I still remember the feelings of despair and hopelessness. I wanted to help him, but he was beyond my reach and whatever I said didn’t seem to make any difference. He was no longer the same adoring father he had been when we were younger.
Sabine and I didn’t just lose our mother. When she died, we lost our father too. He couldn’t bear life without her and was never the same again. After that, came a string of women in and out of our apartment. Some were nice enough, but others were like Daisy would call—mean. They had no interest in two little girls grieving for their mother, and it wasn’t long before he gave up all pretence of taking care of us, and we were put into foster care.
The only blessing was that my sister and I managed to stay together. I was fierce about that and would not allow social services to split us up. We were a set, and we clung to each other as we came to terms with the loss of our parents and the only home we had ever known.
‘Nathalie?’ Seb says, and he leans towards me and elbows me gently.
I jump as he jolts me out of my memories.
‘Penny for your thoughts,’ he says, and the expression makes me turn and smile at him.
‘Sorry, I was far away.’
‘I could see that. Is there something I can help with?’
His tender words make me want to cry again, and I wish I could get a grip on my emotions. I haven’t been sentimental and dwelling on the past like this for a long time.
I force a bright smile onto my face. ‘No, it’s fine. You’re right. Of course, we can be friends. What else would we be?’
His relieved expression rips off another raw piece of my heart, and for the first time since the kitchen kissing, I feel a rush of rebelliousness. If he doesn’t feel how deep this connection is between us, then he’s the fool. I know I’m not imagining it, but if he wants to just be friends, then friends we will be.
And boss-employee, of course. It’s difficult to forget that’s what we really are when he pays me to live in his house.
Sebastian stands and whistles to catch Daisy’s attention and calls her over. He asks who wants ice cream when she joins us. Daisy tugs on his hand so they can go and choose what she wants. I decline the offer, saying it’s a bit early for ice cream for me, but I’d love a latte if they have one.
I watch them walk hand-in-hand towards the café and lose sight of his broad shoulders and dark hair as he disappears into the queue. My chest feels tight. Leaning back against the table, I look up at the sky and inhale deeply and release a couple of long, slow breaths.
That’s it. I will do my job to the best of my ability and the year will fly by and then we’ll go our separate ways.
I can’t make him love me, so there’s no point making more of a fool of myself trying.
CHAPTER19
Nathalie
I hop off the tube—which I still call the metro in my head—at Knightsbridge and walk the few minutes to Juliette’s flat. London is huge. I thought Paris was big until I tried to get my head around the size of London.
I’ve hardly been anywhere alone, out of the Richmond area. It’s easy enough to get to Juliette’s by train, and we sometimes go for something to eat or for a wander around the shops. When I have a day off, I try to get to see her unless I’m volunteering at the kids’ centre. If I had to find my way around London alone, I’m sure I’d be lost in a heartbeat.
