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‘That’s for sure. I don’t know how to tell Grandfather that Lizzy and I will not take it any further. He was so set on it when I talked to him earlier.’
‘Well, I’m not sure I’m the best person to ask,’ he says, his eyes drifting to Isabella as she chats with the others and seems to fit right into the family.
Later, I’m in my old room, and it’s hours until I fall asleep and I have to stop myself from texting Nathalie.
My head and heart are full of her and give me no peace.
CHAPTER39
Nathalie
It took me by surprise when Sebastian said he and Daisy were spending the weekend at Greystone. Without me. Stupid, I know, but I’d begun to hope he might want to be with me.
When he slipped it into the conversation, as if it was no big deal at all, even though Daisy begged him repeatedly for me to go with them, my hopes of us ever having a proper relationship spluttered and died a horrible death. It was like the ground was slipping away beneath my feet, and I was falling into the abyss.
What was I thinking? Daring to imagine there’d be more for me with him, even though I’m just his employee. And now, because of our relationship, I’m not even getting the usual benefits of being a nanny. If there was nothing going on between us, I’m sure he would have expected me to go to Greystone Manor with them to help look after Daisy. No one would have thought it strange for me to accompany them, so it’s clearly Seb who doesn’t want me there. He must be worried they’ll pick up on something between us.
And it hurts. The word doesn’t describe just how much it hurts. It’s like he peeled the lining of my insides away and ripped it off until I’m raw and bleeding. After they drove off this morning, I felt discarded, like a used rag. I’m not good enough to be his girlfriend or, God forbid, a Rochester wife, but he also daren’t risk taking me to his ancestral home as the nanny. I’m gutted about him choosing not to include me. I’ve wanted to visit Greystone since I first took the job. Sebastian has talked about the estate where he and his siblings grew up, so much. It’s got an almost legendary reputation now, and I wanted to see it for myself.
Naively, I expected something to change after our passionate lovemaking in the park. He told me he loved me of his own volition. It’s not as though I pressured him or told him how I feel, so I believed him. But he’s been so distant since that night that I’m wondering if I only imagined the magical words I wanted to hear. But no, he said he loved me, so why is he being so cold?
As the hours tick by, I feel less and less like going out and making the most of my weekend off. Juliette invited me to stay at her flat, but I haven’t been able to rally myself into leaving the house, and I’m angry about my lethargy. I sit by the pool, letting the gentle late summer sunshine wash over me, trying to read a book and failing. I can’t concentrate. All I see is his face, and my heart feels bruised from the disappointment of recent events.
The house is still and silent without Sebastian and Daisy’s voices ringing out through the rooms. Mrs Johnson isn’t needed for the weekend, so she’s not here either. It’s just me roaming around this big place, and I’ve never felt so alone. I’m in the house of my dreams, but it means nothing if he doesn’t want me. He’s not texted, and why would he? Daisy is with him for the weekend, so there’s no reason for him to be in touch in the casual way he usually is.
I am expendable, and it cuts like a knife.
As the evening sets in, the air chills, and my spirits sink lower until an ominous thought floats into my mind. It makes me shiver and I clasp my robe around my swimsuit and pull the towel over my tanned legs. I can’t face going inside to make something to eat, even though my stomach’s growling and demanding its next meal. It all seems so pointless without him.
The thought hovers in my mind, plaguing me until I can’t ignore it any longer.
I have to leave Richmond.
I have to leave Sebastian and my sweet Daisy.
I must leave now.
It occurs to me, if I’d never known love like the love I feel for him, and the overwhelming joy I feel in his presence, I’d be perfectly happy living in a luxury London home and caring for the most wonderful little girl.
But I did meet him, and I’ve tasted what it’s like to love someone so completely that everything around you ceases to exist. At this moment, I know I can’t do this to myself anymore. I’ve been torturing myself for months with thoughts that I’ll never be able to be with him properly for all the obvious reasons, but a glimmer of hope burst into a flame when he said he loved me.
I thought that once he acknowledged he loved me, he’d find a way for us to be together, despite his family duty and inheritance clause. We’re perfect together in every other way that counts, and I thought he understood we can’t carry on like this.
But now it’s clear, it makes no difference that he loves me. He’s a Rochester first and foremost and his actions this weekend speak more clearly than any whispered words of love in a weak moment of post-sexual passion.
He still sees me as just the nanny. The irony is that if he came to me on bended knee and declared his love for me was greater than his inheritance and he would give it all up for me, I’m not sure I would let him do it, anyway.
I will never know now.
The last thing I want is for him to give up his company and position in the business, and then a few years down the line, resent me for being the reason he lost everything.
No. That can’t happen, even if he was willing to risk everything to be with me. But as it happens, he’s shown me he’s willing to risk nothing. He won’t even risk taking me to his family home.
So, what’s the answer?
It’s a predicament of the worst kind, and I see no way out for us. I love him too much to wait around for the occasional crumb he throws me. I’ve struggled with my self-esteem, and usually I would beat myself up and think this is all my fault.
I’m not loveable enough.
