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But when we’re together, I feel his love, and for the first time in my life, I know I am enough.
If I wasn’t enough for him, he wouldn’t keep seeking me out and tormenting us both. He wouldn’t have bought me the topaz necklace that I keep under my pillow and think about every night as I try to fall asleep without him beside me.
The sun is setting as the light in the garden fades, and wearily I collect my things and move into the house.
My heart feels like it’s hardly beating, and my legs are so heavy I can barely make it up to my room. I throw myself onto my bed and sob like the wretched being I am. I’m rarely alone in the house and I’ve contained my emotions so much recently, I’m like a tightly strung guitar, finally allowing its strings to be plucked. The tears roll down my cheeks and I wail like a distraught child. There’s no one to interrupt me, and no one to worry about in this large empty house, so I let it all out. I cry like I haven’t cried since my mother died, and it feels like a similar pain. It’s the agony of loss and abandonment, and the coming to terms with a grief so fierce that there is no way around it, only through it.
I don’t know how long I sob, curled up on my bed with the covers up to my chin. Eventually, I drift off into a deep sleep and when I awaken; the room is in darkness and my heart pounds as I scramble for my phone next to the bed to see what time it is.
It’s only 10 p.m. and it strikes me how slowly time passes when you’re miserable. I get off the bed and begin organising my things with robotic movements. My emotions are raw, and I’m all cried out now.
Sebastian’s beloved face floats into my mind, and a sharp pain runs through me as I think of leaving him forever.
The cold realisation of what I must do is clear in my mind. The second I opened my eyes after sleeping, I just knew. When he left for Greystone, I knew it was over, but I wasn’t quite ready to admit it to myself. He made his choice, although he may not realise it yet.
I can’t continue like this. We can’t continue like this. The pain is too great and we’re going to destroy each other. And Daisy deserves a better life than this. He thinks we can just carry on as we are, but I can’t do it, and our feelings for each other will get in the way of him finding someone his family will approve of whom he can marry when he’s ready.
I don’t know how I know what he’s thinking, but I do. We’re connected by an invisible bond, and I feel his feelings.I must go somewhere he won’t find me even if he looks for me because I suspect he will.
He can marry Lizzy Archer without me getting in the way. He said she doesn’t want the marriage either, but if he makes a proper proposal, perhaps she’ll be willing. Her family is pressuring her too, so it’s only me standing in the way. Daisy will have a proper step mum and enjoy the stable home life she deserves. After the initial sadness of me leaving, she’ll be fine. I hope she’ll get her dream holiday by the sea.
I must get on with my life and forget him. And I know I can’t do that while I’m living in his house.
I will leave before he returns, or I won’t have the strength.
CHAPTER40
Nathalie
I make a cup of coffee to clear my head despite the late hour. It’s not as though I’m going to get much sleep tonight, anyway. Juliette answers when I call, and we have a long chat. She assures me she’s got my back whatever I decide to do, and she’s there for me, which is a great relief. Sometimes you just need a friend to listen while you vent, and that’s what she does for me, and I’m reminded how fortunate I am to have her. By the end of the call, my face is wet with tears, but my heart feels a glimmer of light. It’s good to know I’m not completely alone, which is how I’ve been feeling all day. I didn’t want to worry my sister, so have been pretending everything is going great and haven’t told her a thing.
Juliette tells me to sleep on my decision and see what I want to do in the morning. It’s too late to leave now, but I doubt I’ll have a change of heart overnight. I don’t want to leave at all, but I know I must, and I don’t see that changing by tomorrow morning.
I play some music and wearily pull my case down from the top of the wardrobe. All the emotion has worn me out and I’m mentally exhausted. It’s just as well I didn’t bring much and haven’t bought many things since I’ve been in London. I always travel light just in case a nanny post doesn’t work out and I need to leave at short notice. It’s never happened until now, but families often change their plans, and there have been a few times where I’ve had to move from one house to another in the middle of a posting.
This is the first time I’ll be ending a contract before the agreed date, and I hope my track record with the agency will speak for itself and not ruin my prospects of working with them in the future. That worried me a lot when I first considered ending the contract early, but I’ve realised that I’m reaching the end of the road of my days as a nanny. My sister and I text regularly, and she is thriving in her new career, just as I’d hoped. I’ve got savings, and for the first time in my working life, I can choose to do what I want, rather than the sensible thing.
It’s a shame that all I want to do is stay with Sebastian and Daisy when it is not an option.
My thoughts flit to Richard at the centre. I’ll have to let him know I won’t be around for any more shifts. There’s no long-term commitment to volunteering, so although I’ll miss the kids, I’m not letting anyone down. Perhaps Richard really has a job for me in his organisation. Seb’s name for him makes me giggle, even in my melancholy mood.
No, I can’t work for Tricky Dicky.
I’ll never see him in the same light again. Besides, Sebastian would hate it if I did. I’m not sure why that’s so important, but even if we don’t see each other again, which we probably won’t, I want him to have good memories of our time together, and not think of me as ditching him and Daisy, to work for his arch enemy.
I fold my clothes quickly into neat piles and pack methodically, so everything fits into my small case.
Daisy. Dearest, sweetest Daisy. I’m going to miss her so much, and I feel bad about leaving her like this because I know she’s grown as attached to me as I have to her.
But if I wait to see her or Seb again, I won’t leave. It’s too hard to leave even when they’re not here. This is the right thing to do for us all. She’ll soon bounce back, and it is for the best in the long run.
I’ll probably see a headline about Sebastian marrying Lizzy Archer when I pass a newsstand one day, and I steel myself for the inevitable.
That night, I toss and turn and barely sleep for more than thirty minutes at a time, and I’m grateful when the long, dark night is interrupted by the dawn stirrings of nature and the birds tweet their joyous songs. It reminds me that there is always light after dark, and one way or another I’ll get through this, even though I feel like I’m heading for hell.
My phone pings, and I check my messages, thinking it’ll be Juliette checking in on me after our emotional call last night. But it’s from Sebastian. My heart bashes in my chest as I click on the message.
Morning Nat. Hope you enjoyed a relaxing day without us! Just to give you a heads up, in case you’re at home today, I’ll be heading back early evening. Daisy wants to stay at Greystone for a week with grandma, so you will have a free week. Sorry for the short notice. See you later. S x
