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I restrain myself from speeding in my eagerness to turn into the first service station and check her message. Maybe she wants me to meet her somewhere.
It seems ages until I can pull over and read the message. An icy dagger slithers through my heart and I just stare at the words, wishing I could unsee them:
Dear Sebastian, I’ll be gone when you get home. I left a letter on your desk to explain. Thanks for everything, and sorry to leave on such short notice. Nathalie.
My hearts crashing against my chest like a wild thing, and I claw at my hair and a strangled scream escapes my lips.
What the fuck have I done?
My head’s spinning and I don’t trust myself to drive, so I just sit in my car for I don’t know how long, as people come and go, laughing and joking as if my world hasn’t crashed and burned around me.
I’ve been so stupid. All this time she’s been at home waiting for me, wherever I went, and I didn’t stop to think that one day she might not be there. Now she’s gone and I see the signs I missed. The long silences since the evening in the park, and not meeting my eyes when I look at her. I thought she was embarrassed and didn’t know what to say, but I didn’t think she was planning her getaway.
I went to Greystone, determined to take some time to think, which was another reason I didn’t invite her to come with us. But what aboutherfeelings? I berate myself for being so selfish and not seeing things from her perspective. All I thought about was what was good for Daisy and me, and the stupid bloody inheritance clause. I’ve taken her for granted, and it serves me fucking well right.
What a complete and utter twat you are, Rochester.
I grind the words out aloud, but they give me no respite from the searing agony running through me. I’ve lost her and there’s no one to blame but myself. My head sinks against the steering wheel and I physically stop myself from howling like a wounded animal in the middle of the service station carpark.
I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.
I bash the steering wheel several times and stare into space again, unseeing. How long I sit there like that I don’t know, like everything is pointless now she’s gone and there’s nothing to go home for. Daisy’s not there either, and I hate the house when it’s empty.
Eventually, I realise I can’t stay here, so I pull myself together somehow and drive to Richmond on autopilot, but it barely registers when I arrive at the house. Knowing Nathalie will not be inside ever again is more than I can take. When I punch in the security code and enter the house, there’s a tiny piece of me praying that she changed her mind and didn’t go.
Maybe she waited for me, after all?
But once I’m in, I rush from room to room, calling her name, but the house is deserted and silent. I run up to her suite and knock, but there’s no reply, so I enter, my heart thumping.
She didn’t bring many personal possessions, and there’s nothing I can see that wasn’t here when she moved in. I wander into the bedroom and notice the sheets have been stripped from the bed and there’s no trace of Nathalie.Anywhere.
I sink onto the edge of the bed and uncontrollable anger courses through me. Why did she leave without talking to me first? My chest feels strangely hollow, and I stumble downstairs to my office, remembering she said she left me a letter.
There it is on my desk, with my name written across the front in neat script. Never have I hated the sight of a letter more than when I stare at that piece of paper that I’m certain will rip my heart out and leave me even more hopeless than I am now.
And she’s left the box with the topaz necklace next to it.
I sit on the corner of the desk and unfold the piece of paper and make myself read it…
CHAPTER42
Sebastian
Dear Sebastian,
I am sorry to have to leave like this. I hope you understand why I can’t stay on any longer. I just can’t do it anymore. Wanting you is tearing me apart, and we’re going to destroy each other if we continue like this. It’s not fair on any of us, especially Daisy, because we’re confusing her with our situation.
I’ve tried to talk to you about how I feel, but I understand you’re in an impossible situation with your family, so I must leave, and I can’t face seeing you first because I won’t have the strength to go if I do.
I asked the agency to organise a temporary nanny to give you time to find a suitable replacement. Please give my love to sweet Daisy and make whatever excuse for my leaving that you think is best. The most important thing is that she knows it’s not because of her. It has been a joy to know you both and to take care of her. I hope things work out for you as you wish. Please don’t try and find me. It’s easier this way.
All my love,
Nathalie x
I sit there staring into space until I swipe at the tears on my face with the back of my hand. I haven’t shed tears since my father died. There were none left when my ex went—I was numb and hurting for Daisy, and still mourning my dad.
Now it’s all going to shit for Daisy again. And even if it wasn’t entirely my fault when my marriage fell apart, this catastrophe certainly is. My darling daughter will suffer because of my actions.
