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Chapter Thirty-one
Erin
“Mom,whatdoyouwant me to do with this box?” Alex asks. Chris is on a hunting trip with his dad, and things have been tense between Tanner and me for the past week, so he's staying at his place tonight. I'm not sure exactly why. When I ask him what's going on, he tells me nothing, but something is off. I thought we were doing much better, but maybe not. I'm half-expecting him to dump me any minute because he can't deal with all my drama, so until then, I am trying to keep myself busy… hence us cleaning out the attic.
I haven’t been up here in forever. Pretty sure it was the day that we moved in—or soon after. I took all of the junk that I didn’t want to deal with and shoved it up here. I figure after a year, it’s time for me to go through some of it and downsize.
Looking at the box Alex is holding, I see that it’s labeled ERIN’S JOURNALS.
“Oh my gosh!” I say. “I haven’t seen these in forever!”
I take the box out of his hands and blow the dust off the top before opening it up.
“When are those from?” Alex asks.
“Oh, geez,” I think out loud. “I started journaling when I was in late middle school or early high school? And I probably kept doing it through around the time that you were born.”
He looks completely confused. “What did you write about? Was your life that exciting that you had to document it?”
After a hard eyeroll, I look at him. “You know, I’m not always as boring as you think I am.”
“Sorry. I just can’t imagine writing down that much of my life.”
Cracking open one of the journals, I say, “I guess I was always better at writing things down than talking about them.”
When he sees me sit down on the floor and start to read one of the books, he asks, “Can I go take a break? Maybe take Joey outside? I promise to keep an eye on him.”
Without removing my eyes from the pages, I mutter, “Go for it.”
An hour later, I’ve busted open a bottle of wine and am now reading all my journals while sitting on the couch next to Charlie. The boys have been outside this whole time. I think they are worried that if they dare to come inside, I’ll put them back to work.
Reading through everything, I can see how much I’ve changed over the years. My high school entries are so much more fun and vivacious.
September 20th:
That cute guy, Judd asked me out again today. He’s nice enough, but I think maybe he’stoonice. I can tell that he’s the type of guy you bring home to meet your parents before he slaps a ring on your finger. I’m not sure I’m ready for all that. Especially since just a couple days ago, I was making out with Tommy Markell at his party. The thing with Tommy isn’t going anywhere, though. He tried to tell me he didn’t like the way I dressed, so I told him to fuck off.
Besides, I only have half a year left until I graduate and can leave this small town in my dust. I still have no idea what I want to do, but I sure as shit know I don’t want to stay here. I plan on doing something with my life.
But this Judd guy is cute, I guess. Maybe just one date wouldn’t hurt.
I take a bit gulp of wine. Oh, sweet, naïve little Erin. You have no idea what you’re getting into.
Another entry is from a couple years later.
June 2nd:
I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Judd is driving me absolutely crazy. He keeps trying to change everything about me. He doesn’t like my mouth or the way that I dress. He tells me I’m a huge flirt with every guy I come in contact with.
I’m going to end it. I’ve been stuck here for longer than I wanted to, and it’s time I really start my life. Deep down, Judd is a good guy, but I don’t think that he’s the right guy for me.
Wish me luck.
Two days later…
June 4th:
I’m pregnant. I’m fucking pregnant. How did this happen? Okay, I KNOW how this happened. But we were always careful. When I told Judd, he was the happiest I’d ever seen him. It’s like it never dawned on him that we are still just kids with our whole lives ahead of us. I guess having a kid doesn’t affect his plans on becoming a cop. But it sure as hell affects me.
