AllFreeNovel
Share Us
When I told him, he said, “We should get married.” What an absolutely grand proposal. I feel like I’m straight out of a romantic movie.
I keep telling myself that maybe it won’t be that bad. Maybe a baby will help Judd chill out a little bit and find his softer side. I guess I can still do some painting and some writing and maybe try to build a portfolio that one day, I can use to get a good job.
I know they say that you will love the baby inside of you. And I guess part of me already does. But part of me feels like I have some sort of alien inside me. It no longer feels like my body. I hope that feeling goes away because I don’t want to resent this kid before it even comes out.
Listen to me. I already sound like a terrible mother.
What the hell am I going to do?
The entries get more and more infrequent. I went from journaling every single day to maybe once every few months.
September 18th:
I felt the baby move for the first time today. Up until this point, I have been entirely unsure about this whole thing. As crazy as it sounds, those few little fluttery kicks were enough to make me realize how much I already love this baby. Judd has gotten better, and things have actually been going really well. It's like having a baby has softened him.
But no matter what, I know that it will be this kid and I against the world. Whether Judd is around or not, I will love and protect this baby with my life. It may have taken a few months for me to get my head out of my ass, but now that I'm here, I finally get it. I understand that it's my job to not only make sure this kid is loved but make sure they can take on anything that comes their way. I'll be the pillar of strength for them.
Next week, we get to find out what the sex is. I don't care what it is as long as it's healthy, but I secretly am hoping for a boy. I've always heard that daughters have an incredible bond with their dad while boys have the same with their mom. Plus, boys are supposed to be easier, right? I'm not sure I'm ready for all the girl hormones. Give me boy problems any day of the week.
No matter what, I know one thing for sure, I will love this kid with every fiber of my being.
I already do.
When I finish reading that one, tears fill my eyes. I still remember the day that I felt each of my boys move for the first time. It was always the highlight of my pregnancies. And with each one, I always had the same feeling. I knew that I would love my kids with every single part of me. The day that I first felt Chris move, I decided that everything I did from then on would be for my kids. I would make sure that not only were they taken care of, but they were happy.
I felt like I failed them when Judd and I got divorced. I thought that I ruined their childhood and that they were going to need boatloads of therapy. Honestly, they handled it pretty well. It was me who could probably have used some therapy.
All those years ago, I vowed to make sure my kids were ready to take on anything the world would throw at them. Instead, I have been sheltering them from almost everything. Instead of showing them how to deal with things, I pretend everything is fine and sweep it under the rug.
Who is that helping?
I read another entry from a couple years later.
May 15th:
Judd has finally finished his time at the academy. I'm hoping that now that he doesn't have the stress, he will be in a better mood. There are some times when he won't say a kind word to me for days. It's hard living with someone who only points out your flaws. Ever since I gave birth to Chris, all Judd talks about is my weight. I'm trying to lose it, but I'm just so tired all the time. When I try to talk to him about it, he just tells me I don't understand the stress that he's under.
I'm pretty sure I do considering I'm the one who has been working while he finishes school. My dad has been watching Chris since Judd says he's too busy studying to worry about babysitting. Can it be considered babysitting when it's your own kid?
I get so upset and feel like I'm ten seconds away from walking out the door. But then, Judd comes home with flowers or wants to have a picnic with Chris and I, and somehow, I just let it all go. How long am I going to continue to put up with it? How long am I going to stay with someone who clearly doesn't care about me?
I hear him coming through the front door. The way he threw his bag down and kicked off his boots lets me know that tonight isn't going to be a good one. He's going to be in a mood again, and I'll end up going to bed alone.
What the hell has happened to my life?
Now, I'm practically sobbing. With each entry I read, I can feel the younger me slowly losing myself. That once strong woman has turned into someone completely different. I'm so angry with Judd, but more so, I put the blame on myself. I should have never let him take as much from me as he did.
And I'm still letting him take things from me. Time and time again.
I'm letting a guy who treated me like shit dictate my relationship with a guy who treats me like a queen. What the hell is wrong with me?
When will enough be enough?
I pack up all the journals and take them back to the attic and spot another tote labeledErin's stories.
No fucking way.
The box comes back downstairs with me, and I start looking through them. Back in the day, I used to want to write books. Writing romance was the dream, but Judd would tell me that it would embarrass him if I ever tried to publish something like that. I dabbled with a few thriller stories but never got very far. Pulling out the first notebook, I start reading a very rough draft of a love story that I wrote damn near ten years ago.
