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“Paisley, will you have Gavinas your lawfully wedded husband, to live together in the covenant of matrimony? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, keep you only unto him, for the rest of your life?”
The end of the minister’s sentence fades, overcome by the loud whooshing in my ears. Sweat that has already dampened the satin at my armpits and down the back of my gown, making the soft fabric itchy and uncomfortable, now trickles between my breasts. My breaths come in short pants. My heart, searching for escape, is threatening to beat outside of my chest. Not literally, though once a man like Gavin held it cradled in their hands as gently as my husband-to-be is holding my hands.
My tongue darts to wet my parched lip. The underside gets caught on the smudge-proof lipstick the makeup artist applied. We’ve spared no expense for this wedding. I’d seen candelabras. Gavin suggested the ceremony be at night. And the chapel is lit by candlelight! We are what everyone deems perfect for one another.
Gavin loves me. I love him. How could I not? He’s a good man.
But do I not honor Gavin and devalue our relationship by continuing with this wedding? Or do I love him enough to be the “anyone who knows a reason” why we shouldn’t marry one another?
keep you only unto him
for the rest of your life
I’d abide by those words if somewhere deep in my gut my shriveling soul was interpreting them the same way that Gavin is.
That’s what I have.
A black soul for playing along with a lie until it was too late and embarrassing Gavin in public.
We’re in a church, for Christ’s sake!
Oh, crap.If I weren’t spinning the wheel trying to decide which path to hell the arrow will point me in, then taking Lord’s name in vain has added a short, direct route.
Lightheaded, I wrap my left hand over my stomach and bend at the waist. Gavin’s thumb presses into the top of my left hand. His fingers pinch into my palm.
“Paisley, are you okay?” His voice filled with concern, Gavin shifts his stance so that he’s shielding me from the pews occupied by our family and Gavin’s friends and colleagues from the hospital.
“Just,ah, give me a sec.” The sheer fabric of my veil flops over my shoulder, covering my watery eyes. I try some deep breathing exercises. My chest aches. My fingertips are cold and tingling. Perspiration drenches my scalp.
My mother’s compliment from before she escorted me down the aisle rushes at me like a tidal wave.You’re going to have the most beautiful marriage, Paisley. I’m so happy you found a man that loves you unconditionally and that you have a bright beginning, similar to what your father and I had.
I wanted to tell my mom that Gavin’s love comes with strings attached. That he couldn’t keep me only unto him, no matter how short our life together winds up being. Gavin needs more.
I can’t live trapped in the cage of domestic bliss. I don’t want him to kiss me goodbye in the morning and drive away in his BMW, pretending I’m the woman he still wants.
Both of us can’t lie.
I can’t marry Gavin.
And now that I’ve made up my mind, I’m in a huge pickle, aren’t I?
“Oh, gosh!” I whip my head back, standing ramrod straight. I brush away the layers of tulle resting on my head to get them out of my face. When that doesn’t work, I grip the tiny pearl and silver tiara from Sterlings that the veil is attached to and rip it entirely out of my hair. Giving Gavin a wide-eyed and wily smile, I’m positive he’s ready to have me committed to the psychiatric wing.
“Sweetheart?” Gavin’s gaze is wrought with concern.
“You are going to make an amazing husband.” I pat underneath the knot in his silk cravat. “But you shouldn’t waste the happiness the world has to offer you on me.”
I turn toward the chancel and bolt. My skirt swishes past the altar and I duck out the door in front of the minister’s vestry. The corridor leads to the stairs, to the lower floor where I waited to march down the aisle, and outside to the parking lot.
“Paisley!” Gavin yells.
I doubt he’ll stay put. I mean, would any groom if they were questioning why their bride left them at the altar? But I don’t have an answer Gavin will accept. He’ll coerce me back inside and I’ll give in so as not to disappoint anyone.
