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“I can’t have children, Jake,” she admits.
It’s not what I expected Paisley to say. I flub for the right words. Because how the hell do I say to the firecracker standing here, unsure if she wants to give me a second chance, that I’m all in for a long-term commitment—say, fifty years—without scaring her off?
I sit on the edge of the couch, holding her hand and looking up at her. “That’s not a problem. If you want, we’ll find—”
“No, I can’t have them, and I don’twant them.”
Something about Paisley’s remark makes her braver and stronger.
“I’m uh, I’m a little—”
There is a hint of cynicism in her voice. “Confused?”
I hesitate responding. “Relieved?” My lips pinch.
“Are you really, Jake? Men say a lot of things. You said you loved me.” She expects me to flinch.
I knew the night of the benefit if Paisley requested, I’d go above and beyond being her sperm donor. But for as much fun as hanging out with Cris’s son, Mateo, was at Kingsbrier, I’ve never had the desire to be a father.
“That was your secret.” I press my forehead to the back of her hand.
I used her over something so small, yet so significant.
“If I had it, I lost the right to pry. But right now, it seems like you are using the choice you made to leave Laughton to push me away before we’ve even discussed how badly I hurt you. Give me the benefit of the doubt that I can do better this time, please.”
Paisley touches my hair. I draw her into my lap. My shoulders hunch. Her tiny body fits cocooned against my chest. It always has. It always will.
I rest my cheek on her head, inhaling the rose scent that surrounds her.
She sighs, sinking in. “I was born with the same congenital heart defect that my dad suffered from. I was lucky enough that doctors could do more to fix it. That meant multiple surgeries when I was a kid. I should have been honest, but flawless women were always parading around you. I felt like you wouldn’t see me as sexy if you knew about the scar.”
Paisley doesn’t know how wrong she is. “There’s not a part of you that’s not gorgeous. At every turn, you stood up to me. You’d proven your strength, your dignity, and your determination not to let go of anything that was meaningful to you. Those traits attracted me to you in the first place. Not being able to touch you whenever I wanted, however I wanted, made you sexier.”
Fiddling with the collar of my shirt, Paisley peeks up. A wary smile at my compliment graces her face.
“It’s true,” I say.
“I’ve been pregnant, Jake,” Paisley replies.
I tighten my arms around her, listening to Paisley recount the long hours she worked when her boutique was brand new. She knew what decision she was making before the doctor started talking about the health risks. Hardly eight weeks along, she had high blood pressure and her body was showing signs of stress. The threat of a later-term miscarriage was a wait and see situation. The hours she’d put into the boutique were rough as it was.
“Having a child would have broken my spirit. My boutique is my baby. It’s everything to me that I succeeded at building a place women recommend their friends shop at. I want to give back and be that person for other small business owners, too. Despite what everyone assumes, I’m not unfulfilled. I made my dreams come true and bit by bit I reach toward another goal.” She mentions the space available soon next to hers and the possibility of expansion.
I kiss the crown of her head. “Corazón, nothing could break your spirit, not even me. Not even how rough it had to have been making the best choice for you.”
“I was lucky my dad was there for me. When his heart began failing, I started pushing people away. I thought giving them space was the best way to care for them. After my father died, my heart specialist, a former colleague of his, introduced me to Gavin. Gavin performed the surgeries on his pediatric patients similar to the ones I had as a kid. I thought that marrying Gavin gave my mom a sense of security if she lost me the way she lost my dad. Gavin would understand better than anyone else. He and I already spoke the same language, filled with medical jargon and statistics. I didn’t have to explain my scar or my medications. I didn’t have to justify the way I ate, insisting he wash his hands, or get a flu shot. We were in tune.”
“Except for one note.”
“I sang off-key about kids.” She huffs. “Gavin wanted to look into other alternatives; adoption, surrogacy. We should have talked about how he wanted to be a father in the beginning. It wasn’t until our relationship got serious that I saw his dream of parenting slipping away. Gavin was amazing with kids and it made him even more amazing at this job. Withholding that from him would’ve been unfair, but I didn’t know how to end our engagement. Everyone kept saying I’d change my mind. It made me feel guiltier that I knew I wouldn’t. That everyone shouldn’t have wasted their energy on getting excited for us—especially my mom and Gavin.” Paisley finishes sounding as if she doesn’t expect me to understand.
When she ran out on Laughton, she was leaving behind a life she couldn’t bear to lead any longer. I won’t judge Paisley. I’m determined to make changes after not only making the mistake of lying, but leaving her as well. I’m glad she can confide in me when I’ve proven untrustworthy in the past.
“Jake, I’m scared to be in love with you. One thing I learned about myself is that I put myself on the sidelines. It’s not like I have an expiration date on my forehead, but my dad did everything right and died early.”
“And you’re worried the same thing will happen to you.”
“I have every right to be afraid.”
