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Me:Sure thing.
Shawn:I’ll pick you up at 7?
Me:Sounds perfect.
The car pulled to a stop, and I shoved my phone in my back pocket. I ignored the ball of lead in the pit of my stomach as I got out and forced myself to walk into the building.
* * *
“…andthe damage makes it so your ovaries can’t function properly.”
I stared at Dr. Hazel, not quite comprehending what she was saying. I’d made this appointment because my period had been unusually painful this week. It was supposed to be an overreaction, something I’d done out of an abundance of caution. There wasn’t supposed to be permanent damage.
“I don’t understand,” I said. “How did this happen?”
“We don’t know exactly what causes endometriosis. We can talk about treatments that can help with the pain…”
Her words were fading, drowned out by the sound of my blood rushing in my ears. This wasn’t happening.
“You mean I won’t ever be able to have children?” I blurted, interrupting whatever Dr. Hazel was saying.
“With the way the scar tissue is blocking the fallopian tubes and the damage to the ovaries, no. We can always talk about surrogacy when the time comes.”
I didn’t want to think about surrogacy right now. I felt vacant, like everything that made memehad up and left, leaving me with nothing inside. My body had betrayed me. It couldn’t do the one thing I was supposed to be able to do as a woman.
I was in a daze through the rest of my appointment and the drive home. I barely noticed when the car stopped outside my house. I got out of the car but made no move to go inside. I didn’t want to face the empty house right now. I also couldn’t call Mamma. This wasn’t the kind of conversation we could have over the phone, and it was too late to ask her to stay behind.
I’m not sure how long I sat in the yard. The next thing I knew, a ten-year-old Honda was pulling into the driveway.
Shawn jumped out of the driver’s seat without even turning the engine off.
“Piper?” He knelt in front of me, his hands finding my cheeks. “What happened? Are you okay?”
I shook my head. “I’m broken,” I whispered.
“Hey. Look at me. I don’t know what’s going on, but you arenotbroken. There is not one damn thing wrong with you.”
He was wrong, but I couldn’t force the words out past the lump in my throat. Tears blurred my vision, and Shawn’s arms came around me, holding me to him. I buried my face in his T-shirt and cried.
“It’s okay,” he murmured, rubbing a hand up and down my back. “I’ve got you.”
When I ran out of tears, I pulled back, swiping at my eyes.
Shawn grabbed my wrist and lowered my hand from my face. He brushed the hair from my face and studied me. “Do you still want to get ice cream?”
Ice cream wasn’t going to fix anything, but getting out of here with Shawn sounded far better than sitting on the lawn, crying over something I couldn’t fix. I nodded and let Shawn pull me to my feet.
We didn’t talk as he drove to the ice cream parlor. I didn’t even argue when he insisted on buying the ice cream. It wasn’t until we were both sitting at a booth in the back corner with our ice cream cones that I finally found my voice.
“I can’t have children,” I whispered.
His forehead wrinkled. “What do you mean?”
“That’s the short version of what my doctor told me. My body doesn’t work right. I’m defective.”
“Piper Adeline Amato, you are not defective. There is so much more to you than your womb, understand?”
“But it’s the only thing I’ve always known I wanted. I want to be a mom, Shawn.” I placed a hand over my stomach, which would never, ever carry a baby. “How can you feel born to do the one thing your body can’t do?”
