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And when she dozes off, I know it’s because she feels comfortable and secure.
I lean back in the chair, a long shuddering breath expelling from my lungs. “My insides feel completely shredded right now. To see your baby in trouble like that, to feel so helpless to make her better…” My voice cracks. “My God, the stress of being a parent is absolutely—”
“You can’t leave.”
I spring forward, my brows furrowed when I meet Danil’s tortured gaze.
“Why? Because Daniela has an allergy?”
He crosses the room and stands in front of me. “No, because I want to be in her life. She’s part of me. I didn’t realize how I’d feel until I thought I might lose her.”
“You said it would be okay.”
“I’m not a doctor. I told you that because I knew you’d lose your shit if I told you I was scared.”
“Smart move. I would have.” I pick at a pull in the burgundy fabric covering the seat cushion. “But I told you it’s best that we leave. I want to go home to Manhattan. I have a life there, and so does Daniela.”
“What kind of life will you have if you’re constantly looking over your shoulder in case the threat finds you? And it will.” His expression darkens. “It always does.”
“I will do everything in my power to protect her.”
“I’m not only worried about her.” He reaches for my hand, caressing the top with his thumb and forefinger.
“Please, you’ve never worried about me.” My heart thumps hard against my ribs, the force muffling the sound of my own voice. Even as I say them, the words cut deep into my soul because I want so desperately for him to tell me I’m wrong, that there is something between us, that I’m not completely delusional.
But I can’t fool myself into believing anything he says. He’s as clear as a cloudless blue sky to me now. He’s let me see plenty, and I have to stop turning a blind eye to it all.
“That’s the problem. You’ve always only worried about you and what you want. I’m sorry if this whole thing has made you suddenly want to be a parent, and that you’ve given up on being a selfish asshole whose only concerns are ‘justice and death.’” I pull my hand away from his, my shoulders slumping with a deep, shuddering sigh of defeat. “But it’s too late, Danil.”
Because staying here with him would cause more emotional carnage than any death threat I can imagine.
Chapter29
Danil
“If I were you, I’d take her to an allergist and get a full slate of tests done.” Dr. Vargas scrolls through screens on the iPad in his hands, then looks up at us. “But you’re going to have to keep an EpiPen with her at all times. She’ll need it for the rest of her life.”
“I’m so glad we had one when it happened.” Larysa’s gaze drops to Daniela, who is awake and smiling while she plays with a teddy bear the nurses managed to find in the pediatric ward.
Dr. Vargas nods. “You acted very quickly and likely saved her life. Good work, Dad.”
Danil’s forehead pinches and he squeezes the outline of Daniela’s little foot. “Anything to make sure she’s safe.”
“The swelling is gone and hasn’t returned, so we’re in the clear. She’ll be discharged soon. One of the nurses will come in with paperwork for you to sign.” Dr. Vargas leans over the bed. “You were a really good patient.” He holds up a hand to give her a high five and she smacks it with her own, giggling.
I stuff my hands into my pockets and lean back against the wall facing the bed. Stress snakes through my insides, even though she’s out of the woods this time. The thought that I might not have been able to save my baby girl in time grabs hold like a boa constrictor wrapped around my throat.
“It’s not easy being a parent.” Larysa looks up at me from the chair, a faint smile lifting her lips. “You love them so much and so hard that whenever there’s a threat of danger to them, you feel like you’re on the verge of drowning, desperately treading water to get them to safety, but so out of control because you can’t swim.”
“I never thought I’d feel this way.” I keep my voice low even though Daniela is still focused on the bear. My gaze captures Larysa’s.
“There are times when it’s really hard and scary.” She shrugs. “But there are so many more times when your heart feels so full and swollen with love that you know you couldn’t be any happier than you are at that moment. Those are the times that I try to focus on, not the loss of years off my life because of times like these.”
“I’d have done anything to save her. If I didn’t have that pen…” I rake a hand through my hair. “I don’t know what would have happened. When I had my first allergy attack, my parents weren’t prepared. I was about Daniela’s age, maybe a little older. Something I took a bite of was made with tree nuts and it almost killed me. I remember how panicked my parents were, how my mom cried and prayed in the ambulance. I was young, but that memory always stayed with me. I just never thought I’d ever be in the same spot with my own kid.” A dry laugh escapes my lips. “I never thought there’d ever be a kid.”
“Life throws you curve balls all the time. You have to roll with them.” She pauses. “It makes you stronger.”
“I’ve fielded plenty of balls in my life. They just make me angry.” I clench my teeth. “And destructive.”
