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Kate looks at me in disbelief. “That’s bullshit. If you wanted what’s best for me, you wouldn’t have betrayed me the way you did. I bet you’re just feeling guilty now. Guilty that this happened because you and Carter abandoned me.”
I look at her with wide eyes, unable to believe what I’m hearing. “We abandoned you? Kate, we did everything we could to earn your forgiveness, yet all you did was push us away. In the end, we chose to honor your wishes. You told me you never wanted to see me again, and I did my best to make that happen. What more could I have done?”
Kate smiles wryly. “If you actually cared as much as you did, you wouldn’t have given up on me so easily. You would’ve noticed when I needed help. When I was being sucked into a black hole I couldn’t crawl out of by myself, the two of you weren’t there. Hell, I had nosebleeds from coke overuse and you never even realized — all because you were too busy fucking my brother. You haven’t been there from the start. You never once questioned me about Jake, not even when I stood you up for him. I was falling deeper into my addiction, and you didn’t notice I needed help, because all you could see was Carter.”
I close my eyes and inhale deeply, trying to settle my aching heart. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “You’re right. I didn’t notice that you needed help, and it is partly because I was so caught up in Carter. But I’m here now, Kate. I’m here and I’ll do whatever I can to make sure you get better.”
Kate rolls her eyes. “How can you, when you’re the reason I turned to coke and Jake, anyway?”
I stare at her in confusion, and she shakes her head sadly.
“Emilia, the daughter my mother always wanted. The girl of my brother’s dreams. The one my dad always praised and defended, even though his praises were scarce. You were the one that got a scholarship to his alma mater when I couldn’t do it. Hell, even Carter only got a partial academic scholarship, but you just had to go and get a full-ride. I thought things might be different when we got to college, but even here you were the one people noticed at parties. You were the one my brother spent all his time with. I was falling behind in my classes much more than you ever were, but it’s your grades Carter was more concerned about. Even Asher sang your praises. I couldn’t even complain about you without everyone jumping to your defense — that’s how brainwashed you’ve got everyone.
“It’s only Jake that understood how I felt. The coke made me feel better. God, the euphoria I felt… just a couple of hours of not being reminded how much of a fuck-up I am compared to you. A couple of hours of not feeling like I come second to you. Just that feeling of being as amazing as everyone seems to think you are… I craved it. I needed it even more after you betrayed me and turned my brother and mother away from me — both of them convinced you should get away with the unforgivable.”
She laughs humorlessly, the sound chilling. “I hate you, Emilia. I really fucking hate you. You’re the worst thing that ever happened to me. That day in the treehouse, when you’d just moved in… I wish I’d just turned you away when you intruded on our tea party. I wish I’d never invited you into our lives. My life would be so much better if we never became friends. I was trying to be kind and I was trying to give you an inch, but you took a mile. I was trying to be nice to you, but before I knew it, you infiltrated my family. Suddenly you were everywhere, like a slow-acting poison. My life would be a thousand times better without you.”
My heart breaks, and a single tear drops down my cheek, but I catch it quickly. “I never knew you felt this way. When that whole thing with Gabby happened, I offered to take a step back. I told you that if you felt like I was overstepping, I’d stop coming over as much as I did. If you’d told me how you were feeling, I would’ve done whatever I could to make things better, Kate. I didn’t know. I had no idea you thought of me like that all this time.”
Kate shakes her head. “What, tell you so you could complain to my mother and brother and make me the villain? So the both of them would blame me for you suddenly walking out of our lives? Like I’d ever do something that stupid. All I need to do is be patient. Sooner or later they’ll see you for what you are. Sooner or later they’ll look at our family and they’ll realize you’re the one that wrecked our happiness.”
I bite down on my lip as hard as I can to keep my emotions in check, but I can’t stop trembling. I’ve always loved Kate and I’ve always thought of her as my best friend, so how did I fail to notice that she slowly started to hate me?
“You want me out of your life?” Kate nods and I inhale deeply. “Do you think that will solve anything? You won’t suddenly start getting better grades once I’m gone. You won’t miraculously get clean. Those things all take hard work, Kate.”
She grits her teeth and looks away. “I know. But at least it’d be a step in the right direction.”
I rise to my feet and look at Kate, but I don’t recognize her at all. When did she change? When did she stop seeing me as a friend? Where did things go so wrong?
Chapter 49
Emilia
I’m trying my best to get in some last-minute studying at the dining table, but I doubt I’ll be able to get much done with the amount of noise Helen is making in the kitchen. William was unable to get more time off work and I guess he’s also worried about the medical bills he’ll now have to pay for, so he’s gone back to Woodstock. Without him here, Helen seems to unravel even more.
She’s been acting weird with me lately, and I can’t blame her. She tries so hard to act like nothing is wrong, but I know she blames herself for what’s happening with Kate. She’s been avoiding me and every time we speak her replies are short. She’s alienating me slowly but surely, and even though it kills me, I’m not even mad about it. I understand where she’s coming from, and I hope with time things will get better.
I rise to my feet and walk into the kitchen. Helen seems to be reorganizing our cupboards and I can’t help but frown. Carter and I spent ages putting things in the right place in a way that made sense to us both.
“Hey,” I murmur.
She looks up, her expression guarded. “Emilia,” she says, and my stomach twists painfully. She only ever used to call me by my name when I was in trouble, but nowadays it’s all she’ll call me. I wonder if I’ll ever hear her call me Milly again.
“What are you doing?” I ask. She smiles and stares at the mess she made. “I just needed something to do. Besides, I can’t find anything in these cupboards. My boy clearly has no idea how to organize his kitchen.”
I bite down on my lip and nod tersely. Her messing up my organizational system is the least of my worries. “Let me help you,” I offer.
Helen shakes her head and puts down a jar with googly eyes on it. “No need, Emilia,” she says, sighing. She leans back against the kitchen counter and looks away. “I’ve actually been meaning to talk to you,” she says, looking grim.
I nod and turn the kettle on to make some tea. She’s been pacing around me in circles for days now, and she’s been looking at me like she has something to say. I knew it was only a matter of time.
“I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t think your presence is helping Kate’s recovery. I’ve heard the arguments the two of you have had, and I think you being here is keeping Kate from wanting to get better.”
I stare at Helen in disbelief, my heart breaking. She blames me. She didn’t say it outright, but she does.
Helen inhales deeply and looks down at her feet. “Kate is right. The way I’ve been treating you… it isn’t right. I’ve often put you before my own daughter and I never should have done that. It should’ve been Kate I taught how to bake and it should’ve been her going on every errand with me. You’re a lovely child, Emilia… but you aren’t mine. I was trying so hard to make you feel at home with us I didn’t realize I was hurting my daughter. In part, the way I was treating you led her to do what she did.”
I blink in confusion and move through the kitchen on auto-pilot, just wanting something to do. I make two cups of tea, unable to keep myself from trembling.
