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Emilia breathes in shakily and presses her lips against mine. “I love you too, Carter. But sometimes love isn’t enough. Your family needs you now, and they need me to go.”
I bite down on her lower lip and kiss her. “I’ll go with you,” I say.
Emilia shakes her head, her eyes filled with tears. “You know you can’t. Your entire future is here. You might still get drafted into the NFL, and your company is here. Besides, your family will just think I’m taking you away when they need you most.”
“Then we’ll do long-distance.”
Emilia pulls on my t-shirt and yanks it off. The way she looks at me tears me apart. She’s staring at me as though she’s trying to memorize every part of me. I don’t want to be nothing more than a memory to her. I want to be the person she makes memories with.
“We can’t do that, Carter. We can’t be together. There’s no future for us. I love you with my heart and soul, but I’m not coming back. I’ll always be a reminder of one of the toughest things your family has had to go through, and they’ll always at least partially see me as the cause of it. Kate is always going to hate me. I can’t be with you knowing how much sorrow it would bring them, no matter how much I love you. I can’t do that to you, because I know how much it would tear you apart. I can’t ask you for a future where you’re always torn between me and your family. Where every family occasion is filled with bitterness and tension. You deserve more than that.”
I carry Emilia to our bed and lay her down . I don’t even care that this bedroom is supposed to be my mom’s now. My family is taking everything from me. The least they can give me is a couple of hours with my Minx. I kiss her gently, both our hearts breaking. We’re both quiet as we undress each other, both of us aware that there’s nothing left to say. There’s nothing either of us can do to make things better. Emilia is right, the future we might have is filled with bitterness. And even if I want to follow her to London, I can’t. Not when my family is falling apart. She’s making the choice I don’t have the heart to make. She’s looking out for my family when that should be my job.
“I love you,” I whisper. Emilia pulls me closer and wraps her legs around me. I push into her, part of me irrationally thinking that I might be able to remind her how good things are between us. What she’ll be missing out on if she gets on that plane tomorrow.
I take my time making love to my girlfriend, part of me knowing that it’s the last time I’ll have her like this.
“I love you, Carter,” she whispers, and I kiss her.
“I love you more, Emilia,” I reply, meaning every word. I love her so much I could never have made the choice she’s making for us, even though I know it’s what my family needs me to do. I love her more than anything and everything in the world, but sometimes love just isn’t enough.
Chapter 52
Emilia
Carter is quiet as he drives me to the airport. He looks as heartbroken as I feel, but we both know what we’re doing is for the best. We never should’ve gotten together. We both knew we’d cause heartache if we did, but we underestimated just how much. If we hadn’t crossed that line, then he and I would still be in each other’s lives, and I wouldn’t be losing him. Maybe Kate wouldn’t have done what she did, and maybe she and I would’ve been okay. I know our friendship wasn’t in a good state, but maybe some distance and some boundaries would’ve helped.
“Emilia, are you sure about this?” he asks. I nod, unable to voice the words.
“If you get on that plane today, you and I are over. We’ll be done. I won’t chase after you, and I won’t wait for you to come back. I’ll move on with my life. Is that what you want?”
Carter looks desperate as he says it, and he knows full well that he’s hitting me right where it hurts the most. I know he’s desperate for me to change my mind. The mere idea of him moving on with someone else kills me. The future I envisioned with him will belong to some other girl someday. Eventually he’ll become someone else’s boyfriend, and someday he’ll probably become someone else’s husband. He’ll probably have a wife that’ll have everything I’ve ever wanted. She’ll have Helen as a doting mother-in-law and Kate as her sister. She’ll become part of a household that’ll always make her feel included and loved. But most of all, she’ll have Carter… body, heart and soul.
“I’m trying to do the right thing, Carter. This isn’t what I want,” I whisper. “What I want is you. But more importantly, I want you to be happy. I know you think you and I could be happy together despite everything that’s happened, but we couldn’t be. You might not admit it to yourself, but part of the reason you loved me was because of how well I fit into your family. Some of our best memories include your parents and your sister.”
I don’t know how to explain to him how I’m feeling. I hate that he’s now blaming me, too. For leaving him. For not fighting for us.
“Do you really think we’d be okay if Kate never got better, because I was always there to take the blame every time she relapsed? Do you think you could still love me if, day by day, you lose a little bit more of your sister? Do you think I could live with myself? What about your parents? Would they ever accept us being together knowing how much suffering we’ve caused?”
Carter is quiet as he parks the car. He won’t even look at me as he takes my luggage out of the trunk.
“Say something,” I whisper. Carter looks at me, his eyes filled with the same sorrow I’m feeling.
He puts my suitcase down and threads his hands through my hair. “Part of me is hoping you’ll change your mind, and another part of me knows that we’re doomed even if you do. I hate feeling this helpless… this heartbroken. Emilia, despite everything, you’re still the girl I want to marry someday. I think you’ll always be that to me. I can’t help but blame my sister, and even my mother, for taking you away from me. For ruining the best thing I’ve ever had. And I don’t want to do that. I want to be there for them and I want to help Kate get better, but how do I do that knowing she’s the reason you left me?”
I hug him and inhale deeply, trying my best to keep my emotions in check. “It’s not just her, Carter. They’re not the only reason I’m leaving. The whole thing with Kate made me realize I haven’t been living the life I envisioned for myself. I always wanted to study abroad and travel across Europe. I want to see the Eiffel Tower and the canals in Amsterdam. There’s so much I’ve always wanted to do, yet I sidelined my dreams to follow Kate’s dreams instead. She was right when she said I was trying to live her life, and I’m done doing that. I want to know what it’s like to stand on my own two feet. I need to learn to be my own person, and not just the dependent girl I’ve become. This distance… it’ll give me a chance to pursue my own dreams, and it’ll give Kate what she needs the most right now. It’ll be a clean break for the two of us, too. We won’t be able to stay away if I’m nearby, and we both know we should.”
Carter sighs and kisses me with the same desperation I’m feeling. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to leave him. But I know it’s what’s best for both of us. If I stay, we’ll only end up resenting each other. Kate is right… if I stay, eventually he’ll start to blame both me and himself for the ruin of his family. We’d never recover from that. I’d rather leave while we still have so many good memories together. I’d rather leave while Helen still treats me civilly. The Clarke’s have done so much for me over the years, this is the least I can do to repay them. They were the family I never had, and thanks to them I had a childhood I can look back on fondly. But they aren’t my family, and the right thing to do now is to take a step back.
“Someday,” Carter says. “Someday we’ll find our way back to each other, and when we do, I won’t let anyone stand in our way again. I know this is the right choice now, but I can’t imagine a future without you. I never believed in fate, but if it exists, I know it’ll lead me straight back to you.”
I smile up at him and nod. “Maybe someday, if the time is right.”
I pull away from Carter when my dad pulls up at the airport. He looks devastated as he approaches me and wraps his arms around me. “Are you sure you want to go?” he asks me, and I nod.
“I am, Daddy.”
He hugs me tightly and then lets me go, placing his hands on my shoulder. “I love you, Emilia. I’ll support you with whatever choice you want to make. I’ll be here, okay? If you don’t like it there, and you want to come home, just call me, okay?”
