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I sigh and walk to Carter’s wardrobe. I grab one of his t-shirts and then walk into his bathroom, slamming the door closed behind me.
Carter looks at me pleadingly when I walk back into the bedroom, but I ignore him and get into bed instead. He sighs and gets up to brush his teeth. I’m curled up into a ball by the time he joins me in bed, my back turned to him. Carter moves closer and wraps his arms around me, spooning me.
I turn to face him, and he lowers his lips to mine. He kisses me slowly, gently. “I hate arguing with you,” he whispers. “My heart can’t take it.”
I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer until our bodies are flush against each other. I kiss him, and by the time I pull away again, we’re both breathless.
He drops his forehead to mine and I sigh. “It this enough for you, Carter?” I ask. “Just sex, and nothing more? Never being able to call me yours, or to even hold my hand in public. Is this what you want?”
Carter hesitates and closes his eyes.
“You saw how much we hurt Mom when we weren’t on good terms. You also saw how happy she was a few weeks ago, when we were all back home and hanging out together. Are you willing to risk her happiness? What about Kate?”
My heart breaks just listening to him. He won’t risk his family’s happiness in an attempt to find our own. I know I hurt him when I called things off years ago, and I hurt him even further by dating Landon. He pretends like he’s over that, but maybe he isn’t. Maybe he’s still scared I might hurt him again, but maybe it’s more than that.
“Is it Lisa?” I ask. “Is she the reason you’re pushing me away when things have been so perfect for so long?”
Carter frowns and shakes his head. “No, baby. Fuck, of course not. Why the hell do you keep asking about her?”
I look away. “I saw the way you were holding her tonight. The way she came running to you in tears a few months ago, and the way you carried her in your arms and consoled her. I know she’s in love with Mason. Are you just sleeping with me to get over her? Am I a rebound?”
Carter looks at me with wide eyes and shakes his head. “No. No. God, no. Lisa and I are just friends, Minx. I’m definitely not in love with her or anything. I don’t know what you’re seeing, but I assure you, there are no feelings there.”
I bite down on my lip and look up at him. “Is she just a friend, or is she more?”
Carter looks away. “Does it matter, baby?”
I inhale deeply and shake my head. “No, I guess it doesn’t.”
I sigh and hide my face in his neck. “Carter, would it really be okay with you if I went on a date with someone else? Would you not care at all? Would you be fine with it if I truly fell in love with someone else?”
Carter bites down on his lip and nods, lying to both himself and me.
“So that’s all I am to you, huh? Just someone you sleep with.”
Carter pulls away to look into my eyes and shakes his head. “No, Emilia. Of course not. You’re one of my best friends, you always have been. You know that.”
I laugh humorlessly. “Your best friend,” I repeat, a wry smile on my face. I look into his eyes, my broken heart on display.
“I love you,” I whisper.
Carter freezes and stares at me with wide eyes. He blinks and pulls away. He pulls a hand through his hair and sits up, leaning back against the headboard.
I’ve never felt this vulnerable and exposed before. I feel like I just cut my chest open to hand him my heart.
Carter rises and turns to walk away, but I grab his hand and stop him. He turns back to face me, his expression guarded. I inhale deeply and look into his eyes, my heart beating a thousand miles an hour. I’ve never been this nervous before. “I meant it.”
Carter pulls his hand out of mine and shakes his head. “Emilia, no. We agreed this was just sex. Don’t do this.”
He looks at me pleadingly and I look back at him, my eyes shimmering with unshed tears.
“I’ve been keeping these words in for so long, Carter. Part of me is tempted to take them back. To keep going the way we are. But I can’t. I keep losing more of myself to you, and if you won’t give me anything back, I’ll end up being a shell of the person I am now. I can’t do this.”
I wrap my arms around myself and inhale deeply. “I’m sorry, Carter. Let’s just end things here.”
He shakes his head and grabs my shoulders. “Minx, please, no. Things are good between us, aren’t they?”
I close the distance between us and drop my forehead to his chest. “Things are amazing between us, Carter. But I want more. I want all of you. I want to be able to call you my boyfriend and I want to go on dates. I want to spend nights together when we aren’t hooking up and just hanging out. I want to hold your hand across campus and wear your jersey during the next season. I want more than just your body… I want your heart. I want to be able to call you mine,” I whisper, my voice breaking. A tear escapes my eyes and runs down my cheek. I sniff and pull back, wiping my face.
