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I fall back to protect myself, more stunned than anything.
“Oh my god. Oh, no! Oh—oh shit! Are you okay?” Lu-Anne scrambles backward as I look up, more than a little stunned.
I rub my jaw, testing to make sure I didn’t bite my tongue off. My mouth tastes a little metallic, but it mostly still tastes like her, which is a turn on even after that swift kick should have knocked some sense into me.
“If you didn’t like it, you could have just said so. I’m not that kind of guy—”
“No!” Lu-Anne’s eyes go wide with horror. “No! I liked it. I’m so sorry. I—it’s just—it’s there!” She points up, completely terrified.
I crane my neck back to follow her shaking finger. I finally understand why she reacted the way she did. It wasn’t me at all. Not my so-called skills or lack thereof. I let out a sigh of relief when I spot the spider. It’s flat-looking with some serious leg action going on. This spider is like the supermodel of spiders. Those legs are so long. And it’s big; I’ll give her that. If a person is scared of spiders, I can see how this one would be intimidating.
“It’s there! It’s probably been camped out in my bed this whole time!”
I have one chance to be a hero here, so I ignore my throbbing jaw and stand up on the bed. I’ve never been overly fond of spiders, but it’s not like I mind them. I guess I’ve made my peace with insects over the years. I’d prefer not to handle them, but obviously, this needs to be done.
“Open the window,” I instruct. “Is there a screen?”
“Yes. I mean, no, not on the one over there.”
I don’t look to see where Lu-Anne is pointing. I don’t take my eyes off the spider. I’m sure he or she is looking at me too, wondering what kind of evil I have planned for it. I try to send off harmless vibes. No evil planned here, my friend. Just going to release you back to where you belong.
I realize, the second I have my hands closed around the spider who thankfully doesn’t move or drop down and make a run for it, that I can’t just throw it out the window. We’re high up. The bedroom is upstairs. What if it doesn’t survive the fall?
“Oh my god! Eww! Gross! You have it in your hands! Argh!” Lu-Anne shrieks in terror.
I do indeed have the poor thing trapped in my hands. It wiggles around when I lower them, doing some unpleasant sort of tickling. The hairs on my arms stand on end because yeah, I don’t really like it either, and it is kind of creepy, but I jump off the bed and thump down the stairs. Lu-Anne is right behind me, not wearing anything at all.
She throws open the patio door but stands behind the blinds and the door, trapping herself and keeping herself invisible to anyone who might be doing some fence peeping from the other side. I step out in my boxers, note there isn’t anyone around, put my hands down to the deck, and release the spider well away from the door. It would be entirely ironic if the thing made a turn and ran straight back into the house, but luckily, it doesn’t. It makes a break straight for the grass like it’s happy to be back in nature.
When I turn to go back into the house, the patio door is almost fully closed. I pull it open to find Lu-Anne standing in the kitchen. She’s wearing a frilly green apron with little lime wedges printed on it.
We stare at each other as I shut the door behind me. I don’t know if this is some kind of fantasy or my worst nightmare. Lu-Anne is gorgeous, and she’s standing there wearing nothing but a tiny apron. I know what’s underneath. I know what she tastes like. She’s like entering into a state of paradise that I never want to return from. She’s beautiful, flushed, and wide-eyed, her lips swollen from our kisses, her long hair all mussed from our tumble on her bed.
I don’t know whether she’s going to tell me to carry her back upstairs or to get my shit and leave.
I don’t press her. Instead, I leave the decision up to her. I didn’t plan on this. And this was as spontaneous as the kiss yesterday. Her shoulders dip as she takes a deep breath and releases it. Her eyes never leave mine.
It takes me by surprise when she bursts out laughing, but it’s contagious, and soon I’m busting a gut right along with her.
“Thanks,” she says, wiping her eyes as tears from all the laughter start forming. “I’m glad it finally got set free. I didn’t want to kill it, but I knew it would be too fast to trap, and I was too scared. I mean, I did kind of want to kill it, but not if I didn’t have to. I’m scared of spider death marks too.”
