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Storming into a dungeon in lingerie to kill a man doesn’t exactly screamI’m a helpless girl who needs to be handled with kid gloves.
Does that make it better? Does it make it okay? I’ve never cared about these kinds of questions. It’s such a burden to care. I’ve always been hollow, intellectually knowing the difference between moral right and wrong, but a blank emptiness about those facts has always shielded me from my misdeeds. But with Mina? I actually feel some angst. I don’t like it.
I gather up all the photos, newspaper clippings, notes, and other sundry informational resources I’ve gathered for this job that’s making me crazier than normal. I stack the pile neatly and slip it into a large manila folder.
This act of organization settles my mind the smallest degree.
This is a bit of an odd job. There’s a man I’ve wanted to take out for a while. His name is Stryker. He’s got a lot of criminal activity going on that competes in some ways with our business. He’s operating too loud and too big, too close to us, and I don’t like it. But he’s almost impossible to get to. He always has far too many people around him. This is more than a one person job, and I know it, but I can’t risk Mina just to take this guy down.
On top of that I have two other contracts I recently took. They both have business dealings with the first guy. I just need a way to take all of them out neatly and cleanly. If I kill them individually, after the first one, the other two will get spooked and up their security detail. Less armed bodyguards is always better than more. I live in fear that someday I’ll get taken out by some glorified mall cop instead of a real monster like me. When the time comes and someone finally takes me out, I want it to be someone worthy.
I’d almost need an army unless some angel of death smiles down upon me and gives me an opportunity. But in this situation, Iamthe angel of death, so… I can’t exactly smile down upon myself.
I need to clear my head and find Mina. If she’s going to be a good girl for me, she’s going to prove it and not just pay lip service to the idea. After that first day and night when she tied me down and fucked me, we haven’t had that kind of sex again. Or any kind outside of the things we normally do.
I think she senses I’m on the edge with that. It brought up too many… feelings. I can’t… I told her I couldn’t… I’ve spent the past several weeks intentionally pre-occupied with work trying to shove it all down and not think about it. There’s this self-destructive part of me coming out that wants to blow things up with her so she can’t get any closer or see any more. And that’s not safe. For her.
I’m afraid of myself with her. I’m afraid of feeling with her. I can’t let her do these things, and I can’t let myself do things. I feel I’m always on the edge of completely losing control, of turning on her like some ill-tempered dog, all because I can’t handle all the feelings trying to move through me. I feel like I’m on fire from the inside, and I don’t know what to do to put out the flame.
I find her outside, swimming naked in the pool. I feel an eyebrow inching up. She’s full of surprises these days.
I hang back in the shadows, but no one would notice me right now, anyway. Every eye is on her. Every male gaze is filled with lust, and I want to go back down to the basement for weapons and mow them all the fuck down for looking at what’s mine. Don’t they see the word on her back? Don’t theyknow?
I think I might combust when she finally steps out of the pool. Annette is there with a towel to wrap her up and guides her away from the group. I know that look on her face. It’s concerned House Mother Annette. She’s over there no doubt trying to convince Mina what an awful monster I am for carving a property claim into her back.
I feel like I’m watching a re-run. Didn’t we already play out theOh no, someone must save Mina from the monster in the dungeonstoryline? Because I’m pretty sure we did. But she was always safe with me. At least she was before these new developments between us. I’m not sure anymore.
The thing that has always kept Mina safe was the fact that she was like me in my pain and abuse. Our scars make us a matched set that belong together like a couple of macabre glassy-eyed dolls at Halloween. But now she’s also like me in my darkness, and I don’t know how that plays out for her. Yet she’s unafraid, like a moth dancing too close to the flame. But maybe shewantsto be consumed. I can’t tell with her anymore.
Does she have a death wish? If we were both fucked up before, it’s a thousand times worse now.
I take a deep breath. I’m ready to interrupt this bullshit with Annette, and if everyone at the house wants to gawk, I’ll give them a show.
“Master,” Mina says, when I reach them, she lowers her eyes demurely when she speaks to me. I’m not sure if it’s a performance… her just playing the good girl in front of the others, or if she’s signaling to Annette that I’m here so she’ll stop saying whatever she’s been saying that’s likely to piss me off.
Because I know something very real has shifted in our dynamic.
I’m so confused right now. I love the stunning badass Mina has become. Watching her take out the younger Matsumoto and his guard was a show I’d buy tickets to watch again, but I also don’t want her to pretend to be the good girl for me. I want that piece of Mina back. I want her submission. I still want to own her, and I’m not sure anymore if she truly wants the same. The most horrifying part is, I’m not sure I care if she wants the same.
I’ve killed every man who ever forced her submission, who ever humiliated her in front of others, who ever hurt her and left permanent scars. I’ve done the last of those things, and I know right now I’m about to do the other two, and if so… then how am I any different?
She told me once how Jason said there was something inside her that made men want to hurt her and how she’d never find a man who could be gentle with her. Then against all odds, I found I could be. Am I about to lose that edge over the other monsters? I just need her to submit. I try to telepathically will her to understand this.
But what if she doesn’t need or want the same anymore? I feel lost, like there’s something screaming inside me, this hollow, angry, hurt sound, like a wounded animal, and I just need to hurt something to make that sound stop, to make the itch stop crawling over my skin.
I feel the anger boiling up inside me. It’s not even at Mina. It’s at this fucking situation where suddenly I, what? Have a conscience? Weighing right and wrong like some fucking hero? Good and bad? What the fuck is she doing to me?
I grip her by the arm and pull her back toward the rest of the group who hasn’t stopped watching this train wreck unfold. I turn her so that they can all get a clear, unobstructed view of her back.
“Take a good long, look, people. Embed it into your fucking long term memories. This. Is. MINE,” I snarl.
They all show the appropriate fear. Even the men have always been wary with me. Eyes are averted from mine. No one will save her from me.
I look to Mina, afraid to see the scared, broken woman I met that first night, but she doesn’t even flinch. I know I must be leaving a mark on her arm, with how hard I’m holding her, but she doesn’t try to pull away.
I want to shake her. I want to shout at her that she can’t trust me. She’s doing the same thing all over again, trusting a bad man who will hurt her. I want to whisper in her ear toRun. But even if I did, I know she wouldn’t. She’d stand, and challenge me to reign in my own demons. For her sake. For our sake.
I take a long, slow, breath, attempting that impossible feat now.
