Page 100 of If I Were Yours

I sink onto the bed, for the first time in days feeling a resemblance of calm. This is right. Righter than anything has been in a long time.

I bring the letter back out and read the whole thing with excitement and overwhelming happiness floating through my system.

But the elation is brief. When I get to the part with the enrollment deadline, my heart sinks.

The deadline was two days ago.

I fumble to take out my phone and double-check today’s date. Maybe I’m wrong. I have so many things mixed up these days, so maybe, just maybe…

But no.

The deadline has passed, and I’ve missed the opportunity of a lifetime, all because of my ridiculous emotions getting the better of me.

Regret threatens to drag me down, but I’m not going to let it take me. I might not get this dream fulfilled, but it’s no longer the most important one.

So I throw the letter in the garbage bin and retrieve my suitcase.

It doesn’t matter anyway. Nothing matters if I’m not with Grigory.

— CHAPTER 37 —

CLARA

It’s four thirty in the morning when I stagger across the parking lot in front of my apartment and get into a cab. I have a long day in front of me. Two layovers. One in Berlin because I’m meeting Markus there and one in Copenhagen because there were no direct flights to Berlin.

I’m barely cognizant on the first part of the trip, swamped by trepidation, senses dulled by sleep deprivation. It’s a relief, really. The numbness gives me a reprieve from all the whirring thoughts and emotions. When I do start regaining my senses as I make my way through the Copenhagen airport, it all comes rushing back tenfold. Outright fear creeps along my spine as all the uncertainties blare in my mind, throwing me onto the ledge of a breakdown.

I hold myself together by the seams, and when I land in Berlin and see Markus, my control shatters. Crashing into his arms, I break into tears, and from there on, I’m one big mess.

Markus tries to brighten my mood by telling me about his upcoming shows and talking about the next Minions movie. But everything reminds me that the end is closing in. I won’t be there for his debut at the Metropolitan, and he won’t be there to see the new Minions movie with me.

He finally gives up, and we spend most of the remaining trip in silence.

I’m exhausted when we finally land in Moscow a little after six in the evening, and I’m more than grateful that Markus has had the foresight to book us a room at an airport hotel. Facing Grigory after this day would be impossible—especially knowing he won’t greet me with open arms. Whatever he has in store for me will require all my energy.

“A room for two, two nights,” the receptionist says, handing Markus the keycard.

My heart sinks at the thought of him spending two nights here—one with his girlfriend, one alone with a broken heart.

His features tighten like he’s thinking the same thing as he accepts the keycard. He barely looks at me on the way up to the room, and I feel gutted when I plop onto the bed and watch him order room service with a somber expression.

We eat on the bed, then sit closely entwined, watching TV, until my head is drooping.

“Get ready for bed,” Markus says, and I make a quick trip to the bathroom and strip down to my T-shirt before returning to the room.

When I come back out, Markus is holding a glass of water and a small white pill for me. “Take this.”

I eye the little pill warily. “You know I don’t like taking sleeping pills. I’m already tired, so—”

“I don’t care,” he cuts me off with a sharp tone.

I flicker my eyes from the pill to his face. His jaw is tight, eyes set on me with deadly seriousness. So I take the pill and gulp it down with a sip of water.

Usually, I’d get agood girl, no matter the mood he’s in. But not today. Markus sets the glass aside, takes his laptop and a book under his arm, and walks toward the door. “I’ll be down in the lobby,” he says without turning. “Text me if you need anything.”

I want to ask him to stay, but I also know I need to let him go. I can tell from his brief eye contact that it’s hard for him to be around me. So I nod and let him leave.

***

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