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“I don’t think I could ever take something like that,” I say in a strained voice, on the brink of backing out.
“Are you sure about that?” Markus deadpans, then adds, “You can do a lot more than you think when driven by your submission.”
“Yeah, but not being whipped until I bleed. Do you think he’ll do something like that to me?”
“Clara, remember that Grigory isn’t just all about pain and control. When the woman went into severe subdrop a few days later, he flew to Paris to spend the night with her, then back to Vienna to work in the morning.”
It sounds like two completely different men, yet I can clearly see Grigory in both roles. I remember the darkness in his eyeswhen he lets the sadist loose and the overwhelming care when he takes me in his arms afterward.Even if he were to do something so extreme to me, he’d make sure I was okay in the end.
Unable to process more shocking information, I change the subject. “What will happen if I decide to go through with this?”
“You’ll fly to Berlin and meet me there, and then we’ll fly to Moscow together, and I’ll take you to his place.”
I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. I thought I would be going alone, but knowing Markus will be thereis a big relief. “Will you stay then?” I know he said he wouldn’t, but a small hope has sparked inside me.
“No. I’ll just bring you there. I’ll leave after I’ve handed you over to Grigory.”
“I’m scared,” I confess—scared about what Grigory will do, scared about losing Markus, scared about what my future holds. I have no idea where I’ll live, if I’ll stay in Denmark and continue studying musicology, or if Grigory will make me move to Berlin. And I’m scared of what will happen to Markus and me if we stay together. Will I even be able to get over Grigory, and will we be able to get over the fact that he wanted to give me away and I nearly chose to be with another man?
“What will happen if we stay together?” I ask. “Do you think we’ll be able to work things out after all that’s happened?”
“I can’t lie to you, sweetie. It would be hard. I won’t be around for a while and I’m not sure what that would do to us at this point. But I woulddo whatever was in my power to make it work.”
I swallow a hard lump. If I choose Markus, I’m not even guaranteed that we’ll stay together. And if we do make it, I’ll be second—second to his career. Knowing how much his job means to him, I can’t blame him, but damn, it hurts.
The decision seems impossible. But when I shut off my head and boil it down to what it really is—a choice about belonging to Grigory—it all seems crystal clear. Markus is right. I belong with Grigory. No matter how much I love Markus and how much he means to me, Grigory is the one who awakens the instinctive, almost vital need to submit.
Still, I keep wavering. The moment my brain kicks back in, a wealth of emotions awakens.Hurt, fear, yearning, hope, desire. It all mixes into a turbulent mess, and when I linger too much on either, I feel like I’m going crazy.
It feels like a storm I have to work through to make the decision, but as the days go by, the whirring turbulence remains strong as ever.
I try to distract myself. Playing the piano is impossible. Focusing on a book is the same. So I get practical instead, cleaning my apartment, clearing out old stuff in my closets, and finally packing—just in case I decide to go. But the latter only stirs up more uncertainties.What should I pack for? How long will I be gone? Where will I go after? And what then?
So I shove the suitcase back on top of the closet.
I wish Grigory were here. He’d band his strong arms around me, and everything would float away, leaving me blissfully at peace in the safety of his control.
This is how it works with Grigory. He may break and shatter me, tear apart my very foundation and push me beyond my limits, but as long as he’s there to pick me up in the end, I’ll gladly let him do it all.
In the light of day, it’s easy to remember all these good things, but when night descends and I’m tossing and turning alone in bed, I remember the warning signs. Not only am I considering putting myself at the mercy of a man I’m not sure I truly know, but it’s also a man who has an insane need for control and likes to whip women until they bleed.
So I keep floundering, unable to decide whether I can give another person such complete power over me like I know Grigory will have.
Needing an answer to at least one question about my future, I take out the letter I shoved away under the stack of sheet music on my piano. I still don’t feel ready to open it, but I need to know.
Nausea stirs in my stomach as I shove my finger under the flap and rip the top open. Squeezing my eyes shut, I pull out the paper. I don’t want to see what it says, yet I badly do. So I take a steadying breath, rip the bandage as I open my eyes, and scan the paper until I read the wordZugelassen.
I clutch the letter to my chest and bite my lips together as my world turns upside down and a huge smile takes over my face.
I can’t believe it. I just can’t.
My lifelong dream has come true. I’ve been accepted to the conservatory.
My first instinct is to take out my phone, wanting to tell Grigory. But then I see the blaring radio silence in the message thread and remember I haven’t talked to him in two weeks and probably shouldn’t start now. I’ll have to wait until I see him.
Because Iamgoing to see him. Soon. Despite all the worries clouding my mind and messing with my nerves, I am sure of one thing. I am going to be his.
There’s no doubt about it. There never was. I just needed to see it, and this letter has finally cleared things up for me.
