Page 12 of If I Were Yours

Despite the bed being very enticing, I slip out from the comforter and pad to the hall to check my jacket pocket where I keep my keys.

Empty.

He didn’t even ask—just searched my pockets and took them. He really takes this control thing seriously. With Markus, it took some time before he worked his way deep enough into my life to go through my things and cross the normal boundaries of privacy. But Grigory swoops straight in and takes whatever he wants without question or preamble.

I’m a bit stunned, and I can’t decide whether hisoverbearingdemeanor is just what I need or too much too soon after everything I’ve been through with him.

Needing to think about something else, I grab my phone from the other pocket and decide this is a good time to call Markus.

“Hi, sweetie,” he answers. “How are you?”

“Good.” My mouth tips up into a smile at the sound of his voice. “Tired, but good.”

“No wonder. You haven’t slept enough and a lot has happened since last night.”

“Too much,” I agree with a sigh.Way too much.

“I’m sorry you didn’t get more time to process all of this. I tried to urge Grigory to decide sooner, but I wouldn’t push too much. He needed time to be sure he could commit.”

I heave a sigh and close my eyes. “You could at least have let me know there was a chance this could happen.”

Markus’s tone turns grave. “I knew how sad you’d be if he decided not to go with you. I couldn’t bear to see you hurt like that.”

“I was already hurt,” I say, remembering all the hours I spent staring at the ceiling in the music room.

“I know.” The line is quiet for a while, his graveness seeping through the phone. “I’m sorry, Clara,” he finally says. “I really am. But this has been an impossible situation for me to navigate. This is all new to me too. I haven’t shared a sub outside a play scene before—let alone with someone as emotionally cut off as Grigory.”

“I thought the two of you had played together before.”

“That was before Magdalena—his ex. He was a lot different back then.”

I walk through the apartment and plop onto the bed, suddenly feeling heavy from all the emotional talk. “How so?”

“Grigory used to be a great Dom. Attentive, good at reading a sub, giving aftercare. All those things. But I guess his emotions got in the way this time around.”

“Do you think they’ll keep doing so?” I grab the panda teddy off the shelf and flop onto my back, hugging it against my chest. It’s the teddy Markus gave me when he came back from a tour in Asia.

“No,” he says without hesitation. “Of course, I can’t guarantee what kinds of emotions may pop up, but I know they won’t get in the way. Grigory has committed to this, and once he commits to something, he doesn’t back down. That’s how he’s been through all the years I’ve known him. Without fail. Even when his relationship with Magdalena was at its worst, he kept trying to make it work, refusing to give up.”

It adds up with the Grigory I know. Tenacious and unwavering. He takes what he wants, and if it doesn’t come easily, he’ll work hard to get it. But it’s heartbreaking to think about him struggling to make a doomed relationship work and getting such deep scars that it took all this struggle to get him to commit again.

Part of me admires Markus for being equally stubborn in pushing him to get there, but another part of me can’t forget that he put my heart on the line to reach the goal.

“I don’t know how to get past you risking me getting hurt,” I say in a somber voice as I rub one of the panda’s ears. When Markus was in Asia, I didn’t see him for six weeks because it was too far to fly out for a single weekend. It was the hardest time of our fifteen-month-long relationship.

Until Grigory came into the picture.

“I only did it because I saw how much he meant to you. Once I realized what a mess things were becoming, you were already in too deep. You formed a deep attachment to him very quickly, sweetie. You would have gotten hurt even if I’d ended things sooner.”

I clutch the panda against my chest.He’s right.It only took a few lessons for me to be wholly in Grigory’s power. I always thought he was the one to work his way deep into me and demand my submission quickly. But maybe it was as much me who allowed him to do so and formed an attachment—drawn by his all-encompassing authority.

And if Markus hadn’t put my heart on the line, I wouldn’t be here with Grigory now. Being without this is a more unbearable thought than the idea of Markus taking such a risk.

“I get it,” I finally say, “but I might need a while to get over it.”

“That’s okay, sweetie. Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”

God, even when I’m mad at Markus, he can still make my heart swell. “I love you,” I say as gratefulness blooms in my chest.

Source: www.allfreenovel.com